redisblue
"cut me clean, till i can't think anymore."
- Feb 12, 2023
- 135
I've been dreading college since Friday, which was the last time I was there. I go on Tuesdays and Fridays (so it isn't a lot) yet I don't want to go anymore. I used to enjoy it; it got me out of the house, I mostly enjoyed what I was doing and most of the people were alright. Now, everytime I go, it feels like I'm not doing anything, because I'm not. We're never set any work so what's the point going? I don't enjoy it anymore. The people don't talk to me, especially recent. I had an argument with that guy who dumped all his problems on me then dipped (we were friends and there was more to it but he made some nasty comments so I'm not too upset). We made up eventually but he won't speak to me. Nobody speaks to me. They all leave me out. What's the point in going to college if we don't do anything? What's the point in being here in general? I don't do anything. I stay in my bed and stare at the wall for hours. I just want to be okay. I felt okay last week. I had hope last week - I still do but I'm slowly getting close to the edge again. I woke up and felt myself back in that dark space that I've been in for so long. I want to leave this course so badly, but I can't, if I want some chance at a future I have to stay, even though this place makes me fucking miserable. I wish death was easier. I wish I could just pull the plug and be done with all of this. It's not my time yet, but sometimes when I have the motivation to CTB, I wish I just had the resources to get it over and done with before I think twice about it again. Everyday just feels the same, the days are passing by so quickly yet I feel I haven't and can't make any progress in my life. I feel incredibly numb but also all the emotions possible at once. I'm sick of having depression. I want it so stop. I do want to heal but I feel that I can't. I'm trying so hard, I promise I really am. Maybe I'm just having a bad day; maybe it's because I'm in college and don't want to be. Anyways, this vent was a random explosion of feelings, but I just needed to let it all out somewhere.