ultimategrandfinal
Hopelessness
- Nov 13, 2023
- 56
I am tired of everyone, I am tired of my family, the abuse I endured and endure daily, the extreme lack of skills needed to live in this world and people telling me "it gets better", "you're almost there don't give up", "everything will soon be over". Those are fucking fairy tales, bullshit. And I'm done hearing bullshit.
I hate myself for everything, I hate the way I talk, the way I move, the way I behave, the way I am, my mind, and on top of everything my body. I hate my body so damn much I'd rather bathe myself in acid or melted lava than water. It's so funny when as of this week I've discovered that 4 people online I've talked to for weeks on end turned out to be either transphobic or similar. Their words were: "that's a mental illness", "that's an identity disorder", "that's a coping mechanism as you don't accept yourself for who you are" and lastly "it doesn't feel natural". My family some years ago tricked me into thinking they were supportive of me until I soon after discovered they were lying, they despise me instead for this. Years over years of being forced to be who others wanted just to please them. I wear "fancy" clothes on "occassions" because that's what people do. But why do I need to restric my clothing to specific stuff that's less comfortable for me when at a restaurant for example with my family, do I need to impress strangers eating past me? Do I need to look good for them? I couldn't care less of the image of me if that's meant to just "blend in". Aspects of society are sometimes just limiting. Forced to have short hair, short nails, no aesthetics whatsoever, stuck with jeans I hate to death and aspects of "my" personality I hate.
I never understood why the suicide rate for transgender people was twice as high until I ended up crying alone in the darkness of the night realising I'll probably never be my true self. Not to mention that even the therapy and allat costs A TON of money, which I don't have. I've always lived and have been shaped after what others want, not what I want. If I had to describe the physical way I feel I'd say that I am a void.
I have suppressed so many sides of me to the point that I no longer know who or what I am. When I look at my skin I feel disgust, when I am in front of a mirror and see my own ugly face I feel physical discomfort and immediately try to look away. I've came to a point that to cope with this I think of myself as a brain controlling a meat shield, not even a body. This isn't my body, this is flesh surrounding me allowing me to move, type this post and eat food.
One was the chance I had to even try a dress, took several minutes and liked it. The feeling I had was like freedom in movement, it was comforting... I envy those with luckier fate than me.
I am incapable of altering my body to feel better, I am afraid of everything in this life and hate how the more I try to trim my hair the more it grows back restlessly, it makes me die inside. Everyone says I look better with a beard, but they don't know that having one also makes me want to die even more. I've only known things that my father had taught me, stuff that won't realistically help me be who I want to be. I learnt that the art of makeup and aesthetics is not something you can just "simply do", it's an art of some sort that you learn and then improve as time goes by. But since "I'm not a lady" I was never taught anything, left in the darkness. What I want to learn I gotta learn on my own, no one is willing to support me with this.
And that isn't even ¼ of what caused me to be depressed. We have family, we have society, we have the mental issues I've developed as the result of both physical and psychological abuse, the betray of my relatives and the hatred towards other people + much more. I'm tired of this shit, ever since I have turned 13 my life from there has been a rollercoaster of hell and it only got worse overtime, it's still getting worse to this day. Someone asked me out of exasperation "do you (even) want a happy life?" to which I replied "no". To be frank, to fix the abomination of my life I either need a miracle or an iron will that I have never had. I don't know what's right anymore, I just fucked up, my life fucked me up and now I'm here.
This is too much for me, too much, and I have no one irl I could cry to begging for ANY type of comforting. I've decided that this isn't a world I wanted to be in, I said I wasn't fit for this world to begin with. I'm not saying that my life will get worse for no reason, I know that a person that can't buy anything alone due to social anxiety preventing me from having a conversation with a worker will not end up far in life. Just be on my own, exploited by an employer and forever alone. I will probably die without knowing what true "love" is; I've never dated anyone in my life, no one has ever said they liked me. But that's probably one of my least worry compared to other concerns. I could go on endlessly to express my sorrow, but I wouldn't know how to continue and which energy to use. I'll see if I can try to CBT before my birthday, even if I lack any useful resources for it I'll try to find a way to make it work. I ended up hating everything around me.
