Disclaimer: This is just a vent. Please don't take offense. I'm not trying to offend anyone. It's not directed at anyone in particular. I just need to scream into the void for a bit and get some things that have been swirling in my mind and release them.
There's so much that I wish I could engage with and discuss on this forum and this world but I don't. I feel I can't. I feel like I will just be attacked by some who, I feel, refuse to engage in critical thinking and approach topics with some rationality. I feel that some refuse to have their beliefs questioned. Not just here but in most places in my life where someone disagrees with me. I strive myself to always try and maintain an open mind but I feel I am not always extended the same courtesy. I know I'm not perfect, nor would I ever delude myself into thinking that, but I'm just sad and frustrated. I'm not trying to sit on some high horse, in judgment of others, so I hope you don't take it that way. I'm just venting.
I'll admit, it's always difficult for us here with our various mental afflictions to engage topics with critical thinking and rationality. I struggle with this constantly. And I could seek out a community somewhere else online where I could engage with these discussions. I could find a place to expel all my views and frustrations to the world. However I feel that those places are just echo chambers. I would in effect just be preaching to the choir. Which is validating but functionally useless and therefore pointless. And anywhere else I go I will run into that same problem of myopia from those who disagree with me. I know I don't have all the answers and I willingly accept my views can and should be questioned. But I have no place to let it out without toxicity, irrationality or preaching to the choir, so it just bottles up inside me. I'm not even necessarily sure preaching to the choir is a bad thing. I'm just a mess I guess.
There have been many threads I've wanted to engage with but I stop myself. There have been many threads I've wanted to start but I stop myself. I just want to die, I'm so sick of this world and myself.
I'm not trying to pass judgment on anyone here I'm just venting. I just have no interest in engaging in any kind of discussion that will essentially lead to back and forth attacks and name calling anywhere. I am not free of guilt in this regard myself unfortunately. I'm also not trying to imply that there aren't some genuinely bad actors (in more ways then one) on this forum, as with any online space. Nor am I implying that there aren't good faith actors, or genuinely kind hearted people here. I'm just venting. I'm just so done with everything in my life. I thought this place would at least be somewhat of a sanctuary for me at the end of my life but I've been smacked back to reality again and again. I have also been lifted up at many times and it would be ignorant of me to forget or dismiss this. I was so naive and, quite frankly, unstable when I joined. I probably still am. I suppose my hopes are unrealistic, as with 99% of all the hopes I've had in my life. I just fucking hate it. I'm tired of being alone and broken. I just want out. I'm not looking for a safe space. I'm not looking for an echo chamber to preach to the choir. I'm just looking for a constructive space. I guess ultimately, I'm just looking to die, because I have completely given up on myself and this world. I will never be able to understand either. And I feel tremendous sadness and guilt because of this. I have tremendous sadness for all who join this site genuinely.
I don't know, maybe this is all just something I've built up in my head. It wouldn't be the the first time I've invented imaginary obstacles in my mind and probably won't be the last, until I mercifully die. I truly hate myself more then anything else in this world.
One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing.
Socrates
Vent over. Gonna go smoke and cry silently now. God this all probably sounds so pretentious. I don't know WTF is wrong with me.
PS
If you just want to reply to this thread to attack me, please don't. I'm just trying to vent, not judge you. Release that energy and move on to the next thread. It will be better for both of us to be honest. If you want to criticize me, please do so constructively. I don't even know if I'm looking for feedback, as I've annoyingly and repeatedly stated, I'm just venting.
There's so much that I wish I could engage with and discuss on this forum and this world but I don't. I feel I can't. I feel like I will just be attacked by some who, I feel, refuse to engage in critical thinking and approach topics with some rationality. I feel that some refuse to have their beliefs questioned. Not just here but in most places in my life where someone disagrees with me. I strive myself to always try and maintain an open mind but I feel I am not always extended the same courtesy. I know I'm not perfect, nor would I ever delude myself into thinking that, but I'm just sad and frustrated. I'm not trying to sit on some high horse, in judgment of others, so I hope you don't take it that way. I'm just venting.
I'll admit, it's always difficult for us here with our various mental afflictions to engage topics with critical thinking and rationality. I struggle with this constantly. And I could seek out a community somewhere else online where I could engage with these discussions. I could find a place to expel all my views and frustrations to the world. However I feel that those places are just echo chambers. I would in effect just be preaching to the choir. Which is validating but functionally useless and therefore pointless. And anywhere else I go I will run into that same problem of myopia from those who disagree with me. I know I don't have all the answers and I willingly accept my views can and should be questioned. But I have no place to let it out without toxicity, irrationality or preaching to the choir, so it just bottles up inside me. I'm not even necessarily sure preaching to the choir is a bad thing. I'm just a mess I guess.
There have been many threads I've wanted to engage with but I stop myself. There have been many threads I've wanted to start but I stop myself. I just want to die, I'm so sick of this world and myself.
I'm not trying to pass judgment on anyone here I'm just venting. I just have no interest in engaging in any kind of discussion that will essentially lead to back and forth attacks and name calling anywhere. I am not free of guilt in this regard myself unfortunately. I'm also not trying to imply that there aren't some genuinely bad actors (in more ways then one) on this forum, as with any online space. Nor am I implying that there aren't good faith actors, or genuinely kind hearted people here. I'm just venting. I'm just so done with everything in my life. I thought this place would at least be somewhat of a sanctuary for me at the end of my life but I've been smacked back to reality again and again. I have also been lifted up at many times and it would be ignorant of me to forget or dismiss this. I was so naive and, quite frankly, unstable when I joined. I probably still am. I suppose my hopes are unrealistic, as with 99% of all the hopes I've had in my life. I just fucking hate it. I'm tired of being alone and broken. I just want out. I'm not looking for a safe space. I'm not looking for an echo chamber to preach to the choir. I'm just looking for a constructive space. I guess ultimately, I'm just looking to die, because I have completely given up on myself and this world. I will never be able to understand either. And I feel tremendous sadness and guilt because of this. I have tremendous sadness for all who join this site genuinely.
I don't know, maybe this is all just something I've built up in my head. It wouldn't be the the first time I've invented imaginary obstacles in my mind and probably won't be the last, until I mercifully die. I truly hate myself more then anything else in this world.
One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing.
Socrates
Vent over. Gonna go smoke and cry silently now. God this all probably sounds so pretentious. I don't know WTF is wrong with me.
PS
If you just want to reply to this thread to attack me, please don't. I'm just trying to vent, not judge you. Release that energy and move on to the next thread. It will be better for both of us to be honest. If you want to criticize me, please do so constructively. I don't even know if I'm looking for feedback, as I've annoyingly and repeatedly stated, I'm just venting.
