TODAY I HAVE NO ONE

[okkkk]

I dont want to be alone anymore. Ive always been alone and i know if i searched the phrase "ive always been alone" on this website or any website im not alone in that feeling. But i need it to end. I feel a hunger i cant satiate. To tell the truth i have no idea how to be the persuer in any kind of relationship. platonic or romantic. I was so dilligently taught that I have nothing to offer in my early life. And even with the knowledge of this programming error Im still shaky about it. Im mostly just mentally devastated how much of a negative effect my family was. And i know im not alone in that experience either. Now that i really think about it its mostly the fact that i still cant completley separate myself from this horrible situation. And I beat on myself for not being competent enough to have found my way out yet. Yet im cognitively aware that what im asking of myself is a major task.
Im obsessed with self actualization. Back when i was closer (in distance) to my family i wanted to fucking die. Now that im away its clear that i wasnt chemically lacking happy juice as much as i was reacting normally to being belittled, gaslit, and set up for failure again and again with the added mindfuck of being told this was being done out of love. What horrifies me more than anything is not reaching my potential. And being born to people who observed me creating in my natural state and wanted to snuff my authentic identity out is ethier plan bad luck or gods way of proving to me that he doesn't exist. If i were to succumb to my lowest impulses back then and actually ctb then i would have made my worst fear real. And with no one knowing or caring. I have incalculable rage for them having the audacity to make the desicion for me that i dont get to be an autonomous person. I continue living out of spite. I cant let them get what they want. I need to be able to help myself but im so stuck and its such a helpless feeling. I just want the family i was denied. Today i have no one.

 

[timf]

Those who have gone through difficult times often have difficulty in social situations because habits of harshness that have been acquired for survival can scare people who have not known difficulty.

To enter the social world one may have to wear a mask to cover that which would cause alarm. This can allow experiments to be performed that can help one learn the skills to operate more easily over time.

One can start a process of learning social engagement at a low level such as occasional banter with a clerk at a convenience store. The key is to be short, keep it light, ask questions rather that share, and be humorous.

It is also a good idea to reflect on anger and bitterness. These can be useful in making a break from toxic people, but you want to be careful not to allow them to fester into bitterness that can poison your own life as well as scare off others.