lovelypirategirl
I'm not ok, I'm just good at pretending I am
- Mar 22, 2020
- 38
Hey there dear SS friends,
It's been almost a year since last time I posted something here.
The last part of 2020 was actually pretty cool for me. I was stable and I even felt happy. I finally started to have a boyfriend (one of my huge issues... being single for almost 13 years), I was in a comfort zone (not working and using the covid situation as an excuse for not looking for a job), I got diagnosed with lupus (which explains my extreme fatigue), and well everything seemed right, until February this year.
I started a new job, which set my under too much pressure, I started to have again panic attacks, I started to feel again useless and stupid. I also had an hypomania episode where I started to spend money in random shit, I quit impulsively and applied to tons of new jobs. Then after this I went again to a super depressive mode mixed with anxiety, where I'm stuck at right now.
I feel like a crazy person, I feel so alone, I feel so desperate. I don't want to keep feeling like this, but it seems like if it's a curse... I only had 6 months of stability and the again all the usual shitstorm. I have physicall pain from lupus, hormonal issues due to my PCOS, and all the mental shitshow due to my Bipolar 2 and my adult ADHD.
I'm so jealous of people who don't have as an enemy their minds.
I hate when I express my feelings (specially during a crisis) and the things I only get are "oh don't worry, we all go through ups and downs, you'll be fine", or "you look so normal, there's no way you are bipolar", or "you look so healthy, your mind is just making up those things". I feel so lonely and misunderstood. I just wanna be hugged and safe, I can't stand this anymore.
My whole life I've always paid for psychologists, psychiatrists, medicines, alternative medicine, changing my lifestyle and NOTHING has helped. Am I broken? Can't wait to go CTB.
Actually on Thursday I'm going to the notary to draft my will, and slowly I'm starting to organize all my documents, properties, and assets so there's not a freaking mess for my mom and sister.
It's been almost a year since last time I posted something here.
The last part of 2020 was actually pretty cool for me. I was stable and I even felt happy. I finally started to have a boyfriend (one of my huge issues... being single for almost 13 years), I was in a comfort zone (not working and using the covid situation as an excuse for not looking for a job), I got diagnosed with lupus (which explains my extreme fatigue), and well everything seemed right, until February this year.
I started a new job, which set my under too much pressure, I started to have again panic attacks, I started to feel again useless and stupid. I also had an hypomania episode where I started to spend money in random shit, I quit impulsively and applied to tons of new jobs. Then after this I went again to a super depressive mode mixed with anxiety, where I'm stuck at right now.
I feel like a crazy person, I feel so alone, I feel so desperate. I don't want to keep feeling like this, but it seems like if it's a curse... I only had 6 months of stability and the again all the usual shitstorm. I have physicall pain from lupus, hormonal issues due to my PCOS, and all the mental shitshow due to my Bipolar 2 and my adult ADHD.
I'm so jealous of people who don't have as an enemy their minds.
I hate when I express my feelings (specially during a crisis) and the things I only get are "oh don't worry, we all go through ups and downs, you'll be fine", or "you look so normal, there's no way you are bipolar", or "you look so healthy, your mind is just making up those things". I feel so lonely and misunderstood. I just wanna be hugged and safe, I can't stand this anymore.
My whole life I've always paid for psychologists, psychiatrists, medicines, alternative medicine, changing my lifestyle and NOTHING has helped. Am I broken? Can't wait to go CTB.
Actually on Thursday I'm going to the notary to draft my will, and slowly I'm starting to organize all my documents, properties, and assets so there's not a freaking mess for my mom and sister.
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