Discussion Tips for helping differentiate between altruism and straight up people pleasing

[KuroiSH]

I'm an altruistic person, which means i genuinely like to help others, but oftentimes it feels like I'm doing too much in exchange for too little return (people pleasing), akin to obsession.

This is one of the hardest things ever for me. My negativity rubbed off on some friends, and they ditched me, despite me telling them multiple times that they could be totally honest with me.

I know it's not okay to trauma dump but like, yknow. I did tell them to be honest with me. Also, when I sent them messages where I apologized for my past behaviors, they completely ignored them. They're still on delivered. They also live very far so it's not like I could talk to them in person, and even if I could, they'd avoid me like the black plague.

It's very worrying for me, as I was trying to do as well as I could, and they gave me the ok on venting, yet things still ended up as they did. I know not everything can be perfect but I strived for a genuine friendship where we could depend on each other and stuff. It's the first time I had ever made friends, so I guess it was to be expected, but it still blows.

It's genuinely really hard for me to know when I'm being a kind and helpful person and when I'm just obsessively people pleasing. I feel like that may have been one of the key factors in our falling out. Solo healing has been really wack, so I came here, since there's a lot of people with different experiences.

Any pointers would be highly appreciated.

 

[OCDsufferer]

Unfortunately it is true lots of people say they are open to hearing venting but in truth they mean you complaining work/school is stressful and no more than that. I have been in the exact same situation.

Regarding the people pleasing vs altruism, I do believe them to be sort of a venn diagram, there are some things that you can do that will end up being both altruistic and people pleasing and if the other persons best interest is on your mind, I don't believe the difference matters much. People pleasing only becomes an issue when it's all you do, when you go out of your way to do so even when it hurts you and when you keep offering your help even when it's seemingly not needed and advice would just be enough. Everything in excess is bad so you have to count how many times you have chosen yourself over others and how many times you've just jumped to help the person without them even asking. In the end, just like every other behaviour, we'd really have to analyze this on a case basis and only you can do that.

 

[Linda]

I'm an altruistic person, which means i genuinely like to help others, but oftentimes it feels like I'm doing too much in exchange for too little return (people pleasing), akin to obsession.

This is one of the hardest things ever for me. My negativity rubbed off on some friends, and they ditched me, despite me telling them multiple times that they could be totally honest with me.

I know it's not okay to trauma dump but like, yknow. I did tell them to be honest with me. Also, when I sent them messages where I apologized for my past behaviors, they completely ignored them. They're still on delivered. They also live very far so it's not like I could talk to them in person, and even if I could, they'd avoid me like the black plague.

It's very worrying for me, as I was trying to do as well as I could, and they gave me the ok on venting, yet things still ended up as they did. I know not everything can be perfect but I strived for a genuine friendship where we could depend on each other and stuff. It's the first time I had ever made friends, so I guess it was to be expected, but it still blows.

It's genuinely really hard for me to know when I'm being a kind and helpful person and when I'm just obsessively people pleasing. I feel like that may have been one of the key factors in our falling out. Solo healing has been really wack, so I came here, since there's a lot of people with different experiences.

Any pointers would be highly appreciated.

They are certainly different, but the more I thought about it the harder I found it to put the difference in words. So I discussed it with my husband, and between us we came up with a few ideas. Other people may or may not agree.
People pleasing is something immediate. You do it for a particular person, at a particular time, in the hope of makng that person feel good. People-pleasing may not incur any cost for you, other than the trivial cost of making a little effort.
Altruism is on a broader, some might say higher, scale. You may not necessarily have a particular person in mind. You may not expect to make anyone feel good in the short term. (For example, someone who gave up a high paying job to take a lower paying job that was likely to develop some new cure for people suffering from some particular disease would be acting altruistically.) Altruism may well incur some cost for you.
I think what you are doing is people-pleasing. There's nothing wrong with that, in moderate amounts, but don't take it to excess.

 

[soulkitty]

I'm honestly in the same boat, a very similar thing happened to me with my friends. They gave you the ok on venting so it's really not your fault please remember that, even if it feels that way, I've been trying to learn that as well True friends will stick with you through all of your phases and won't ditch you like that. I'm really sorry you've had to go through that, it can be so painful. Especially when they didn't even give you a chance to talk about it and work through it. I have a very hard time telling if I'm being altruistic vs. people pleasing as well, it can be so hard to distinguish. When it comes to people my brain can get really fuzzy and I usually feel like a horrible person even if something isint my fault, and I can't tell when I'm being treated like shit or not. I also tend to be super self sacrificing which can be damaging to me, I put other peoples needs way above my own

