Livingvsdying25
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,188
Sooo my health issues rn include: The symptoms of POTS include but are not limited to lightheadedness (occasionally with fainting), difficulty thinking and concentrating (brain fog), fatigue, intolerance of exercise, headache, blurry vision, palpitations, tremor and nausea.
Soo muscle sorness and breathlessness is also included Im in a flareup so its pretty bad.
I've been thinking bc of especially the brain fog aspect to wait until I'm not in a flare-up so I can make sure I am thinking completely correctly... but my options rn for methods are all physical stuff. Drowning is one im considering heavily. Been reading lots and most folks its not very high on the list of desired methods which I get bc of how awful not being able to breath/drowning is/would feel but I'm starting to reconsider bc... with my health issues I've had times of just lying in bed not being able to breathe..its pretty awful but been getting pretty used to it.
I just picked up 2 weeks worth of meds which includes:
0.5mg clonazapam: 28 pills
0.1mg clonidine: 70 pills
300mg gabapentin: 56 pills
I also have (meds I dont take anymore and don't think they have any use in CTB but correct me if im wrong)
pantoprazole magnesium 40mg - 14 pills. (its like a medication to help stomach ulcers and stomach acid)
Ferrous Fumarate 300mg(iron pills) 14 pills
Abilify- 2mg- 14 pills - atypical antipsychotic
Dexedrine( ADHD meds/ stimulant) 15mg - 42 pills plus another bottle with probs about 30? At least.
I would prefer to drown in my bath tub but it isnt that deep. So im willing to / know a beach that I almost tried to drown myself at in 2021.
I also have magnesium capsules about... 80-70 capsules. Has 3 kinds of magnesium and
Per each about:
333mg magnesium l-threonate
230mg magnesium glycinate
210mg magnesium taurate
Melatonin thats 10mg each but is a dual release so 5mg released immediately and 5mg throughout the night.
And I just ordered CBD capsules 50mg - 30 pills.
I also have buspar(buspirone) - 10mg- roughly about 40 pills.
Combining some of these has left me extremely woozy but at "safe doses" I wouldn't want to use my meds unless im sure and such anyway...
I've been struggling to decide what I would use to weigh myself down. I thought of using several journals I have to weigh my backpack down but something about the paper makes me think that is a bad idea.
So looking around.... I'm not sure what I'd have thats heavy and sorta water proof to use to weigh myself down... maybe cleaning product bottles? I'd have to think on that but again my ability to think its very somewhat limited rn.
The other methods I've considered are partial hanging & cutting but ik I cannot do those. Other is finding a decent SN source and yee otherwise method wise kinda fucked.
Night night method seems to be somewhat plausible but I really don't want any method that involves me doing anything to myself violent bc the hesitation would be strong so ig I like drowning bc ik I have enough to knock me out to some degree but... I'm not entirely sure.
I am getting very ready to end my life and I'm a verbal processor so just writing this post cleared up a lil ig.
Brain is likeeee 40-50%/100 and bc I'm not currently resting its getting worse so. I dunno. There's so many ways to fail but I'm also not sure if that's enough to stop me.
With all my hearts of hearts I am ready to go but my brain fog and lack of clearly worked out method is giving me hesitation. As it should be yee.
Soo muscle sorness and breathlessness is also included Im in a flareup so its pretty bad.
I've been thinking bc of especially the brain fog aspect to wait until I'm not in a flare-up so I can make sure I am thinking completely correctly... but my options rn for methods are all physical stuff. Drowning is one im considering heavily. Been reading lots and most folks its not very high on the list of desired methods which I get bc of how awful not being able to breath/drowning is/would feel but I'm starting to reconsider bc... with my health issues I've had times of just lying in bed not being able to breathe..its pretty awful but been getting pretty used to it.
I just picked up 2 weeks worth of meds which includes:
0.5mg clonazapam: 28 pills
0.1mg clonidine: 70 pills
300mg gabapentin: 56 pills
I also have (meds I dont take anymore and don't think they have any use in CTB but correct me if im wrong)
pantoprazole magnesium 40mg - 14 pills. (its like a medication to help stomach ulcers and stomach acid)
Ferrous Fumarate 300mg(iron pills) 14 pills
Abilify- 2mg- 14 pills - atypical antipsychotic
Dexedrine( ADHD meds/ stimulant) 15mg - 42 pills plus another bottle with probs about 30? At least.
I would prefer to drown in my bath tub but it isnt that deep. So im willing to / know a beach that I almost tried to drown myself at in 2021.
I also have magnesium capsules about... 80-70 capsules. Has 3 kinds of magnesium and
Per each about:
333mg magnesium l-threonate
230mg magnesium glycinate
210mg magnesium taurate
Melatonin thats 10mg each but is a dual release so 5mg released immediately and 5mg throughout the night.
And I just ordered CBD capsules 50mg - 30 pills.
I also have buspar(buspirone) - 10mg- roughly about 40 pills.
Combining some of these has left me extremely woozy but at "safe doses" I wouldn't want to use my meds unless im sure and such anyway...
I've been struggling to decide what I would use to weigh myself down. I thought of using several journals I have to weigh my backpack down but something about the paper makes me think that is a bad idea.
So looking around.... I'm not sure what I'd have thats heavy and sorta water proof to use to weigh myself down... maybe cleaning product bottles? I'd have to think on that but again my ability to think its very somewhat limited rn.
The other methods I've considered are partial hanging & cutting but ik I cannot do those. Other is finding a decent SN source and yee otherwise method wise kinda fucked.
Night night method seems to be somewhat plausible but I really don't want any method that involves me doing anything to myself violent bc the hesitation would be strong so ig I like drowning bc ik I have enough to knock me out to some degree but... I'm not entirely sure.
I am getting very ready to end my life and I'm a verbal processor so just writing this post cleared up a lil ig.
Brain is likeeee 40-50%/100 and bc I'm not currently resting its getting worse so. I dunno. There's so many ways to fail but I'm also not sure if that's enough to stop me.
With all my hearts of hearts I am ready to go but my brain fog and lack of clearly worked out method is giving me hesitation. As it should be yee.
