Discussion To those who haven't committed yet what are you waiting for?

[BlueWidow]

Right now, I'm mostly waiting for a trigger. I have pretty much everything that I want to do done, or else it's stuff that I've decided I'm going to let other people do after I'm gone. I most likely won't write a goodbye thread because, as I wrote in another post on here, it feels like performing on a stage and just adds to the pressure of what's already a difficult situation. At least it would be for me. You have people pressuring you to tell them how you're feeling and how the SN is affecting you. You may have some people telling you not to do it and others urging you to go ahead with it. I suppose if you're really determined to do it, you could shut all of that out, but I just want to go in a peaceful way and I don't think that's possible while checked in on here, plus I expect to pass out so quickly that I don't know that I would have time to shut my phone off and delete everything before I passed out and I don't want to put the site at risk.
As I said above, most likely there will be a trigger. I expect it either be something that I get in the mail (though I have no clue what that would be) or more likely something that a member of my husband's family does— such as either announcing that they're coming to visit me or that they're planning to drag me to yet another doctor about my thyroid and other health problems. Right now I'm mostly being left alone and I'm okay. I'm not feeling any pressure to go right away, but I'm also ready to go at a moment's notice if I need to. All I need is that trigger that sets everything off. I don't want to be totally panicked when I go, but there's going to have to be some sense of urgency and something pushing me to do it, or I may not be able to do it and succeed. I have to succeed. I've had too many failures in the past and I absolutely need this time to succeed or my life is going to be even more of a hell than it already is.

 

[Lostsoul333]

What you're feeling is valid Blue Widow. You should spend your last moments alone in peace, if that's what you want. This is about you CTB peacefully how YOU want to, not updating anyone on here. This site is for supporting one another, not for making an already emotional day any harder for you. I wish you a peaceful departure from the pain of this world when you feel the time is right. Sending love and support your way.

 

[BlueWidow]

https://www.fsu.edu/news/2006/01/11/deadly.perfection/

I would like to give credit to whoever posted this because somebody posted this on another thread and I copied it for myself, but I went through all the threads and can't find the one where it was posted, so my apologies for not being able to give you credit. If you are the poster please come on here and accept my gratitude—thank you, thank you, thank you! I think we all need to heed this article and practice practice practice, if it's at all possible. This article says the people who succeed are the ones who practice. That's what I'm doing right now. While I'm waiting for my trigger, I'm using table salt in place of SN and I am weighing the salt and measuring the water, etc. Someone on here had suggested a straw, so I thought I would try that and see how it works because the table salt is really salty, so I expect the SN to be the same. I would like to get to a point where I can just measure the salt out and drink it almost on auto pilot without thinking about it. I don't know that I'll ever get to that point exactly, but if I can at least get the measurement part of it and all the prep work to a place where I can practically do it in my sleep, I think when the time comes that's going to make it a lot easier because I won't be worrying that I had the wrong measurements or the wrong amount of water or whatever.
So my advice is, whatever method you've chosen and if it's possible, practice. I realize for some methods it's not possible to practice. Good luck to everyone!

 

[BaronVon]

For my health to deteriorate enough with pain and sickness that i do not want to go on more, i have had a great and eventful life which i am thankful for , but time is closing in and i want to go out on my terms ..

 

[Ghost2211]

to see if my ex will take my kids. If I can raise them I will wait to ctb, but if I lose them I find peace sooner.

 

[voyager]

There you go:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...t-to-get-into-the-right-mindset-to-ctb.29552/

And no, it's not like I spent half an hour looking for that thread when really one just has to copy that fsu.edu link you posted into the search bar and take the second result...

Right now I'm mostly being left alone and I'm okay. I'm not feeling any pressure to go right away, but I'm also ready to go at a moment's notice if I need to. All I need is that trigger that sets everything off. I don't want to be totally panicked when I go, but there's going to have to be some sense of urgency and something pushing me to do it, or I may not be able to do it and succeed. I have to succeed. I've had too many failures in the past and I absolutely need this time to succeed or my life is going to be even more of a hell than it already is.

Same. Although I'm thinking of giving myself a push for that moment sooner or later to avoid more trouble.

 

[Harlar91]

I need to get my affairs in order:

1. Need to research if my life insurance policy covers suicide (I think it does, only after I've had it over 2 years though). I want to confirm this first and I'd rather speak with a professional (I'm obviously not going to tell them what my intentions are)
2. Need to ensure the animals have a place to stay
3. Need to plan funeral arrangements. This is, again, something I've procrastinated on. I want to make sure all arrangements are taken care of for my family and that I'll be cremated instead of some expensive funeral. If it were up to me, I'd have my body thrown in the dumpster and forgotten about /shrug
4. Need to get the nitrogen tank refilled
5. And lastmy, I need to overcome the thoughts that go through my head when I picture my love ones finding my lifeless body. The anguish I would cause my mother, husband, sister, and father. As much pain as I'm in, I still wouldn't be able to put them through such misery. So I'd rather continue living a life of pain, than put them all through all of that.

 

[Deleted member 1768]

I certainly understand that Greybird. Severe chronic pain is mighty and terrible.

 

[Amossoma543]

I'd rather end up a vegetable rather than being depressed. at least then I won't have the mental capacity to be depressed and have all things taken care of.

Same. Unless I found out that being in that state is agonizing, I also would prefer this than to be awake everyday to experience this hellish existence. Constant pain, constant self-loathing, constant anxiety, constant negative thoughts, constant reminders of how miserable life is. I'd love to be in a coma. As long as it's not agonizing. I would hope it would just be unconsciousness.

 

[Thereisnothing]

Good question and one I keep asking myself and cant come up with the answer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[voyager]

Same. Unless I found out that being in that state is agonizing, I also would prefer this than to be awake everyday to experience this hellish existence. Constant pain, constant self-loathing, constant anxiety, constant negative thoughts, constant reminders of how miserable life is. I'd love to be in a coma. As long as it's not agonizing. I would hope it would just be unconsciousness.

Unfortunately, it's not like that. Look at my post #86, the spoiler part I mean. There's good reason most of us here are scared shitless of ending up like that.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...et-what-are-you-waiting-for.29654/post-542473

 

[Amossoma543]

Unfortunately, it's not like that. Look at my post #86, the spoiler part I mean. There's good reason most of us here are scared shitless of ending up like that.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...et-what-are-you-waiting-for.29654/post-542473

Well, it's different for different people. My sister was in a coma after her stroke, and she has no memory of that time.

 

[voyager]

I understand, but assume that some ctb methods have a high chance of playing out identically and a lot of brain damaged people are indeed aware of their situation. But I'm no doctor or prophet, so it's your right to take that chance, but there's probably no harm in minimising the risk.

 

[Amossoma543]

I understand, but assume that some ctb methods have a high chance of playing out identically and a lot of brain damaged people are indeed aware of their situation. But I'm no doctor or prophet, so it's your right to take that chance, but there's probably no harm in minimising the risk.

Agreed. I'm not planning on going into a coma. But I don't fear death or coma. I do fear pain, but what happens after I do whatever it is I do to end my life...I'm willingly taking the risk.