Today's the day, guys

[Dani Paradox]

Awuhrr yeah it's a nice escape I've never braved that plateau, I've been using 120 mg doses as needed for my depression and anger and it helps, but the most I took was 300 mg but with diphenhydramine it was bad >< But without it oh yeah, those first few times were amazing, I was like, "This is legal OTC? And if it seems this good what about the good stuff," but alas everyone says it doesn't last forever, and I imagine it lost the magic for you long ago so it's only a matter of time for me awuhrr *looks down*

Oh thank you, I'm just looking for eternal peace and love and to transcend my bad aspects, all the cliche stuff *giggles* Oh forgive my rambling it's the drugs xD

Oh Dani *hugs you warmly and sighs* I can only imagine what you've faced, I can only imagine...

I was the same way lol I never did it with the diphenhydramine, but dimenhydrinate is basically the same thing. Shit had me stuck to the floor and blacking out for the whole day...having conversations with my reflection in the mirror lol. Wasn't too crazy about it. But hey, don't knock it til you try it. The reason I stopped doing dxm though was actually because it was causing health issues. I still don't know what that even was, but it felt like all my nerves were on fire all over my body and even in the roots of my teeth...to the point where I would rip my clothes off and jump in an ice cold shower. Even on low doses. I kind of had to be like "okay, enough of this stuff." lol

 

[Final Escape]

Jeez. Can't you still decide to have kids though. I'm sorry that happened to you :( I do understand. I think we're on the same page. It was basically the same thing. To put quite simply, "toxic masculinity." I was a bad boy with a sweet side who felt unable to express it because it threatened my masculinity. Plus I wanted long hair, heels and makeup. I liked "girl clothes." I felt like I couldn't be myself. I felt "trapped in the wrong body." Then the doctors told me that I was, and I thought I had a medical condition, so I listened and taught myself how to be a girl. They basically just drove me into confusion, and then into oblivion.

This is fascinating to me and believe me, I'm not judging you or assuming that this was all your fault. Our culture is so toxic now that this could happen to anybody. I read that many women end up having repeat abortions. You're even more at risk of choosing abortion if u were sexually abused as a kid, which I was at age 10. I'm too old to have kids now even though I can probably get pregnant still. I certainly can't afford a child and I don't feel attractive enough to find a partner. Many women hit the wall starting a lot sooner than we expect to, or assume we can put off finding a partner while young. You can't attract men like u could in 20's especially. The risk of complications increases but it's especially difficult economically and I'm sure a pregnancy at 41 is goin to be really exhausting as opposed to when you're in 20's.

 

[Dani Paradox]

I got breast implants which I regret tremendously, and now if one bursts I can't afford to fix lol! That would be catastrophic right now bc I'm a sex worker to support myself. They are the salt water ones so not deadly if one ruptures but will be embarrassing walking around with one implant and one deflated boob.

That must be so stressful to have to worry about. Those are so expensive to maintain >_< I guess you'd have to use one of those prosthetics like women with breast cancer use? Yikes :(

I wish there was something I could say where you could do something to make something good come out of this mistake. That really is the only way u can move on from something like this. Same for me, I would have to get out of sex work and then help other women out of it to try to give meaning to my life. Like help discourage youth from making same mistake. Make YouTube vids telling story.

That sounds like the best way to handle it. People always suggest similar for me. The thing is having the strength to deal with it and carry on. So does it take more courage to carry on, or does it take more courage to admit that you can't? I guess it all depends on how you look at it. I say it's better to burn out than to fade away. I don't know about you, but if I actually try to carry on I'm going to either end up homeless, in prison, a permanent institution, or just end up dead anyway...….need to just get it over with now. It's not going to end well.

 

[Fallen bad23]

I don't know much about medical stuff but isn't there anything that could help you?

 

[Final Escape]

That must be so stressful to have to worry about. Those are so expensive to maintain >_< I guess you'd have to use one of those prosthetics like women with breast cancer use? Yikes :(



That sounds like the best way to handle it. People always suggest similar for me. The thing is having the strength to deal with it and carry on. So does it take more courage to carry on, or does it take more courage to admit that you can't? I guess it all depends on how you look at it. I say it's better to burn out than to fade away. I don't know about you, but if I actually try to carry on I'm going to either end up homeless, in prison, a permanent institution, or just end up dead anyway...….need to just get it over with now. It's not going to end well.

