I just want to talk about some stuff here I haven't been able to say to anyone else.
~2 years ago my friend killed herself. I think the worst part was the suddenness of the whole thing. It wouldn't have been so bad if I had just been able to see her one last time. If I stopped procrastinating on reaching out to her then I would have had one last day with her. "I would have loved to have just one more day"
Shortly after she died I had this strong conviction that if I killed myself the same way (hanging) I'd be able to see her again. Sometimes I still feel that way. I'm not religious but I can't stand the idea that I'll never see her again. I hope she doesn't forget me, wherever she is. That's one of my fears, that I'll find her but she won't remember me. Or I'll forget about her as I get older. "Take me with you, take me with you / Let me follow"
For a while after she died, my suicidal thoughts completely went away bc I couldn't imagine inflicting that pain on my friends and family. I hoped it would work forever, but of course after a while they came back. And mixed in with all the grief and anger and other emotions, I also felt envy and hope. I was jealous that she had actually managed to kill herself. And I felt hopeful because it proved to me that I could do it too. It was more than a fantasy now, or a way to comfort myself, it's something I can actually make a reality. "I wanna be gone like you, but I'm so scared to say it"
~2 years ago my friend killed herself. I think the worst part was the suddenness of the whole thing. It wouldn't have been so bad if I had just been able to see her one last time. If I stopped procrastinating on reaching out to her then I would have had one last day with her. "I would have loved to have just one more day"
Shortly after she died I had this strong conviction that if I killed myself the same way (hanging) I'd be able to see her again. Sometimes I still feel that way. I'm not religious but I can't stand the idea that I'll never see her again. I hope she doesn't forget me, wherever she is. That's one of my fears, that I'll find her but she won't remember me. Or I'll forget about her as I get older. "Take me with you, take me with you / Let me follow"
For a while after she died, my suicidal thoughts completely went away bc I couldn't imagine inflicting that pain on my friends and family. I hoped it would work forever, but of course after a while they came back. And mixed in with all the grief and anger and other emotions, I also felt envy and hope. I was jealous that she had actually managed to kill herself. And I felt hopeful because it proved to me that I could do it too. It was more than a fantasy now, or a way to comfort myself, it's something I can actually make a reality. "I wanna be gone like you, but I'm so scared to say it"
