I've been moving closer to ctb and for sure now want to move on/out of this world. Being awake is painful, sleeping - with bad dreams and nightmares - is no better. There is no break from the constant awfulness.
I can't see, no matter how hard I try, the worth for future for me. Life will consist of what it has consisted of for the past 10+ years..getting up, working at yet another job, being behind on bills most of the time because I end up job hopping so much due to the anxiety and depression that are ever present. Yes, I've tried therapy, yoga, praying, medications, journaling, etc - some of it helped for a bit, most did nothing. I am tired. Physically, emotionally, spiritually spent. There is nothing left.
This morning I start a new job - I am not looking forward to it, but then I don't look forward to anything. I have no idea what number this job will be - over 50 but less than 100 I've had since 2009 when everything in my life went off the rails. I've never been able to get my life back on track. I'm not an addict or alcoholic, my demons are all emotional - life long depress, anxiety, self doubt, shame.. which all became expoentially worse when the stability I had in my life died.
JD Souther, a musician, sings a beautiful song " When You're Only Lonely" I pulled it up on youtube earlier - and sobbed. I hardly ever cry and rarely sob, but a short time ago I did. For myself, for everyone on this forum who is suffering and wishing we all could just find peace.
I can't see, no matter how hard I try, the worth for future for me. Life will consist of what it has consisted of for the past 10+ years..getting up, working at yet another job, being behind on bills most of the time because I end up job hopping so much due to the anxiety and depression that are ever present. Yes, I've tried therapy, yoga, praying, medications, journaling, etc - some of it helped for a bit, most did nothing. I am tired. Physically, emotionally, spiritually spent. There is nothing left.
This morning I start a new job - I am not looking forward to it, but then I don't look forward to anything. I have no idea what number this job will be - over 50 but less than 100 I've had since 2009 when everything in my life went off the rails. I've never been able to get my life back on track. I'm not an addict or alcoholic, my demons are all emotional - life long depress, anxiety, self doubt, shame.. which all became expoentially worse when the stability I had in my life died.
JD Souther, a musician, sings a beautiful song " When You're Only Lonely" I pulled it up on youtube earlier - and sobbed. I hardly ever cry and rarely sob, but a short time ago I did. For myself, for everyone on this forum who is suffering and wishing we all could just find peace.
