Venting Tired of med roulette. I'm just done.

[toofargone6969]

I was very close to CTB when I first joined this site but ironically this site kept me from doing so impulsively, as it has for so many of us. I decided I would try more treatments, more meds, for my families sake. I've basically done everything besides ECT and there's no way I'm going down that road. My anxiety is worse than my depression anyways and I'd like to hold onto what's left of my memory. I tried ketamine therapy, TMS, and every sleeping medicine known to man. Seroquel was the newest try and it gave me RLS in both my legs and arms, didn't get a wink of sleep.

I've been trying new SSRIs the past months (lasted 3 weeks on zoloft, barely a week on lexapro) and I just can't handle the side effects. It blows my mind that you're supposed to "tough it out" and hope you get better when the onboarding makes your conditions worse, much worse. I'm tired. My life is already ruined by 5 months of benzo use and an inexperienced psychiatrist. I just don't want to try anymore. I'm done. The only thing keeping me here is my fear of the methods available to me (SN, hanging) and my shitty SI.

My family and partner are constantly saying I need to do things like exercise and do activities, go outside etc. And that will heal me and fix my severe insomnia and mental/physical issues. I can barely shower much less do all those things. I get 0-2 hours of sleep per night since January. I feel extremely guilty and shitty when they say those things because they just don't understand the depth of my depression and anxiety and physical issues. Insomnia in particular is the worst thing to ever happen to me. Its fucking debilitating.

I really don't want to die, I want my life back, but its just not attainable for me. My body and mind are extremely broken and fucking yoga and a positive mindset aren't going to fix that. I need my suffering to end and I'm tired of putting off the inevitable.

I'm probably going to use SN towards the end of September but god damn am I scared. I can't stand the idea of my last moments being vomiting and feeling like shit but I know if I stay here my life will continue to be torturous.

I know there are others here on the med roulette and trying (sort of) to give life a shot. It would be nice to hear from you if you can relate. This community is the only place I feel safe and will likely be where I spend my final moments.

 

[nostalgia addict]

You could try looking into Nefazodone

 

[Already Gone6]

Hello, I can understand where you are coming from completely. I've been on med roulette for over 6 years now. It's like a carrot on a stick. You hope to get better all the while getting worse. These medications are not easy to tolerate either, I totally get that. The past 3 months i've taken maybe 6 days worth of meds. Even when I force myself to take them I end up hiding them or throwing them away because I just cannot. Tolerate. Them. At all.

As well as taking them has given me high blood pressure and pre diabetes so there's more medication in the mix that I don't take. And i'm only 30 years old.... What the fuck.

Thankfully I found this site. Although with my mental issues it's not easy to come to a decision. 3 months ago I was ready to purchase SN, went off my meds and got a little hope that things would get better. Nope. But I am doing my research and will hopefully figure something out here soon.

 

[toofargone6969]

Hello, I can understand where you are coming from completely. I've been on med roulette for over 6 years now. It's like a carrot on a stick. You hope to get better all the while getting worse. These medications are not easy to tolerate either, I totally get that. The past 3 months i've taken maybe 6 days worth of meds. Even when I force myself to take them I end up hiding them or throwing them away because I just cannot. Tolerate. Them. At all.

As well as taking them has given me high blood pressure and pre diabetes so there's more medication in the mix that I don't take. And i'm only 30 years old.... What the fuck.

Thankfully I found this site. Although with my mental issues it's not easy to come to a decision. 3 months ago I was ready to purchase SN, went off my meds and got a little hope that things would get better. Nope. But I am doing my research and will hopefully figure something out here soon.

Thank you for the support and for understanding. 6 years of trying meds sounds really rough. I wish they worked for us:( some people are just so sensitive.

Yeah its fucked up to have to take more meds for the side effects of the ones meant to help you. Makes no fuckng sense. Modern medicine is retarded.

You could try looking into Nefazodone

I tried trazodone and it didn't do shit for my sleep. I dont think my psych would prescribe nefazodone due to the liver toxicity but thank you for recommending. I'll ask her about it

 

[Already Gone6]

Thank you for the support and for understanding. 6 years of trying meds sounds really rough. I wish they worked for us:( some people are just so sensitive.

Yeah its fucked up to have to take more meds for the side effects of the ones meant to help you. Makes no fuckng sense. Modern medicine is retarded.

I tried trazodone and it didn't do shit for my sleep. I dont think my psych would prescribe nefazodone due to the liver toxicity but thank you for recommending. I'll ask her about it

Yeah it's insane, all they do is make you fat and lethargic. Off isn't any easier, it's been a lot harder probably. Mental illness is bullshit.
I totally feel for you on the insomnia. Insomnia has always been my worst fear even though on or off I sleep totally fine. That must really suck. Sorry.
Have you tried Olanzapine? It's an antipsychotic and highly sedative.

 

[toofargone6969]

Yeah it's insane, all they do is make you fat and lethargic. Off isn't any easier, it's been a lot harder probably. Mental illness is bullshit.
I totally feel for you on the insomnia. Insomnia has always been my worst fear even though on or off I sleep totally fine. That must really suck. Sorry.
Have you tried Olanzapine? It's an antipsychotic and highly sedative.

I haven't but I didn't tolerate seroquel so I would be hesitant to try that one. Even ambien and benzos won't put me to sleep. It doesn't make any sense. I wish for nothing more than natural peaceful rest, no drugs. I'm very glad you don't know this particular hell. Life is hard enough without insomnia.

 

[SVEN]

So sorry you're having to cope with all this. I had terrible reactions to Fluoxetine, so I get how bad these meds can make us feel.
If you're looking for input from folk who're fighting on and hoping for betterment through treatment, maybe posting again in the Recovery section will get more responses from guys still trying to improve.
Best wishes.

 

[toofargone6969]

So sorry you're having to cope with all this. I had terrible reactions to Fluoxetine, so I get how bad these meds can make us feel.
If you're looking for input from folk who're fighting on and hoping for betterment through treatment, maybe posting again in the Recovery section will get more responses from guys still trying to improve.
Best wishes.

Same. I took fluoxetine as a teenager and it made me attempt suicide within 4 days. Horrible experience.
That's a good idea maybe i will repost there. I think i may be done trying to improve though. I'm very close to giving up and CTB unfortunately

 

[SVEN]

The time comes when you just get weary of trying. However this all works out, every good wish for success either way.