Yes I'm very close to homelessness, jail or prison might actually be good for me because i struggle with no structure and creating it. I was in jail one night and the next day, had a great time lol! I made all the girls laugh so hard. The feeling of community was a nice feeling lol!

 

[Dani Paradox]

This is fascinating to me and believe me, I'm not judging you or assuming that this was all your fault. Our culture is so toxic now that this could happen to anybody.

Mind you there was a lot of child abuse involved as well. My whole life my father constantly told me I was acting like a girl. I couldn't even brush my hair in the mirror without having to deal with it. My friends busted my balls too. "Such a girl..." And my girlfriend placed me in a certain box too. Lots of things were involved.

I read that many women end up having repeat abortions. You're even more at risk of choosing abortion if u were sexually abused as a kid, which I was at age 10. I'm too old to have kids now even though I can probably get pregnant still. I certainly can't afford a child and I don't feel attractive enough to find a partner. Many women hit the wall starting a lot sooner than we expect to, or assume we can put off finding a partner while young. You can't attract men like u could in 20's especially. The risk of complications increases but it's especially difficult economically and I'm sure a pregnancy at 41 is goin to be really exhausting as opposed to when you're in 20's.

That definitely makes things difficult.. It can be dangerous having children at that age. Some women don't even make it through labor. You could still find a partner though if you look in the right places. Older men and women flock to certain places. Maybe even a single dad who already has a child and the financial support? No matter how unattractive you feel there will always be someone who thinks you are beautiful.

 

[Dani Paradox]

Yes I'm very close to homelessness, jail or prison might actually be good for me because i struggle with no structure and creating it. I was in jail one night and the next day, had a great time lol! I made all the girls laugh so hard. The feeling of community was a nice feeling lol!

Oh wow.....that's exactly how I've been feeling about psych wards. Community, activities, friendships, relationships, food, support...

I don't know about prison though, lol.

 

[Dani Paradox]

I don't know much about medical stuff but isn't there anything that could help you?

Unfortunately not. Other than testosterone. I'm on that now. It will masculinize my body again, but that's it. My facial hair will never grow back. I might even lose my hair. And then I'll be a bald guy with no dick >_< Not a pretty picture.

 

[Final Escape]

Mind you there was a lot of child abuse involved as well. My whole life my father constantly told me I was acting like a girl. I couldn't even brush my hair in the mirror without having to deal with it. My friends busted my balls too. "Such a girl..." And my girlfriend placed me in a certain box too. Lots of things were involved.



That definitely makes things difficult.. It can be dangerous having children at that age. Some women don't even make it through labor. You could still find a partner though if you look in the right places. Older men and women flock to certain places. Maybe even a single dad who already has a child and the financial support? No matter how unattractive you feel there will always be someone who thinks you are beautiful.

Yes, I bet the insults from these people greatly influenced you to give in to trying to embrace your feminine side more. I went the opposite way for a long time. I tried to repress aspects of being a woman because to me being female seemed less valued. Now I understand that this brainwashing came from father rejection, the sexual abuse from a different man. I watched my father give tons of attention to my little bro but ignored me. Also my mother favored little bro over me. This gave me the message that being female meant that I was less valuable. I assumed my sex was the problem for some reason lol! Also feminist messages was very destructive for me, basically telling young women you should be more like a man and that this will make us happy lol!

 

[Dani Paradox]

Yes, I bet the insults from these people greatly influenced you to give in to trying to embrace your feminine side more. I went the opposite way for a long time. I tried to repress aspects of being a woman because to me being female seemed less valued. Now I understand that this brainwashing came from father rejection, the sexual abuse from a different man. I watched my father give tons of attention to my little bro but ignored me. Also my mother favored little bro over me. This gave me the message that being female meant that I was less valuable. I assumed my sex was the problem for some reason lol! Also feminist messages was very destructive for me, basically telling young women you should be more like a man and that this will make us happy lol!

The EXACT same story as mine. Except reversed. I went my whole life repressing my feminine side until I finally snapped. My father's rejection. He favored my big sister over me. I felt like I wasn't good enough, and that if I had just been a girl I would have been valued. Even my mother used to tell me as a young child, "I wish I had a girl!!" I grew up feeling like I wasn't good enough and then I snapped. We have the same story. Interesting. Well, you made out better than me, anyway.

