Story Today was supposed to be my final day

[Fragile]

Last year I made a promise to myself, I was supposed give this life one final chance and then peacefully die during late May or early June if things didn't work out.

And I moved everything in my life towards that goal. it wasn't easy, but I managed to move to a cheap apartment where I can have some privacy, I've been to some medical appointments to try to know what I have and fix or at least treat those issues. and I got N, my dream method, literally the one dream in my life that actually became reality.

things didn't improve, at least I have my peaceful pill ready and that's the only thing that gives me some sort of comfort.

but then the world crashed and started burning.

Now the economy of my country is taking yet another big hit because of the quarantine. some of my closest relatives were in heavy financial debt before corona, I can't imagine what they'll have to deal with in a couple of months.

I came to the conclusion that I can't burden them with my death, it will crush them now worse than ever and I'm afraid that my death will truly fuck their lives beyond repair. To be honest, I would've killed myself a long time ago if I wasn't a big part in their lives. every inch of my body wants out, my health issues are becoming crippling and my mental health gets to a new lower point every single day. this is not a life, it never was.

I don't want this life, I don't want to live a day at the time when every single day is a battle, nothing soothers the mental anguish or the physical pain. the only thing that keeps me going is the fear of hurting others, but that fear will go away one day.

 

[lululoo]

You are a kind person.

I sort of felt like that at the beginning of the pandemic, like it was too much trauma to add to people's lives, but at this point I don't worry anymore. The pandemic is not going away anytime soon so I can't really consider it a factor. I also just care less about the impact I will have, I guess.

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

It is kind of you to delay your ctb for the sake of others. I have struggled with feeling guilty about ctb when everyone is suffering but I don't have the connections you do. Try and be kind to yourself, you deserve it

 

[I screwed up]

Pandemic or no the impact of ur death on ur family will remain the same I guess. IMO u need to think abt yourself first do u really want to ctb.?? I also envy u in some ways as u have N , wish I had it .. I would be the happiest soul.

 

[Fragile]

Thank you for your words guys, I really needed to hear something like that. It really warms my hearth.

and I know that I should think about myself a bit more, but it's so hard to see other people struggling, specially when they are close enough for it to hurt. I guess that's just my nature. I really wish that I wasn't like this, caring for others is a shitty disadvantage in life and is in part the reason why I got to such a low point in my life, so many bad decisions for the sake of others, so much time and money wasted on people that can't be fixed.

I really regret not distancing myself from my loved ones when I had the chance, now they are so close and emotionally dependent on me and it will hurt them even more. I feel terrible about it.

Now I'll have to set a new date, and just wither away until the day finally comes, I'll continue to live this self destructive life until my body gives up, and it looks like it may not take that long because my health is in such a poor state.

Right now I feel so defeated, frustrated and stupid for having to ramble about how I can't CTB. but at least I got my N ready and tons of drugs to never have to deal with this while being sober.

 

[Emily123]

Today was supposed to be my last day too . Last week i made my decision to ctb today and i mentioned it in a few posts . i just couldn't do it . i am not still ready

 

[Fragile]

Today was supposed to be my last day too . Last week i made my decision to ctb today and i mentioned it in a few posts . i just couldn't do it . i am not still ready

I'm sorry to hear that, and I know how it feels.

but maybe it's a good thing, maybe one day we'll feel truly ready to go, or something good will come and it will be enough to give this life another chance.