Thoughts of the way my life used to be before my disorder are haunting me

[Desdemona]

My life basically changed overnight and due to stress and inactivity I've developed even more health issues on top of that. I'm only 26 and essentially housebound and can't even enjoy the comfort of my own home because I get no relief here either

Life wasn't perfect but did have it's good moments and all of my old memories are constantly playing over and over in my head. The things I used to be able to do, my old apartment, city life, doing fun things and traveling and having my whole life ahead of me

Now I just try to survive each day and hope that sleep brings me a bit of relief. I'm genuinely upset whenever I wake up. Anyone else relate? I feel like a completely different person now and like nothing matters anymore. I've never felt so low and my life seriously feels like a nightmare. You know how when you wake up from a bad dream and you're relieved it all wasn't real? I feel like my dreams are my real life and my life is the nightmare but I don't get to wake up

I'm too scared to actually pull the plug but I just don't know how long I can live like this

 

[blahblahhh]

I love sleeping. It's such a beautiful escape. I relate to everything you said. You're not alone. At all!

 

[thundercat]

I feel your pain. I just try to make it through every day and I try to sleep more often so I can escape somehow. Not much matters to me anymore.

 

[NodusTollens]

I understand where you're coming from, and I'm sorry you're in so much pain. Losing your independence & being reduced to a version of your self you don't recognize is hard. I definitely empathize with you. HUGS.

I woke up this morning & cried, so I can appreciate how you feel waking up in the morning. Reality hit like a brick & I was painfully overwhelmed. Even being stuck indoors due to physical limitations. It's changed me as a person.

I agree that sleep is a reprieve from life, & it's a go-to for me when I'm emotionally overwhelmed. Nights when I can't sleep at all are distressing.

 

[Meretlein]

I am in a similar boat. One thing that mitigates the pain of those realizations are thinking about the few good times I had and remembering that some people had even less. It only helps ever so slightly.

I am sorry your health was stolen from you.

 

[foxdie]

Now I just try to survive each day and hope that sleep brings me a bit of relief. I'm genuinely upset whenever I wake up. Anyone else relate? I feel like a completely different person now and like nothing matters anymore. I've never felt so low and my life seriously feels like a nightmare. You know how when you wake up from a bad dream and you're relieved it all wasn't real? I feel like my dreams are my real life and my life is the nightmare but I don't get to wake up

I relate to this a lot. I just want to sleep forever and have wished I would not wake up the next morning for so long. When I just wake up, those few moments before I remember my terrible life are my best and then I am crushed by another day.

I still have my independence for now tho and I'm so sorry you've lost yours. It's really unfair and frustrating to have to live through that. I don't know what else to say tbh. I feel for you fam

 

[mini_weeny]

My life basically changed overnight and due to stress and inactivity I've developed even more health issues on top of that. I'm only 26 and essentially housebound and can't even enjoy the comfort of my own home because I get no relief here either

Life wasn't perfect but did have it's good moments and all of my old memories are constantly playing over and over in my head. The things I used to be able to do, my old apartment, city life, doing fun things and traveling and having my whole life ahead of me

Now I just try to survive each day and hope that sleep brings me a bit of relief. I'm genuinely upset whenever I wake up. Anyone else relate? I feel like a completely different person now and like nothing matters anymore. I've never felt so low and my life seriously feels like a nightmare. You know how when you wake up from a bad dream and you're relieved it all wasn't real? I feel like my dreams are my real life and my life is the nightmare but I don't get to wake up

I'm too scared to actually pull the plug but I just don't know how long I can live like this

Same same here same feelings. A constant horror all day long, specially when I wake up too. Same constant loop of thoughts about the past and what went wrong :( I wish you relief. H is hell

 

[Cronetappingout]

I so feel this in my bones. Except I dont get the relief of sleep. I have insomnia.

 

[sourpink]

I too can deeply relate.
I suppose we're all in good company here.

 

[stygal]

100 % me.
Before 2014 (and my health going to shit)
I at least had some reasons to get up in the morning and something to look forward to.
Now it's just me being stuck in my flat 24/7 and not having much prospects that it will ever get better.
Lots of online hugs to you!

 

[oneanonymous]

100 % me.
Before 2014 (and my health going to shit)
I at least had some reasons to get up in the morning and something to look forward to.
Now it's just me being stuck in my flat 24/7 and not having much prospects that it will ever get better.
Lots of online hugs to you!

I should just copy and post this, my response is exactly the same.

