thoughts while nearing the end

[ArchmagePrincess]

It was a lot of hard work and patience but I think by the end of this week I'll finally have enough money to assemble everything I need to CTB quite comfortably. This world is completely absurd having me go through all this effort and suffering just to leave it. It's a shame, in some ways I feel like there are nice things about living, I've felt loved, I've enjoyed art, I've felt companionship, I've laughed, and as it stands now even the joys of feeling those things don't outweigh the emotional and physical cost of living in a world where I have to work 3 jobs where everyone treats me like dirt to barely scrape by.

I was born into abuse and poverty and I even got a short-lived chance to escape that life. I lived with someone wealthy worked as a stay at home wife, was loved, and have all my needs effectively met. And yet I didn't find myself enjoying living, even just being human and existing without the anchor of being poor and mistreated is difficult enough on its own to live day to day. So after getting a taste of the "good life" not finding it enough to continue living, then being thrown back into working until I'm too tired to do anything else really opened my eyes to what I thought about the nature of life.

All the professionals I've talked to have shown me closed-minded and rather stupid views on life and the process of "getting better," while claiming to be the intelligent professionals and call people like us mentally ill. But the more I consider this, it just seems like the rational choice for me. I'm not being impulsive, delusional, or unrealistic despite them wanting me to feel like I'm all those things. When I read many posts on here they rarely ever come off to me as the deranged and depressed lunatics mental health professionals tell me they must be. I see very human emotions and experiences, I see understanding, intelligence, and wisdom. They just can't face the reality that for some people life is not really worth the effort, and that it's not for everyone.

I don't want to fight for my own survival anymore, I don't want to chase the idea of stable joy and fulfilment I'll never quite reach. I want to return to the nothingness I was a part of before I was born, and I will be at peace again. This battle is one I refuse to fight anymore.

 

[FuneralCry]

Your feelings of wishing to be free from everything are understandable. The thought of permanently ceasing to exist sounds ideal to me as well. It's true that life is not for everyone, nobody should be expected to continue to endure a life that they hate against their wishes, it isn't like we asked to be here in the first place. I see no point to enduring endless suffering for decades on end just to die anyway, all those people who see suicide as always being irrational are the ones who are deluded.
I wish you freedom.

 

[Nirrend]

It was a lot of hard work and patience but I think by the end of this week I'll finally have enough money to assemble everything I need to CTB quite comfortably. This world is completely absurd having me go through all this effort and suffering just to leave it. It's a shame, in some ways I feel like there are nice things about living, I've felt loved, I've enjoyed art, I've felt companionship, I've laughed, and as it stands now even the joys of feeling those things don't outweigh the emotional and physical cost of living in a world where I have to work 3 jobs where everyone treats me like dirt to barely scrape by.

I was born into abuse and poverty and I even got a short-lived chance to escape that life. I lived with someone wealthy worked as a stay at home wife, was loved, and have all my needs effectively met. And yet I didn't find myself enjoying living, even just being human and existing without the anchor of being poor and mistreated is difficult enough on its own to live day to day. So after getting a taste of the "good life" not finding it enough to continue living, then being thrown back into working until I'm too tired to do anything else really opened my eyes to what I thought about the nature of life.

All the professionals I've talked to have shown me closed-minded and rather stupid views on life and the process of "getting better," while claiming to be the intelligent professionals and call people like us mentally ill. But the more I consider this, it just seems like the rational choice for me. I'm not being impulsive, delusional, or unrealistic despite them wanting me to feel like I'm all those things. When I read many posts on here they rarely ever come off to me as the deranged and depressed lunatics mental health professionals tell me they must be. I see very human emotions and experiences, I see understanding, intelligence, and wisdom. They just can't face the reality that for some people life is not really worth the effort, and that it's not for everyone.

I don't want to fight for my own survival anymore, I don't want to chase the idea of stable joy and fulfilment I'll never quite reach. I want to return to the nothingness I was a part of before I was born, and I will be at peace again. This battle is one I refuse to fight anymore.

Your story is sad... I'm really sorry, in this forum, there's a lot of tragic and awful stories..

You're courageous and your pain is totally understandable ❤

For me, every departure here is tragic but.. I prefer to see people in peace than living in pain.

Whatever you decide, I hope you'll find peace and happiness,

You truely deserve love ❤

Sending love ❤

 

[klm]

It was a lot of hard work and patience but I think by the end of this week I'll finally have enough money to assemble everything I need to CTB quite comfortably. This world is completely absurd having me go through all this effort and suffering just to leave it. It's a shame, in some ways I feel like there are nice things about living, I've felt loved, I've enjoyed art, I've felt companionship, I've laughed, and as it stands now even the joys of feeling those things don't outweigh the emotional and physical cost of living in a world where I have to work 3 jobs where everyone treats me like dirt to barely scrape by.

I was born into abuse and poverty and I even got a short-lived chance to escape that life. I lived with someone wealthy worked as a stay at home wife, was loved, and have all my needs effectively met. And yet I didn't find myself enjoying living, even just being human and existing without the anchor of being poor and mistreated is difficult enough on its own to live day to day. So after getting a taste of the "good life" not finding it enough to continue living, then being thrown back into working until I'm too tired to do anything else really opened my eyes to what I thought about the nature of life.

All the professionals I've talked to have shown me closed-minded and rather stupid views on life and the process of "getting better," while claiming to be the intelligent professionals and call people like us mentally ill. But the more I consider this, it just seems like the rational choice for me. I'm not being impulsive, delusional, or unrealistic despite them wanting me to feel like I'm all those things. When I read many posts on here they rarely ever come off to me as the deranged and depressed lunatics mental health professionals tell me they must be. I see very human emotions and experiences, I see understanding, intelligence, and wisdom. They just can't face the reality that for some people life is not really worth the effort, and that it's not for everyone.

I don't want to fight for my own survival anymore, I don't want to chase the idea of stable joy and fulfilment I'll never quite reach. I want to return to the nothingness I was a part of before I was born, and I will be at peace again. This battle is one I refuse to fight anymore.

This was written beautifully, I can relate with nearing the end as I'm close aswell, the biggest thing for me is the fear of the unknown that I think about, it puts a strong fear in me which increases my SI, you're post was very intriguing to see through perspective wise, nonetheless I really wish you didnt feel so much pain, i wish nobody did, and I do hope you could possibly find a way or path to make it all better for yourself but i know when the feelings get this painful and intense and its nonstop all you want is a way out, I understand the pain, so I also understand wanting to ctb

All the love with whatever decisions you decide to make <3

 

[leeloosnow]

This is a big reason y I wanna ctb. My plans are mostly in place, waiting on one component and last day thoughts. Reading your thoughts, there's a point where options are exhausted and i'm exhausted. This thought is coming from my "rational brain", knowing that I've experienced a lot, that as I continue to age, and prospect for contentment dwindles, I'll experience more loss and suffering. I think about what I do like, good things I could still do in this world for other beings, and it tells me to stay, try something else. It's, as you say a matter of suffering v joy. If there's more joy, I wouldn't want to ctb. More suffering, I do. I'm glad you had good experiences, and ability to weigh things out as it matters to you. I just hate it is this way for an increasing number of us
Big hugs