Thread for random vents/stories

[nikdiedtoday]

okay so i saw someone else make a thread simply for just vents and i think ill use this thread for that. i don't wanna clog the timeline lol. im new to this forum/forums in general so give me a break. anywayyyy. had another weird dream where i couldn't breathe last night. i drew some shit today and i think its coming out cool so thats a positive. a while ago when the shit going on in my life first started consuming everything i do i started making video diaries to document it and shit but stopped for a few reasons one being my inability to keep a phone these days (lol) but id just talk about my days and shit going on and how i was coping with it all.id also try an list any positives that happened that day no matter how small. thats where ''talk soon talk soon'' come from cuz id always say that at the end of my 5,10,40 min videos. id make like alot of them per day cuz 9/10 some strange shit was always happening. it still is but its mostly normalized to me now and im slowly starting to understand the patterns and cycles. anyway my point is i think ill use this as my new way of venting and shit because maybe im just dumb but i think it was helping. i dont have anywhere else to run to yk? currently thinking about the fact that every time i think even for a second maybe i don't HAVE to go out like this the next second something proves to me otherwise. every time i think ive done it right or got it figured out im wrong. i do think SOME of whats happening IS just mental illness and the rest is real life shit making that mental illness 1007987437199 times worse (purposefully)im in a cycle that feels like it will never end. maybe if i give it one last go you know? be more authentic to myself stand my ground do the hard thing instead of keeping the worms at bay. stand up for what i believe for whats right i can at least die saying i tried to fight for my life best i knew how i tried to make thing right and i didnt just lay down and become someone im not. i want to die being me i want to die being me i want to die being me i want to die still being me. is that better then dying someone i dont recognize but at least still having someone who would lie and say they loved me? do i say fuck it burn all the bridges start from scratch pull myself out the dirt and maybe come out on the other side? i want to do that im just terrified. right now overall shes happy shes got everything she wants needs and im there for her however and whenever i need to be and so is everyone else for the most part. im worried if i burn bridges everything will change for her and ill die not being able to be in her life the way i am now because if im honest about everything they will use any and everything against me and take her from me. and then maybe shell only remember me as the mess everyone says and thinks i am. theres no way to do both either i live in a lie, it consumes me and i die because of it or i could live in truth and lose everything and also die because of it. or i just die and pretend none of it matters to me even though it does. or i just keep going in this cycle forever but im so sick of never moving forward and if i do move forward it takes months sometimes years to even take another step. maybe my issue is i want my cake and eat it too. at the end of the day its not about me anymore or what i need or want its about her and i know that im okay with that mostly. its about whats best for her but i cant decide what IS best for her. if i keep living this way im worried about the person ill become. if i dont live this way im afraid of what others will become. i need a sure way of knowing shell be happy and protected. if i had that id be gone already and everything would be simple. i cant take the thought of her thinking i just gave up on her. i dont ever want her to know what im going through but i want her to understand id never leave if i didnt HAVE to. ever. when im doing any and everything all these thoughts consume me and my actions only ever change slightly and then the thinking cycle starts again. im just lost and not sure what to do. i know i have to do it all myself and i know im the only person i have to lean on but thats not worth much since idk...IM THE ONE WHO GOT ME IN THIS SITUATION TO BEGIN WITH. im getting older. the entire world is moving i dont know how to keep up i dont know if i even want to. how do i survive this?
talk soon talk soon<3