princeseadove
wannabe angel
- Mar 4, 2025
- 6
I'm writing this absolutely exhausted, and fasting because my parents make me. This will be a thread of just general threads and writings.
I'm going to commit, late May. I'm still in highschool (and an adult!), and I will be graduating very very soon. But, I'm choosing not to.
I don't know how to describe how that makes me, feel. All my life I have been so depressed and suicidal. This last year, I thought I had gotten better, but I was just distracted, I think. Friends left/betrayed me. Now I'm just stuck like this.
I'm a very passionate writer, I like creating original characters, I think that's what kept me alive for so long, another reason being I couldn't find a way to kill myself until now. My writing and my stupidity. I like to create metaphors of my situation, whether it be a relationship or how I am now. And now, I feel as though my heart is hust this. Big shelf. So so big, but it's unstable. It cranks, it sways constantly, it takes up the bulk of my room. There's all sorts of valuables, mu relationships, my love, but it's constantly toppling over and breaking onto the ground.
I have so so many things wrong with me, and one of the last of my love fell over. So now? I'm choosing to isolate myself. Reality is a hellscape, but online is filled with people who are cruel simply because they don't understand. To be seen, is to be loved, and if they can't, than they don't want you. Online is the only "safe space" I have, but it got violated not too long ago, and I don't want to heal with my BPD and Autism, so I'm choosing to die. To isolate myself from the rest of my online friends, and remain here.
———
I have a lot of things to just- talk about? Like my disorders, at school, religion, and what not. My family I'm not sure. I do think though, that I was meant to die now.
Or rather, at the age I am now. A favorite character of mine, passed the way the same age as me. We also share a zodiac sign. My wrists, are also cut. Not intentional however. This one time I was cutting bread fof a school fair, and I was with a couple of friends (not really friends) and I was trying to be involved in the conversation. But, they kept pushing me away. I start to get anxious, and accidentally cut my left wrist. It was bleeding, and as I tried to cover it up I started panicking. Someone moved me elsewhere because some other girls were complaining that I wasn't doing my job correctly. My friends didn't notice I moved, and absolutely no one noticed I cut my wrist. Just recently I started to have a matching set on the right, but from where I do not know. I think in a way, this is God telling me I have to die. I was afraid of death, but believing in a world where my heart can hold and others can hold my heart, in a world where I can show my creations, where I am loved and they love me. Where my environment isnt actively trying to kill me. It makes me happy thinking of that world. I seek salvation, I seek being an angel. I want to be angel. I think I am going through religious psychosis, as, I never was the type. Quite the opposite after so many beatings, but it's getting to me. A salvation, a world where I can be seen. I want to enter a world like that. I want no part of this one. I want to be free, body and soul, and I think if I believe hard enough, maybe it'll come true. Salvation, salvation. That's all I want.
Adding on here. I have a lot of things to just- talk about? Like my disorders, at school, religion, and what not. My family I'm not sure. I do think though, that I was meant to die now.
Or rather, at the age I am now. A favorite character of mine, passed the way the same age as me. We also share a zodiac sign. My wrists, are also cut. Not intentional however. This one time I was cutting bread fof a school fair, and I was with a couple of friends (not really friends) and I was trying to be involved in the conversation. But, they kept pushing me away. I start to get anxious, and accidentally cut my left wrist. It was bleeding, and as I tried to cover it up I started panicking. Someone moved me elsewhere because some other girls were complaining that I wasn't doing my job correctly. My friends didn't notice I moved, and absolutely no one noticed I cut my wrist. Just recently I started to have a matching set on the right, but from where I do not know. I think in a way, this is God telling me I have to die. I was afraid of death, but believing in a world where my heart can hold and others can hold my heart, in a world where I can show my creations, where I am loved and they love me. Where my environment isnt actively trying to kill me. It makes me happy thinking of that world. I seek salvation, I seek being an angel. I want to be angel. I think I am going through religious psychosis, as, I never was the type. Quite the opposite after so many beatings, but it's getting to me. A salvation, a world where I can be seen. I want to enter a world like that. I want no part of this one. I want to be free, body and soul, and I think if I believe hard enough, maybe it'll come true. Salvation, salvation. That's all I want.
