Venting Thoughts pre ctb

[clavicals]

I'm planning to ctb in a months time on my birthday. I'm going to do partial hanging.

It's interesting seeing the world knowing it's going to end soon. I'm seeing my friends and trying to help them as much as I can. Listening to them and what they need to see what I can leave behind to who for what would help them out most.

It sucks because I know it's gonna hurt them so much but no one can understand the pain and constant confusion of being autistic and growing up isolated as an only child and a mother who used you for her own gain. People can't relate to that shit.

I'm going out knowing that I've given it my absolute best shot. I've spent the past 10 years dedicating my life to self help and therapy doing my best to understand myself and psychology but it makes things more complicated in the end. I went back to intensive therapy last year in an attempt to save myself but my current therapist doesn't know what to do with me and thinks I'm lying about the things I tell her.

I want to be able to support myself but my inability to socialise and understand context prohibits that. Business is 80% relationships so how can I do something I enjoy. I have no life skills like driving bc my mother kept me so sheltered and I've been surviving for so long since getting away from her I'm now in a hole I can't get myself out of bc I'm an adult with no supports at all.

I'm mostly upset about the pigeons I saved bc they're going to starve again without me there and will probably get abused bc I allowed them in my apartment.

I'm ready to ctb, I want to start life over again and get the hell out of here.

 

[Penguin44]

I'm sorry for everything you've been through. You deserve better.

 

[BornHated]

You said "people can't relate to that shit," but it hit me straight in the heart because everything you've said I relate to. I sure relate

I wish I could offer solutions but I... really don't have anything. We're in the exact same spot for at least 90% of the exact same reasons. I honestly feel like a weird animal raised in captivity that won't make it out when released into the wilderness.

I've been contemplating what things I can do that won't require advanced business-smarmy fake-hoe socializing with competitive coworkers. It's hard because I don't really have any support that can help me brainstorm ideas, either.

Idk, you didn't give that many details but I'd light a candle in your honor in a month. It's tragic to be born to mediocre parents, but double tragic to be there with developmental issues that make it almost impossible to forge the connections you need. Making out in the world alone is rough.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's really understandable just wishing to finally be free from all the suffering, I wish you the best with your plans, it's so horrible how people suffer so much all through no fault of their own, it's such a dreadful existence.