Venting Today's my birthday

[nys]

Its my birthday today & Im mad at myself abt living to see another one. I've wanted to ctb for abt 4 years now & every year I'd promise myself I'd be gone before I turned another year older, & I failed every year

This year I thought I i'd rlly do it- I withdrew from everyone to make my death easier on them. I self sabotaged to the point that I lost everything so I could ensure there was nothing that could make me wanna live. I joined this website & started actually researching methods

I rlly thought I would do it this year but its my birthday today which means another whole year has passed & Ive done nothing. I feel like Im always gonna be here wishing I was gone & I'm never gonna actually take the last steps & ctb

 

[Jrmull1993]

@nys Have you ever sat down and analyzed what is keeping you alive?

 

[Nirrend]

Hi @nys

I'm sorry to hear that you are in pain and I understand what you are living through

I hope that you are in peace with you choices right now,

I wish you a happy birthday because it's your day today :) <3

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I think for those that are still here, none of us can know what tomorrow will bring, if we'll be here the next day, next week, next year. Obviously, the final step of ctb is the hardest. There's no shame in not having got there, yet. I have no idea whether you will, or not, and neither do you. In the meantime, I think it best to maybe live in the present and try and have a happy a birthday as best you can. Do something nice for you. Just because. FWIW, Happy Birthday @nys .

 

[nys]

@nys Have you ever sat down and analyzed what is keeping you alive?

I have, I think its SI. I wanna ctb bc of how permanent of a solution it is, but that also scares me out of doing it (idk if that makes sense sorry). Once I die i just stop existing & there's nothing, like I cant go back & change my mind & I'll be dead forever

Hi @nys

I'm sorry to hear that you are in pain and I understand what you are living through

I hope that you are in peace with you choices right now,

I wish you a happy birthday because it's your day today :) <3

I think for those that are still here, none of us can know what tomorrow will bring, if we'll be here the next day, next week, next year. Obviously, the final step of ctb is th hardest. There's no shame in not having got there, yet. I have no idea whether you will, or not, and neither do you. In the meantime, I think it best to maybe live in the present and try and have a happy a birthday as best you can. Do something nice for you. Just because. FWIW, Happy Birthday @nys .

Thx for your kind words

 

[Zegers]

I've been thinking about it for 11 years and i've been considering it for 4 years and now planning. It's not like press a button, it takes time.

 

[Jrmull1993]

I have, I think its SI. I wanna ctb bc of how permanent of a solution it is, but that also scares me out of doing it (idk if that makes sense sorry). Once I die i just stop existing & there's nothing, like I cant go back & change my mind & I'll be dead forever

How detailed of a plan do you have, and are your affairs in order? I found that it's done wonders putting me at ease.

 

[nys]

How detailed of a plan do you have, and are your affairs in order? I found that it's done wonders putting me at ease.

I have everything ready & in order. I wrote a few notes & everything's perfect for me to go. I have a precise ctb plan, except for the date bc I keep delaying it. There isnt anything preventing me from walking outside & doing it rn but I still cant bring myself to bc of my SI- idk why I even have it bc now there isnt even any reason for me to live anymore
I guess I'm gonna delay it a little more. That would give me time to think abt ctb more & get more used to the idea which could maybe help me overcome my SI

 

[Jrmull1993]

@nys Sorry to hear, that's definitely not easy. Perhaps taking a hefty dose of anti-anxiety meds prior to the next attempt to try and ease the SI temptation?

 

[nys]

@nys Sorry to hear, that's definitely not easy. Perhaps taking a hefty dose of anti-anxiety meds prior to the next attempt to try and ease the SI temptation?

Thx that sounds like a good idea. I guess I'll try that

 

[Siclop]

im at same situation than you and prolly alot of people here, but you have your time i have mine, its pretty normal dont push to hard on yourself.

also Happy birthday, try enjoy your birthday do something fun ^^

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I have, I think its SI. I wanna ctb bc of how permanent of a solution it is, but that also scares me out of doing it (idk if that makes sense sorry). Once I die i just stop existing & there's nothing, like I cant go back & change my mind & I'll be dead forever


Thx for your kind words

I understand. Regret will be impossible of course but even in light of that the sheer finality of it is daunting. It's inevitable anyways. And I know it's also tough to give up the idea of future positive expeiences, even if we don't think they're worth it.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand your frustrations. Suicide really should not be so difficult. I never want to get older personally, I have so much dread for the future but of course to me there is nothing easy about leaving this world. I wish you relief from suffering as none of us here should ever have to endure such misery.