Venting Time seems to be going by so slow now that I’m ready to ctb

[BlueButterfly111]

Waiting on my sn to arrive and hoping that everything goes well. But time seems to go by so slow now that I decided to ctb. That's how I know that I'm really ready to die. I'm beyond tired of having to interact with people as an autistic person. It kinda feels like I'm just living on borrowed time right now. There's really nothing to do, even though there's plenty of things that I could be doing in my last days, but I don't even feel motivated to do them. What I've mostly been doing is daydreaming about my dead boyfriend. I daydream about what it was like to be with him, how his hands felt on my skin. Just so many things, it's not worth living without his love, I miss him so much. Just a random vent I guess. I'm trying to enjoy my last few days/weeks, but I'm finding it hard to be motivated to do anything that I want to do.

 

[L'absent]

I understand how heartbreaking it is to long to reunite with the one you loved, to cross that uncertain boundary between presence and absence, hoping to find again the caresses, the embraces, and the kisses that time has taken away. I feel the weight of what you are going through, the pull of a love that never faded, that still echoes in your heart, relentless and unbroken.
I know that the love you lived was real, that it truly existed, and it became such an essential part of your life that it cannot be erased, nor reduced to a fading memory. It is within you, in the way you loved, in the way you suffered, in the way you still feel that presence even in its absence.
You don't have to do anything; you don't have to rush to follow a thought born from pain. I know that when we lose something immense, every moment feels suspended, like an endless waiting. But perhaps now the ocean is calm. Perhaps, in this silence, you can feel that your love has not disappeared, because it still lives within you, in everything you have been and still are.

 

[BlueButterfly111]

I understand how heartbreaking it is to long to reunite with the one you loved, to cross that uncertain boundary between presence and absence, hoping to find again the caresses, the embraces, and the kisses that time has taken away. I feel the weight of what you are going through, the pull of a love that never faded, that still echoes in your heart, relentless and unbroken.
I know that the love you lived was real, that it truly existed, and it became such an essential part of your life that it cannot be erased, nor reduced to a fading memory. It is within you, in the way you loved, in the way you suffered, in the way you still feel that presence even in its absence.
You don't have to do anything; you don't have to rush to follow a thought born from pain. I know that when we lose something immense, every moment feels suspended, like an endless waiting. But perhaps now the ocean is calm. Perhaps, in this silence, you can feel that your love has not disappeared, because it still lives within you, in everything you have been and still are.

Wow, you write so beautifully. I know I've said it before, but seriously every time I've seen your words they are always so poetic. Thank you so much.