Venting Today was supposed to be a good day.

[Blankcanvas]

I've not long moved into a new apartment with my bf of 4 years. We've lived together for a few years now and as explicitly nice he is, he somehow makes me feel like the most unimportant person in the world. He's not the root of my depression but his inability to uphold a conversation really adds to it.

Today was supposed to be a good day. Yesterday I achieved my basic tasks of tidying my room and taking care of myself and my dog and I really felt like I was back on a roll. But this morning as I sat eating breakfast with my boyfriend everything quickly turned awful again. I made some generic conversation about a whirlwind of dust outside the window and he sat there blankly staring at me and not saying a word. I lost it, I told him I was sick of being ignored and I have no idea why I'm in this relationship when he can't even talk to me. I threw both my plate and glass at the wall as I left to lock myself in the bathroom. The glass destroyed the tiles of the kitchen, typical me ruining things.

After this anger is where I'd get really upset and overwhelmed but lately I just feel at peace. That's how I felt 4 weeks ago when I found myself in the same situation and attempted to hang myself, peaceful. Of course my boyfriend found me unconscious and vouched to be more attentive and caring.

But what's strange to me is today as I found myself taking a time out in the bathroom he left me in there for over 40 minutes and he didn't even bother to check on me. It's not the reason I locked myself in there for him to check it's a habit we we lived in a studio and the bathroom was the only privacy I got.

i know being so upset at being ignored might seem like a really silly thing. But I've spent a long time living with this boy and I have to constantly ask him to reply to me when I speak to him. It's also been a cycle of me trying to explain my depression and he just hugs me as though a physical touch is what I need. My 'friends' joke he's a robot but the thing is it's not like he struggles emotionally , he always cry's. He just doesn't see the importance in talking to me.

I've never felt so alone, but I'm stuck. Why do people insist on making us live for them only to hurt us? That is what is unfair.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I encounter very similar issues with my husband. I think my mother-in-law talks more to me than he does. He never seems interested in being with me or conversing with me.

Yet, when I left my suicide note for him, he sprang into action and called everyone who could possibly figure out where I was. My mother-in-law shares with me how focused and intense he was on saving me; that it was so clear he loved me and didn't want to lose me.

It's just so strange not to see that commitment in everyday life. I wonder if it's just because they don't know how to really help us through these tough times, and any other kind of conversation just seems trite? The irony is, just having any kind of conversation would help us feel so much better.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

Living for someone else in any measure is a painful and not sufficiently rewarding experience. I'm sorry if that is something you're dealing with. I would suggest ultimately doing what is best for you, not living for your boyfriend.

 

[Blankcanvas]

Wow thank you so much for replying. I don't think I've ever felt so understood, most people say I should just be grateful for what I have.

My boyfriend just came into my room now and said he will change because it upsets him when I'm sad. But he's said this countless of times. It's so scary being stuck in a cycle when you know nothing will change but you continue to hope. I hate that I hope. But I also hate that he only wants to change because it hurts him.

I think that's the thing that hurts the most is how simple the solution is and how they continue to deprive us of it. All we want is someone to make conversation with, you're so right something so mundane would mean so much.

Living for someone else in any measure is a painful and not sufficiently rewarding experience. I'm sorry if that is something you're dealing with. I would suggest ultimately doing what is best for you, not living for your boyfriend.

Thank you for replying to my very long vent . It's something I struggle with a lot, codependency and being too nice to others without realising it's effecting me until it's too late. Definteitly a trait I wish I didn't have I appreciate the advice, thank you again.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

The only thing that's not crazy-making, and also is not codependent, abusive or violent, is to accept him as he is.

He's not motivated to change or he would have. And he doesn't have to. I suspect he was like that before you met him, yes?

So, all other considerations aside, can you accept him as he is or can you not?

 

[Blankcanvas]

No he's wasn't.
And that's the grand point, people should change their behaviours when they're explicitly aware it harms someone they claim to care about and it should be very easy to do so.
I've never struggled with it.

 

[Nelos]

Why not end the relationship

 

[Life_and_Death]

could it be possible that maybe he just isnt good at conversations and maybe decided you could use your space? i think you should try to talk to him. talking can help a lot but sometimes it takes a few talks for them to finally understand it.

 

[nitroautnz]

Yes if i learn something from my relationship, communication is the most important thing, its not always easy to find the proper word or just explain your thought. But the best thing is to try.