To those in their 40s or older

[Fish Face]

I am 48. I attempted suicide in my teens, not anything that would work because there weren't websites like this then to educate. Nobody knew about. I never said. I have struggled through life, trying to live. I do not feel there is anything left now. I know better now. I am going soon.

 

[itsamadworld]

THis is the un-edited version......I'm 39, rounding up, because I'm closer to 40 than I am to 38 :) When I was in my 22, I had my first REAL attempted suicide. I OD"d on several drugs OTC and prescription. Someone found me- my mom lied to me and said it was my brothers ex, but I know it was my sister... I was transported by ambulance to the ER, my stomach pumped. I was told by that family member, that I was combative and screaming, "Let me die. Why do you torture me!?" So they had to strap me down. And I began vomit, I could see the light because I was watching it from outside my body for a short time. Then a medical person said,," Omg, She's choking! Turn her over." And I flew back into hell. For 2 nights, i was at the hospital, on an IV drip bag and a person who had to stay with me 24/7 on suicide watch. Followed by a 72 mandatory hold in the nut house...OH, and I should add, I attempted suicide again right after I was released....I had insurance med thru my civilian job, but I lost my job after that...I also had a good sized bill....I was in the military at that time, reserves, so I could not let them find out, or i would be discharged. (We know how society judges and crucifies us!). Anyways, I was deployed after that and that was 2 years plus -fulltime....I was hoping to get blow up over there in the middle east..I was a truck driver, female. I picked the most aggressive job I could at the time! Just cuz I've wanted to die since I was 6 years old...I have BPD, but I hid that shit too from all my jobs....I can get thru this fakery, for tomorrow I will CBT...that's the basic mindset i had to have to get me thru! The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've had....I never stopped wanting to die, obviously. Do I wished I had died that day at 22, In most ways, I wish I died......, in some ways no...I am glad I got to be deployed, though..... But overall, Yes, I wish I died.....I just wish I wasn't born...no existence= no suffering. But I guess it's too late now....

 

[frostedreef]

I'm 58. I had lots of issues in my early 20's but the thought of CTB never entered my mind. I felt I still had my whole life ahead of me to make things better. This was in the 80's so definitely another era.

My biggest regret then was dropping out of college. That and a couple more life altering mistakes later on lead to a lonely life. I started thinking CTB at 45 and seriously only 2 years ago.

 

[AcornUnderground]

I'm 41. I never considered ctb until I became physically ill and in chronic pain. Life went from great to total hell last year, almost overnight.

 

[Steve Vermont]

I am now fifty three and I vividly remember when and where I first thought of killing myself: it was in my seventh grade homeroom. So I can say I have been dealing with this for more than four decades now.

Overall, I am glad I have not yet killed myself, when I could have done it and tried to do it so many times. I got to go to so many places, see so many things, love so many people, drink and eat so much good food, play with so many cats... I found successes and failures and the failures were sometimes more fun than the successes.

But.

Even knowing all that and having that forty year perspective, when the mood takes hold of me, NONE of that can get me out of it. Right now, I see every day I don't kill myself as a victory. I hope things will get better and the knowledge on this site assures me that I can do for myself if life ever gets intolerable. I practice a lot and this site is my bedtime reading material at least once a week.

So yeah, it has been worth it to hang on, but no, that doesn't help me hang on when things get bad.

 

[torentrap]

Just being 47 is enough reason to end things. The best is clearly behind me, been like that for 10-12 years at least. And things will continue to get worse as I lose more loved ones. For now, I'm taking it a day at a time for my 8 year old son (and mom's ) sake .

 

[joshe]

You just dont know what life holds in store...Im here,on this site,struggling sometimes,but Im a mutherfucking warrior and will go out as such.

What is the fitting death of a modern warrior? I wonder about this often...