Venting today is my wife's birthday

[Donk]

every year on her birthday i would buy her flowers and take her to a nice fine dining restaurant. i want to make her feel special on her birthday. its 9:30 in the morning. i havent bought her a gift. i was planning to make a dinner for her. but im stuck in bed. ive been bed ridden for sometime due to depression and anxiety. i feel like such a horrible husband. i feel useless. she deserves someone better. someone who will make her happy. i dont know why she still loves me and support me at this point. ive already attempted suicide before and she worries about me all the time. i dont know anymore. i sick of feeling like this. thanks for reading my post.

 

[Notabadguy]

Is your depression due to any particular reason? I mean, is it reactive or endogenous?

 

[Donk]

my dad and brother has mental illness so i think part of it is hereditary. also i was bullied alot in school. i remember dreading going to school every morning. i never did well in school. i struggled to understand curriculum since english wasnt my first language. i grew up with a critical father who made me feel inadequate all the time. i hated him when i was young. then he left us to work overseas but that didnt bother me too much. i was doing ok until last december. my depression relapsed. i think the meds i was taking stopped working or it could be have been that i hit benzo tolerance. the new AD hasnt been working either. too factors. i'm not fixable.

 

[Nem]

I hope things go well today, even though you feel rough and undeserving just go with it since she obviously loves you. My ex broke up with me the day after I made a suicide attempt so the fact she is still with you is a very good sign. I know depression and anxiety suck like hell but try to give yourself a break, it's not your fault you feel this way

peace/hugs

 

[toomuchtimetodie]

Will she not appreciate a good long massage and general pampering...

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Do you have the energy to write her a letter that celebrates how awesome she is?

 

[Donk]

i sang her song lol

 

[waterbottleman]

every year on her birthday i would buy her flowers and take her to a nice fine dining restaurant. i want to make her feel special on her birthday. its 9:30 in the morning. i havent bought her a gift. i was planning to make a dinner for her. but im stuck in bed. ive been bed ridden for sometime due to depression and anxiety. i feel like such a horrible husband. i feel useless. she deserves someone better. someone who will make her happy. i dont know why she still loves me and support me at this point. ive already attempted suicide before and she worries about me all the time. i dont know anymore. i sick of feeling like this. thanks for reading my post.

bruh....

You have a lady who loves you unconditionally, who still loves you and is attracted to you even after a suicide attempt and being bed ridden?

Dude dude dude, my man. You are so god damn blessed and lucky to have a woman who loves you that much.

She does deserve better and she does deserve to be happy, but she will be happy if YOU make her happy and if YOU give her what she deserves. You may not think you're valuable but she does and she loves you. She wants to have a happy life with YOU, not some other guy who you think is "better." She wants you, no one else.

You don't have to be Superman, you don't have to be the best. She loves you for who you are and the fact that she has stuck around with you after a suicide attempt is a testament to this fact.

Now for some tough love get off your ass and do something for her birthday. Cook dinner for her, do extra chores for the day so she doesn't have to, etc.

 

[enjolras]

I'd say, when it's impossible to feel better and take care of yourself, the only way left to do you some good can be to get out of yourself by taking care of others. Forgetting about yourself a moment won't wipe out your right to feel bad / be ill overall, but by demonstrating your sensitivity (which is inside you since you started the thread), it can boost your self-esteem an instant, is a gesture that won't go unnoticed and does not engage you further.
Lastly, if there's nothing to believe in, it still might be in your selfish interest (to proceed with some efforts), which is good to take. You never know what the futur holds (trying my best to close the loop, arg)

edit : regarding your self-judgement. It's obvious you love her. She cares back, it's natural. Just showing a little adaptation will be felt amplified. No need to be at your top level

 

[Donk]

bruh....

You have a lady who loves you unconditionally, who still loves you and is attracted to you even after a suicide attempt and being bed ridden?

Dude dude dude, my man. You are so god damn blessed and lucky to have a woman who loves you that much.

She does deserve better and she does deserve to be happy, but she will be happy if YOU make her happy and if YOU give her what she deserves. You may not think you're valuable but she does and she loves you. She wants to have a happy life with YOU, not some other guy who you think is "better." She wants you, no one else.

You don't have to be Superman, you don't have to be the best. She loves you for who you are and the fact that she has stuck around with you after a suicide attempt is a testament to this fact.

Now for some tough love get off your ass and do something for her birthday. Cook dinner for her, do extra chores for the day so she doesn't have to, etc.

i do feel bless that i have her. i remember while i was in the hospital, she would visit me everyday no matter how tire she was from work. i feel like i dont deserve someone like her. she can be alot happier with someone else. we've been married for 10 yrs now. everything was good until my depression relapse back in december. i dunno...i think she still has hopes that i will get better. i'm trying my hardest to keep her hopes alive.

 

[moonsafari]

i do feel bless that i have her. i remember while i was in the hospital, she would visit me everyday no matter how tire she was from work. i feel like i dont deserve someone like her. she can be alot happier with someone else. we've been married for 10 yrs now. everything was good until my depression relapse back in december. i dunno...i think she still has hopes that i will get better. i'm trying my hardest to keep her hopes alive.

I feel like she would be very, very heartbroken if you committed suicide because if she cared and loved you enough to visit you every single day in the hospital, she really cherished you being there. You guys both deserve lots of love and hugs