 

[Ghab]

I kinda wish I could be in the tent with you. I'll see you on the other side in a few years. Peace be with you and Godspeed Dani.

 

[Final Escape]

Unfortunately not. Other than testosterone. I'm on that now. It will masculinize my body again, but that's it. My facial hair will never grow back. I might even lose my hair. And then I'll be a bald guy with no dick >_< Not a pretty picture.

When did it first hit you that maybe you had made a mistake about wanting to fully transition to be like a woman? I saw a documentary once about a guy who went female a couple times and finally went back to being a guy. He looked fine and also had his member removed.

The EXACT same story as mine. Except reversed. I went my whole life repressing my feminine side until I finally snapped. My father's rejection. He favored my big sister over me. I felt like I wasn't good enough, and that if I had just been a girl I would have been valued. Even my mother used to tell me as a young child, "I wish I had a girl!!" I grew up feeling like I wasn't good enough and then I snapped. We have the same story. Interesting. Well, you made out better than me, anyway.

Yes similar story but wanting to be the opposite sex, at least in the years that it most mattered to us to be loved and accepted. I've gotten comfortable with being a woman now since I've matured into it but when I was young I really resented it. I wouldn't say I turned out better. I ended up becoming a prostitute and having multiple abortions. You don't move on from this kind of life unscathed. Sure I have my vagina intact and I can still have sex but in a way I feel like sex has lost its appeal to me in part due to aging and also the reminder of how much my sexual acting out destroyed my chance at being in stable relationship and having a family of my own.

 

[Dani Paradox]

When did it first hit you that maybe you had made a mistake about wanting to fully transition to be like a woman? I saw a documentary once about a guy who went female a couple times and finally went back to being a guy. He looked fine and also had his member removed..

About a year or so after the surgery... Transitioned at 19. Surgery at 22. Dad paid for it. Had my doubts after, and then regretted it at 23. Figured, "Hey, what's done is done. Might as well live with it." Then it spiraled until I ended up in bed next to a girl and it fully hit me, "OMG my dick is gone. What am I supposed to do?!" I lost it after that. The spiral continued. More girls. Same story. Over and over. And here I am. Almost 27. The end.

Yes similar story but wanting to be the opposite sex, at least in the years that it most mattered to us to be loved and accepted. I've gotten comfortable with being a woman now since I've matured into it but when I was young I really resented it. I wouldn't say I turned out better. I ended up becoming a prostitute and having multiple abortions. You don't move on from this kind of life unscathed. Sure I have my vagina intact and I can still have sex but in a way I feel like sex has lost its appeal to me in part due to aging and also the reminder of how much my sexual acting out destroyed my chance at being in stable relationship and having a family of my own.

That's totally understandable :( I mean, what's sex without love? There's definitely a difference. I imagine it would be difficult to get that feeling back again. Especially after so many years. Different stories there, for sure. Different paths. No relationship, children or family is heartbreaking enough on it's own. Nevermind the road to get there.. I believe there is still hope for you though. Try not to be so hard on yourself.

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

I was the same way lol I never did it with the diphenhydramine, but dimenhydrinate is basically the same thing. Shit had me stuck to the floor and blacking out for the whole day...having conversations with my reflection in the mirror lol. Wasn't too crazy about it. But hey, don't knock it til you try it. The reason I stopped doing dxm though was actually because it was causing health issues. I still don't know what that even was, but it felt like all my nerves were on fire all over my body and even in the roots of my teeth...to the point where I would rip my clothes off and jump in an ice cold shower. Even on low doses. I kind of had to be like "okay, enough of this stuff." lol

Hehehehe yep and oh my goodness, yeah I've only approached hallucinations well once on dxm I thought maybe I hallucinated some guardian angels or demons or some entities trying to protect me from harm but yeah that's a drug thing oh yeah baby XD

And yeah it definitely lifts my mood but then makes me a bit manic and hot as well, indeed but oh my goodness, I'm sorry to hear that gah >< I eat less on it and crave cigarettes more when without it I don't, and I go back to food xD Aw yeah every drug loses its charm it seems wuh >< *I pat your ears* Aw Dani <3