Shall I hear another of my friends say "it'll get better, have faith" I will literally lose it.
I am an insane, psychopathic fucking mess of a human.
I hate myself for everything, I hate the way I talk, the way I move, the way I behave, the way I am, my mind, and on top of everything my body. I hate my body so damn much I'd rather bathe myself in acid or melted lava than water. It's so funny when as of this week I've discovered that 4 people online I've talked to for weeks on end turned out to be either transphobic or similar. Their words were: "that's a mental illness", "that's an identity disorder", "that's a coping mechanism as you don't accept yourself for who you are" and lastly "it doesn't feel natural". My family some years ago tricked me into thinking they were supportive of me until I soon after discovered they were lying, they despise me instead for this. Years over years of being forced to be who others wanted just to please them. I wear "fancy" clothes on "occassions" because that's what people do. But why do I need to restric my clothing to specific stuff that's less comfortable for me when at a restaurant for example with my family, do I need to impress strangers eating past me? Do I need to look good for them? I couldn't care less of the image of me if that's meant to just "blend in". Aspects of society are sometimes just limiting. Forced to have short hair, short nails, no aesthetics whatsoever, stuck with jeans I hate to death and aspects of "my" personality I hate.
I never understood why the suicide rate for transgender people was twice as high until I ended up crying alone in the darkness of the night realising I'll probably never be my true self. Not to mention that even the therapy and allat costs A TON of money, which I don't have. I've always lived and have been shaped after what others want, not what I want. If I had to describe the physical way I feel I'd say that I am a void.
I have suppressed so many sides of me to the point that I no longer know who or what I am. When I look at my skin I feel disgust, when I am in front of a mirror and see my own ugly face I feel physical discomfort and immediately try to look away. I've came to a point that to cope with this I think of myself as a brain controlling a meat shield, not even a body. This isn't my body, this is flesh surrounding me allowing me to move, type this post and eat food.
One was the chance I had to even try a dress, took several minutes and liked it. The feeling I had was like freedom in movement, it was comforting... I envy those with luckier fate than me.
I am incapable of altering my body to feel better, I am afraid of everything in this life and hate how the more I try to trim my hair the more it grows back restlessly, it makes me die inside. Everyone says I look better with a beard, but they don't know that having one also makes me want to die even more. I've only known things that my father had taught me, stuff that won't realistically help me be who I want to be. I learnt that the art of makeup and aesthetics is not something you can just "simply do", it's an art of some sort that you learn and then improve as time goes by. But since "I'm not a lady" I was never taught anything, left in the darkness. What I want to learn I gotta learn on my own, no one is willing to support me with this.
And that isn't even ¼ of what caused me to be depressed. We have family, we have society, we have the mental issues I've developed as the result of both physical and psychological abuse, the betray of my relatives and the hatred towards other people + much more. I'm tired of this shit, ever since I have turned 13 my life from there has been a rollercoaster of hell and it only got worse overtime, it's still getting worse to this day. Someone asked me out of exasperation "do you (even) want a happy life?" to which I replied "no". To be frank, to fix the abomination of my life I either need a miracle or an iron will that I have never had. I don't know what's right anymore, I just fucked up, my life fucked me up and now I'm here.
This is too much for me, too much, and I have no one irl I could cry to begging for ANY type of comforting. I've decided that this isn't a world I wanted to be in, I said I wasn't fit for this world to begin with. I'm not saying that my life will get worse for no reason, I know that a person that can't buy anything alone due to social anxiety preventing me from having a conversation with a worker will not end up far in life. Just be on my own, exploited by an employer and forever alone. I will probably die without knowing what true "love" is; I've never dated anyone in my life, no one has ever said they liked me. But that's probably one of my least worry compared to other concerns. I could go on endlessly to express my sorrow, but I wouldn't know how to continue and which energy to use. I'll see if I can try to CBT before my birthday, even if I lack any useful resources for it I'll try to find a way to make it work. I ended up hating everything around me.
Shall I hear another of my friends say "it'll get better, have faith" I will literally lose it.
I am an insane, psychopathic fucking mess of a human.
