Time is running out

[Iwantoutrightnow]

With lockdown rules starting to ease my flatmate will likely be returning soon so my time ctb is running out. I've had nearly 8 weeks and have put it off. As I have said before I'm worried for the person who finds me. If my body is undiscovered for weeks the decomposition/flies etc won't be nice for them, it's not going to be nice for them anyway I know. But now that she might get back soon I have to make a decision soon. If she comes back soon after I ctb it should be less messy but I still don't want it to be her that finds me. If I can get partial right I can do it in a locked room and put a note on the door saying my dead body is inside and not to open the door. If I can't I will have to do full and it won't be possible to hide my body or place a warning anywhere.

I'm still thinking about people's reactions but not as much. I feel calmer about it all today than before. I won't be here to know how people react, their anger and annoyance won't reach me so it really doesn't matter. In the past I have had rules - I must have had a shower, my legs must be waxed, can't be that time of the month, flat must be spotlessly clean but none of that actually matters.

I've heard that the only thing in life you can control is your response to life. I've tried being positive, thinking that there's a possibility that life will get better if I just try my hardest.Well I have tried my hardest and nothing has got better. Death might not be the end to suffering but it might and there is no end to in sight in life so I have nothing to lose.

In therapy they said that if there's anything in life that you will miss then you don't really want to die. I like looking up at the stars at night but only because when I do I dream of being up there as a particle among the stars just floating, not feeling or thinking. I think I'm ready, I just hope it works

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

UK - England. They aren't completely eased but they are starting to be eased. We are allowed out for unlimited exercise, we can travel to the beach or a forest or somewhere for exercise, people can go to work if they can't work from home, so I don't think it will be too long before she's able to come back.

 

[Meowkin]

Whatever you choose is what's best for you. Whether you end up ctbing or not, I wish you peace. It's no life when your main concern is how to end it.

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

Thanks. I only really hung on because of guilt. The psychiatrist going on about how it will affect my family -well lets look at that: my mum is dead, I don't have contact with my dad because he hates me, the last time I spoke to my brother was July for less than a minute because he was away for work and said he would call when he got home and never did and before that was probably a good 12 months, my aunt and uncle who live near me I see/speak to sporadically and the rest of my family don't speak to me. They have no right to be angry or upset because I don't feature in their lives really. I'm done doing things to spare the feelings of others, it's time to do what's right for me

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

I tried partial again but obviously failed. Didn't go dizzy, eyes weren't pressured and head didn't feel like it was going to explode. It was just uncomfortable. I have a mark on my neck so it was tight. I don't know what I'm doing wrong