Venting Too Exhausted to try all my options before CTB

[WinterFaust]

Anyone else feel like this? I'm so tired all the time and I feel so worn down and broken that I haven't really been able to care for myself for months which has led to health problems and more feelings of hopelessness. I know I haven't tried all my options but I feel so broken. I almost tried to overdose the other day even though I've known for years that it it's unlikely to be ineffective because I'm struggling with partial probably due to neck inflammation.

I used to do things and at least engage with life but since October, I've just been completely checked out. I'm unemployed, in debt, my bank account closed because of withdrawal fees. I'm weak and in pain from not eating or getting much sleep these past few months. I've suffered mild hearing loss and vision loss in January. My hair has been falling out probably from poor nutrition and stress and lack of sleep. Last year I was engaged and surrounded by friends even though I was deeply depressed. This year, I'm falling apart physically because my mental health has tanked. I don't know what to do. I'm so angry with myself for being broken and ruining my future with my illness. I'm angry that I couldn't find it in myself to pick up the pieces of me that were left to try to move on and get better before all of my neglect led to health issues. I feel alone. I'm 26 and I have nothing left and it's always my fault. If I were just a little more normal. If I just had been able to cope with my losses, maybe I'd have a chance. Sorry, there was going to be more of a point to this. I don't know. I'm sorry.

 

[Donk]

im sorry you had to go through so much. you shouldnt be angry at yourself considering all the mental and physical illnesses you are dealing with at the moment. i too feel worn down amd broken since my depression relapsed back in december. i understand the sense of hopelessness inside you. its in me as well. im pretty much bed ridden for the past couple of months. i cant work and i depend alot on my family. i feel pretty useless at the moment. everyday i wake up hoping to feel better but it doesnt. but i still hope to find other options which will help me recover from this nightmare. i think you should find strength within you to explore your options as well. its not over till it over. apologies for the cliche. you dont need to apologize for the post. this is a place where people express their thoughts and how they feel without worrying about others judging them. feel free to pm me if you need to talk to someone.
do you have friends or family who can support you finanically?

 

[WinterFaust]

im sorry you had to go through so much. you shouldnt be angry at yourself considering all the mental and physical illnesses you are dealing with at the moment. i too feel worn down amd broken since my depression relapsed back in december. i understand the sense of hopelessness inside you. its in me as well. im pretty much bed ridden for the past couple of months. i cant work and i depend alot on my family. i feel pretty useless at the moment. everyday i wake up hoping to feel better but it doesnt. but i still hope to find other options which will help me recover from this nightmare. i think you should find strength within you to explore your options as well. its not over till it over. apologies for the cliche. you dont need to apologize for the post. this is a place where people express their thoughts and how they feel without worrying about others judging them. feel free to pm me if you need to talk to someone.
do you have friends or family who can support you finanically?

Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm sorry you're struggling as well. I wish no one had to deal with this at all. It's so awful.

It's so hard. I have my family but mainly my mom and my younger brother who is moving out tomorrow. My family kind of expected me to bounce back because before I fell apart, I was living on my own with my ex and had a job and lived in a nice area with friends. College degree, etc. But I was struggling during that time, too. And my ex is what really helped me hold it together for years but people need a partner, not to be someone's caregiver.

Anyway, losing everyone kind of pushed me over the edge mental health wise. I don't really have friends these days, just my family who expects me to get back on my feet. I feel like such a failure because I simply do not have the capacity to take care of myself these days. I don't know what to do. I just feel like I'm past the point of no return, you know?

 

[luna666]

Sorry to hear about what you've been through.
Life is weird, tough and cruel and I know what is like to feel exhausted to the point of not having enough strength to keep going or to try new things.
All we can wish for is that you can find some calm days in the middle of this storm.
Whatever you decide, I just hope you can find the peace that you're searching for.

 

[WinterFaust]

Sorry to hear about what you've been through.
Life is weird, tough and cruel and I know what is like to feel exhausted to the point of not having enough strength to keep going or to try new things.
All we can wish for is that you can find some calm days in the middle of this storm.
Whatever you decide, I just hope you can find the peace that you're searching for.

Thank you so much. You're really kind.

Edit: Thank you, really. I love that this community is here and it makes me feel less alone but I hate that we're suffering like this. It really fucks me up. You all are so amazing.

I keep wondering if I'm just being impulsive, if I should just do my best to care for myself now and wait a little while to see if my health improves but I've been tired for so long and I just want to be held. I feel like a child.

 

[Ougizh]

So you are forgetting the last one to CBT, Just trying again and live.. for sure the live is goign to give you a death 100% sure, so if you wanna a last method to CBT, that's my humble opinion, I'm suicidal too, but i can't kill myself soo im just catching the bus of everyone who want fight.. Live. Ey! Hungs for you from Colombia and I hope you found a purpose to try it again.

-Johnny