Venting Too scared to live, too scared to die

[drag201]

I have been wanting to commit for years but tried my best to hold back because I still had a slimmer of hope that I could get better. I can't. I don't want to live. I hear all the people around me making these long term plans and it's making me realise how much I just want to go as soon as possible. Waking up and having to go through the bare agony of being a conscious and self aware person is already so much, I don't want to do that for even 10 years more.

But I am terrified of attempting. I'm terrified of what comes after, if I fail, how it will be for the people close to me, how it look morally... etc. I guess it's normal because we are all scared of death by nature. I'm iust in this constant duality where I am exhausted of being alive and where I can't bring myself to ctb despite death and peace being all I crave. I wish I could just be erased from this world or realistically just die some other "natural" way. Suicide is so frowned upon. I'm tired of feeling ashamed all the time.

I'm not very good with writing long paragraphs like this, but if anyone else feels the same, I hope you can all find something to live for.

 

[AbusedInnocent]

Never really got any better for me either, I've basically accepted that at some point I'm going to CTB, there is no hope for me.

True that consciousness is a curse.

 

[FuneralCry]

I really wish I could just erase my existence as well, I understand that it's dreadful and tiring suffering in this existence when you just want peace, I also just wish to permanently not exist. But anyway best wishes.

 

[Mebius]

Its going to be very hard if you stay.

 

[etherealspring]

ive been feeling the exact same things, tho i didnt think id see another person put it into words. whenever i hear someone talk about the future, even if it's the near future, all i end up feeling is so much dread. and just yearning for the day i never have to wake up again.

im sorry that it's ended up like this for you. but i hope it brings you at least a bit of comfort to know that ur not alone in feeling this way

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I'm not scared of Death .

I do fear remaining alive. I also fear a suicide attempt failing and remaining alive but worse off