I think people pleasing is akin to being self sacrificing in a way. I think a good way to tell if you're being people pleasing is if you're doing something for other people that isint upholding your own boundaries, or hurting you for the sake of that person. For example I used to be very paranoid about how long I take to respond to messages because I was worried the other person would feel bad, that I'm ignoring them or that they would be angry with me. but I'm trying to learn it's okay to go at my own pace and have boundaries, and if the other person gets angry at me that it wouldn't be my fault. There's probably way better examples but I can't think of any right now ;w;

Just know that you did your best, and they may have not been meant to be your friends. Sometimes it takes a long time to find people who are willing to stick by you and that you can form a beautiful friendship with. I feel that you will find those people one day so don't give up It's important to take care of yourself and put yourself first sometimes, as difficult as that can be. Especially when all you want is to see people happy and take care of them. I don't know if this reply will help you at all, but I just really wanted to respond because I can relate a lot

 

[Life_and_Death]

personal opinion, ive never really considered myself a people pleaser, but i do like to be nice to others (within reason) but if its taking a mental wear on you, causing you stress, then its not healthy for you and probably people pleasing.

 

[KuroiSH]

Unfortunately it is true lots of people say they are open to hearing venting but in truth they mean you complaining work/school is stressful and no more than that. I have been in the exact same situation.

Regarding the people pleasing vs altruism, I do believe them to be sort of a venn diagram, there are some things that you can do that will end up being both altruistic and people pleasing and if the other persons best interest is on your mind, I don't believe the difference matters much. People pleasing only becomes an issue when it's all you do, when you go out of your way to do so even when it hurts you and when you keep offering your help even when it's seemingly not needed and advice would just be enough. Everything in excess is bad so you have to count how many times you have chosen yourself over others and how many times you've just jumped to help the person without them even asking. In the end, just like every other behaviour, we'd really have to analyze this on a case basis and only you can do that.

Very helpful, honestly. I honestly can't remember the last time I chose myself over someone else, and that might really be bad.

They are certainly different, but the more I thought about it the harder I found it to put the difference in words. So I discussed it with my husband, and between us we came up with a few ideas. Other people may or may not agree.
People pleasing is something immediate. You do it for a particular person, at a particular time, in the hope of makng that person feel good. People-pleasing may not incur any cost for you, other than the trivial cost of making a little effort.
Altruism is on a broader, some might say higher, scale. You may not necessarily have a particular person in mind. You may not expect to make anyone feel good in the short term. (For example, someone who gave up a high paying job to take a lower paying job that was likely to develop some new cure for people suffering from some particular disease would be acting altruistically.) Altruism may well incur some cost for you.
I think what you are doing is people-pleasing. There's nothing wrong with that, in moderate amounts, but don't take it to excess.

I think so too... which is why I think I have lots to improve, since I can't sacrifice so much of myself that I'm left with nothing.

I'm honestly in the same boat, a very similar thing happened to me with my friends. They gave you the ok on venting so it's really not your fault please remember that, even if it feels that way, I've been trying to learn that as well True friends will stick with you through all of your phases and won't ditch you like that. I'm really sorry you've had to go through that, it can be so painful. Especially when they didn't even give you a chance to talk about it and work through it. I have a very hard time telling if I'm being altruistic vs. people pleasing as well, it can be so hard to distinguish. When it comes to people my brain can get really fuzzy and I usually feel like a horrible person even if something isint my fault, and I can't tell when I'm being treated like shit or not. I also tend to be super self sacrificing which can be damaging to me, I put other peoples needs way above my own

I think people pleasing is akin to being self sacrificing in a way. I think a good way to tell if you're being people pleasing is if you're doing something for other people that isint upholding your own boundaries, or hurting you for the sake of that person. For example I used to be very paranoid about how long I take to respond to messages because I was worried the other person would feel bad, that I'm ignoring them or that they would be angry with me. but I'm trying to learn it's okay to go at my own pace and have boundaries, and if the other person gets angry at me that it wouldn't be my fault. There's probably way better examples but I can't think of any right now ;w;

Just know that you did your best, and they may have not been meant to be your friends. Sometimes it takes a long time to find people who are willing to stick by you and that you can form a beautiful friendship with. I feel that you will find those people one day so don't give up It's important to take care of yourself and put yourself first sometimes, as difficult as that can be. Especially when all you want is to see people happy and take care of them. I don't know if this reply will help you at all, but I just really wanted to respond because I can relate a lot

It really helped as well, don't worry. I take my personal values very seriously, though. I don't care if it's God, if he even does exist, asking me for something, if it doesn't uphold my boundaries/values, then he'll just have to suck it up and look for someone else. I really do wonder if I did my best... I'll keep putting myself first sometimes in mind, as hard as that sounds. Thank you for replying.

personal opinion, ive never really considered myself a people pleaser, but i do like to be nice to others (within reason) but if its taking a mental wear on you, causing you stress, then its not healthy for you and probably people pleasing.

Good, simple way to summarize it....