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Imissyoumydarling

Imissyoumydarling

a very majestic chicken cat
May 7, 2022
107
This is venting/flow of thoughts. I'm not expecting responses.

My decision to CTB was based on receiving some information in June. I've just been told I'll get that information tomorrow. I'm not ready.

I'm scared that it's too soon. My SN isn't due till June. I wanted to die immediately after being told if the news was negative. But now I have to suffer two weeks. I want my SN so badly. I'm desperate for it. But it can't be bought locally.

My plan was to take a regional flight (no security) to a small town far away, then rent a car and drive for a few hours to the hotel room I've picked out which has personal meaning.

There is a large two person/two head shower cubicle. The bathroom is black tile. I was going to drag the bedding in there for it. It's where we were happy. I'll feel safe and enclosed because of the aesthetic and size of it. I'll be able to lie down fully. The door means I can put up a sign warning workers.

I found a cute little 110ml mug and tiny spoon yesterday on sale. My SN was coming bundled in 50g bags. I didn't want to carry extra gear. So I'm just going to dump the entire bag in the tiny mug and put in water. One mouthful will be about half. Then after the first vomit or five minutes, whichever comes first, I'll drink the rest. That way my SN won't contaminate any hotel things. And I won't have to bother measuring but it'll be the equivalent of two 25g/50ml glasses.

I was going to wear the clothes I was wearing the first time he told me he loved me. A long blue floral skirt and a fitted black lace V neck top. But now I'm confused and wondering if I should wear them tomorrow for the news. I don't want to jinx them. Someone talk me out of it because I want that outfit to be associated with good things. If the news is bad then the outfit will be bad. But maybe he'll change his mind if he sees it. But deep down I know thats irrational. An outfit won't change his mind.

I don't have family or friends. I'm going to post in my work whatsapp group shortly before drinking. It'll ask them to take care of specific things. Like money and my cat and my belongings. I don't have a will. I was going to just transfer all my money to one person (without warning them) and ask them to divide it into the amounts I've asked. I trust they'll be honest with it.

I'm so scared of the news. It wasn't meant to be this soon. I was meant to be more prepared. I was completely at ease with my plan but it all hinged on me having my SN right after getting the news. Now I have no SN and have to wait. There's no other method I'm comfortable with. I'm so scared to suffer.
 
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lecyleclec

lecyleclec

Disastrous Enby
May 5, 2022
36
I'm going soon but I'm here for you in these hours leading up to it.
 
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virgilwalks

Student
Apr 7, 2022
121
Is this medical information you're to be receiving ?
 
rationaltake

rationaltake

I'm rocking it - in another universe
Sep 28, 2021
2,704
Thinking of you. You've been so kind and helpful on this site. I hope it all goes well later on today. We're here for you whatever happens. Sending you positive vibes. Hopefully you're managing to get some sleep rn. 💗
 
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Cathy Ames

Cathy Ames

Cautionary Tale
Mar 11, 2022
2,111
Thinking of you. If the news is bad, I'll do anything I can to help you sustain during the coming weeks.
 
S

Seeking_Peace

Arcanist
May 18, 2022
476
How critical is setting a date to ctb? It feels like more pressure and anxiety is added when a timeframe is set.
 
Imissyoumydarling

Imissyoumydarling

a very majestic chicken cat
May 7, 2022
107
I failed.

I will kill myself as soon as I can. Need my SN to arrive asap.

Then I book the room and flight and car.

I will die as soon as I can. I will not be prolonging this.
I have an order from IC on its way with regular shipping.

I think I might just place a second order with expediated shipping in the hopes it might show up a day earlier.

It's expensive af but idc I have no more use for money

The sooner it arrives the better
 
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Reactions: LifeHasNoOptIn, NobodyKnowsMe, Cathy Ames and 1 other person
Cathy Ames

Cathy Ames

Cautionary Tale
Mar 11, 2022
2,111
I failed.

I will kill myself as soon as I can. Need my SN to arrive asap.

Then I book the room and flight and car.

I will die as soon as I can. I will not be prolonging this.
I have an order from IC on its way with regular shipping.

I think I might just place a second order with expediated shipping in the hopes it might show up a day earlier.

It's expensive af but idc I have no more use for money

The sooner it arrives the better
Well, crap! I'm so sorry. I'm slightly confused about what all has been playing out but understand things have been set into motion. 😢
 
C

crystalskies31

Student
May 20, 2022
149
Hey I'm in a similar boat
Planning to get SN and CTB very soon
Will be around on here if you need to post
 

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