I'm going to commit, late May. I'm still in highschool (and an adult!), and I will be graduating very very soon. But, I'm choosing not to.
I don't know how to describe how that makes me, feel. All my life I have been so depressed and suicidal. This last year, I thought I had gotten better, but I was just distracted, I think. Friends left/betrayed me. Now I'm just stuck like this.
I'm a very passionate writer, I like creating original characters, I think that's what kept me alive for so long, another reason being I couldn't find a way to kill myself until now. My writing and my stupidity. I like to create metaphors of my situation, whether it be a relationship or how I am now. And now, I feel as though my heart is hust this. Big shelf. So so big, but it's unstable. It cranks, it sways constantly, it takes up the bulk of my room. There's all sorts of valuables, mu relationships, my love, but it's constantly toppling over and breaking onto the ground.
I have so so many things wrong with me, and one of the last of my love fell over. So now? I'm choosing to isolate myself. Reality is a hellscape, but online is filled with people who are cruel simply because they don't understand. To be seen, is to be loved, and if they can't, than they don't want you. Online is the only "safe space" I have, but it got violated not too long ago, and I don't want to heal with my BPD and Autism, so I'm choosing to die. To isolate myself from the rest of my online friends, and remain here.
———
I have a lot of things to just- talk about? Like my disorders, at school, religion, and what not. My family I'm not sure. I do think though, that I was meant to die now.
Or rather, at the age I am now. A favorite character of mine, passed the way the same age as me. We also share a zodiac sign. My wrists, are also cut. Not intentional however. This one time I was cutting bread fof a school fair, and I was with a couple of friends (not really friends) and I was trying to be involved in the conversation. But, they kept pushing me away. I start to get anxious, and accidentally cut my left wrist. It was bleeding, and as I tried to cover it up I started panicking. Someone moved me elsewhere because some other girls were complaining that I wasn't doing my job correctly. My friends didn't notice I moved, and absolutely no one noticed I cut my wrist. Just recently I started to have a matching set on the right, but from where I do not know. I think in a way, this is God telling me I have to die. I was afraid of death, but believing in a world where my heart can hold and others can hold my heart, in a world where I can show my creations, where I am loved and they love me. Where my environment isnt actively trying to kill me. It makes me happy thinking of that world. I seek salvation, I seek being an angel. I want to be angel. I think I am going through religious psychosis, as, I never was the type. Quite the opposite after so many beatings, but it's getting to me. A salvation, a world where I can be seen. I want to enter a world like that. I want no part of this one. I want to be free, body and soul, and I think if I believe hard enough, maybe it'll come true. Salvation, salvation. That's all I want.
Adding on here. I have a lot of things to just- talk about? Like my disorders, at school, religion, and what not. My family I'm not sure. I do think though, that I was meant to die now.
Or rather, at the age I am now. A favorite character of mine, passed the way the same age as me. We also share a zodiac sign. My wrists, are also cut. Not intentional however. This one time I was cutting bread fof a school fair, and I was with a couple of friends (not really friends) and I was trying to be involved in the conversation. But, they kept pushing me away. I start to get anxious, and accidentally cut my left wrist. It was bleeding, and as I tried to cover it up I started panicking. Someone moved me elsewhere because some other girls were complaining that I wasn't doing my job correctly. My friends didn't notice I moved, and absolutely no one noticed I cut my wrist. Just recently I started to have a matching set on the right, but from where I do not know. I think in a way, this is God telling me I have to die. I was afraid of death, but believing in a world where my heart can hold and others can hold my heart, in a world where I can show my creations, where I am loved and they love me. Where my environment isnt actively trying to kill me. It makes me happy thinking of that world. I seek salvation, I seek being an angel. I want to be angel. I think I am going through religious psychosis, as, I never was the type. Quite the opposite after so many beatings, but it's getting to me. A salvation, a world where I can be seen. I want to enter a world like that. I want no part of this one. I want to be free, body and soul, and I think if I believe hard enough, maybe it'll come true. Salvation, salvation. That's all I want.
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