Venting tired

[hhh_]

don't mind the way i've formatted this, i'm just incredibly tired. don't know what it is about these few weeks, maybe it's because my birthdays coming soon and even though i really wanted to die when i said thatd be my date, i'm not sure anymore, but even then i still feel the same, just alive rather than dead. i've lost my appetite and i'm so alone and i can't help it because of my anxiety. feels like life really doesn't change because even though ive tried and tried it's still the same. i had practically starved myself the entire day and it started to feel like home. i broke a three month sober streak from cutting and even then nobody noticed. i remember back then i used to want people to notice it all, the way i cut, the way i dropped weight, everything that made me look like an outcast just so someone would at least notice i was struggling, nowadays i still find myself going back to these old habits on my own. i wonder if i stopped trying completely id have enough motivation to die like i did back then