fatguy
Member
- Jun 22, 2022
- 14
I am not sure, if it is worth writing, but I cannot find the motivation to kill myself. In my life, I had many objective reasons to want die, but in the past years things have been going downhill quick. I was never focussed on flying high, the best time of my life was in a simple job. On the other hand, I have achieved everything I could, had my diplomas, an own company, a kid and I seriously doubt there is anything more to aim for. I have been in a deep depression for a couple of years years now, things piled up, and I will never get out of this mess, probably will end up in jail, without having committed any real crime (I will not go into details for privacy reasons, just trust me).
But my problem is different. Years ago, I would have been a perfectionist. I would have read all the suicide books(they are all on my disk), absorbed all the information on the net and acquired the best suicide materials, chosen the perfect method. Maybe I'd even did it in a way to indirectly harm people who harmed me for the sweet revenge, except I would not have wanted to do them the favour of killing myself because of them. But now, I really do not care. The life of some people around me would probably be better if I ceased to be than to watch my downfall, my parents kind of know, and one of them had to go to intensive care once they became aware of some of my problems. But I do not have the motivation to do it. I am afraid of heights and would not jump, I do not want to perform a complex chemical ritual, I am not rich enough to buy some barbiturates, I am too big to rely on some chemicals.
My final thought was hanging myself, something I would not have had to join some forums or read anything. Or strangle myself with a belt. Or try drowning myself. Kind of resorting to methods with a higher than necessary failure rate. I crave to cease existing, while I am still too afraid to climb high enough with a rope to get enough momentum. It is strange, I have never been closer to a situation where ending my life was objectively the best choice, but I do not have the motivation to do
But my problem is different. Years ago, I would have been a perfectionist. I would have read all the suicide books(they are all on my disk), absorbed all the information on the net and acquired the best suicide materials, chosen the perfect method. Maybe I'd even did it in a way to indirectly harm people who harmed me for the sweet revenge, except I would not have wanted to do them the favour of killing myself because of them. But now, I really do not care. The life of some people around me would probably be better if I ceased to be than to watch my downfall, my parents kind of know, and one of them had to go to intensive care once they became aware of some of my problems. But I do not have the motivation to do it. I am afraid of heights and would not jump, I do not want to perform a complex chemical ritual, I am not rich enough to buy some barbiturates, I am too big to rely on some chemicals.
My final thought was hanging myself, something I would not have had to join some forums or read anything. Or strangle myself with a belt. Or try drowning myself. Kind of resorting to methods with a higher than necessary failure rate. I crave to cease existing, while I am still too afraid to climb high enough with a rope to get enough momentum. It is strange, I have never been closer to a situation where ending my life was objectively the best choice, but I do not have the motivation to do
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