I'm tired. I know what I could be doing but I no longer have the will to do those things. I was going to be fine. Fantastic! There was literally NO reason holding me back from surviving and scoring well this year. I knew I would be okay. This was not just me telling myself these things, it was an institution. I can't get better. There were no extra chances before and there are as many as there were before now nor am I willing to dilute what little pride I have left any further. I can't live with what has happened and I will have to die a bitter person. I am endlessly bitter because I do not think I ever got to experience the joy of life. I was denied joy by my family early and I can't accept more suffering nor people telling me what they think of me or who they think I am when they haven't the faintest idea who they are in the first place and likely still do not. I hope my death gives the mindless members of the bubble of people that hovered around me till I ceased to exist some pause. Hopefully it will drive a few of these people into levels of existential despair somewhere comparable to what is my existence and make them live the rest of their lives minimising the damage they do to other people, or not, because as long as people remain alive they can choose to care or pretend to, or not.
