Story Too afraid to live, too afraid to die

[ssaaahmo]

I have thoughts of suicide a lot and it makes me very anxious every time I think of killing myself.
I don't want to live anymore.
I'm so low that I can't even think of having the energy to kill myself.
I'm scared of living but it feels like my only option left because I've pretty much been guilted into staying on this planet.
I want to get better but I don't know how if I can't even get out of the environment that has numerous triggers. I'm taking care of myself and doing all the right things to get better-like staying on top of things and trying to get my life together. Filling my days with positive things like my pets and just watching them have fun.
I'm really exhausted. I want to go to sleep for a long time and just wake up happy.

 

[madbananas]

I have thoughts of suicide a lot and it makes me very anxious every time I think of killing myself.
I don't want to live anymore.
I'm so low that I can't even think of having the energy to kill myself.
I'm scared of living but it feels like my only option left because I've pretty much been guilted into staying on this planet.
I want to get better but I don't know how if I can't even get out of the environment that has numerous triggers. I'm taking care of myself and doing all the right things to get better-like staying on top of things and trying to get my life together. Filling my days with positive things like my pets and just watching them have fun.
I'm really exhausted. I want to go to sleep for a long time and just wake up happy.

I feel you with this. In my own experience it feels like I'm trapped in my body. You don't have to share if you don't want, but I'm interested to know what is stopping you from leaving your environment? I'm kind of stuck in mine, obviously lockdown at the moment, but even without it i wouldn't have the finances. What pets do you have? I love pets but I'm allergic haha

 

[FriendofDeath]

Pets are wondrous! I have 3 indoor cats and up to 4 feral. They definitely help in the day to day struggles. Wanting to get better is huge. I hope you can keep it up in a very frustrating environment. I like the idea of a long sleep and waking up happy.

 

[ssaaahmo]

I feel you with this. In my own experience it feels like I'm trapped in my body. You don't have to share if you don't want, but I'm interested to know what is stopping you from leaving your environment? I'm kind of stuck in mine, obviously lockdown at the moment, but even without it i wouldn't have the finances. What pets do you have? I love pets but I'm allergic haha

I live with my parents and can't move out because I don't have the money saved up. They are the ones who pay for my treatment and I couldn't pay it on my own. I have nowhere to go. I was going to move out several months ago but that all fell apart. I could legally move out and I would inba heartbeat if I had a solid plan.
I have dogs and chickens.

 

[madbananas]

I live with my parents and can't move out because I don't have the money saved up. They are the ones who pay for my treatment and I couldn't pay it on my own. I have nowhere to go. I was going to move out several months ago but that all fell apart. I could legally move out and I would inba heartbeat if I had a solid plan.
I have dogs and chickens.

ahh so it's quite similar to me. I'd also love to move out but don't have the money. I should have in a couple of years though.
and dogs are amazing! I have a family member who has dogs and chickens and they also say they give them some positivity when they feel they can't find any anywhere else.

 

[ssaaahmo]

I hope things work out for you. Dogs are sweet and chickens are just so funny!