 

[johntee2]

My life basically changed overnight and due to stress and inactivity I've developed even more health issues on top of that. I'm only 26 and essentially housebound and can't even enjoy the comfort of my own home because I get no relief here either

Life wasn't perfect but did have it's good moments and all of my old memories are constantly playing over and over in my head. The things I used to be able to do, my old apartment, city life, doing fun things and traveling and having my whole life ahead of me

Now I just try to survive each day and hope that sleep brings me a bit of relief. I'm genuinely upset whenever I wake up. Anyone else relate? I feel like a completely different person now and like nothing matters anymore. I've never felt so low and my life seriously feels like a nightmare. You know how when you wake up from a bad dream and you're relieved it all wasn't real? I feel like my dreams are my real life and my life is the nightmare but I don't get to wake up

I'm too scared to actually pull the plug but I just don't know how long I can live like this

Very eloquently put. I could have written that myself. That's if I was capable of articulating anything. I had a catastrophic loss of health on the 24th March 2020. I had an adverse reaction to a prescription drug. My cardiovascular reflexes are wiped so my heart rate doesn't change for exercise or stress. I sleep thanks to mirtazapine. It gives me odd dreams and nightmares. I wake up to the real nightmare that my heart doesn't work. It sort of beats away mechanically but doesn't work. The worst nightmare is waking to that. Like you, I'm getting feeble as exercise is difficult. I've been feverishly researching ways out. My alternative is to wait for natural causes. That could take a year or more or happen this morning. I'm crave death like it's a hunger yet I'm scared senseless of it. Not of death itself but the process, the suffocation, the claustrophobic terror.
I try to blot out all memories of normal life. That's hard as the brain scrolls all day and all night.
I got the PP handbook. It just shows me that there is no easy, peaceful means of exiting without the materials needed. There's an extra taunt with it too. .I worked as a lab chemist for over 30 years and I would have been spoiled for choice for methods. Gases, chemicals - the lot, I had access to all of them.

 

[WornOutLife]

I can relate.
6 months ago I failed to CTB and LOST EVERYTHING! Doctors didn't allow me to live alone in my apartment so I had to go to my parents' house and I suffered so much.

I could never relax and just like you, my mind kept playing the good times and reminding me of my constant hell.

Fortunately, about a 1 month ago, I was "released" and both my freedom and apartment are back!

Hope things work out for you too somehow. You're really young. I'm 33 and I also feel young so, you have lots more to live for haha.

 

[johntee2]

Very eloquently put. I could have written that myself. That's if I was capable of articulating anything. I had a catastrophic loss of health on the 24th March 2020. I had an adverse reaction to a prescription drug. My cardiovascular reflexes are wiped so my heart rate doesn't change for exercise or stress. I sleep thanks to mirtazapine. It gives me odd dreams and nightmares. I wake up to the real nightmare that my heart doesn't work. It sort of beats away mechanically but doesn't work. The worst nightmare is waking to that. Like you, I'm getting feeble as exercise I'd difficult. I've been feverishly researching ways out. My alternative is to wait for natural causes. That could take a year or more or happen this morning. I'm crave death like it's a hunger yet I'm scared senseless by it.
Like you I try to blot out all memories of normal life. That's hard as the brain scrolls all day and all night.
I got the PP handbook. It just shows me that there is no easy, peaceful means of exiting. There are lots of ways but they're all theoretical as far as I'm concerned. Just name one and I can tell you how and why I can't do it. There's an extra taunt with it too. .I worked as a lab chemist for over 30 years and I would have been spoiled for choice for methods. Gases, chemicals - the lot.

 

[Trisolaris]

My life basically changed overnight and due to stress and inactivity I've developed even more health issues on top of that. I'm only 26 and essentially housebound and can't even enjoy the comfort of my own home because I get no relief here either

Life wasn't perfect but did have it's good moments and all of my old memories are constantly playing over and over in my head. The things I used to be able to do, my old apartment, city life, doing fun things and traveling and having my whole life ahead of me

Now I just try to survive each day and hope that sleep brings me a bit of relief. I'm genuinely upset whenever I wake up. Anyone else relate? I feel like a completely different person now and like nothing matters anymore. I've never felt so low and my life seriously feels like a nightmare. You know how when you wake up from a bad dream and you're relieved it all wasn't real? I feel like my dreams are my real life and my life is the nightmare but I don't get to wake up

I'm too scared to actually pull the plug but I just don't know how long I can live like this

This is exactly how I feel. Constantly in pain and thinking what could have been.

 

[Sherri]

I always wondering if, wish I had a time machine, I also love the nighttime, and waking up most days to reality is really hard. I'm sorry about your health. Sending you a hug, your not alone.

 

[Red]

It's hard not to wonder where you might've been had it all not suddenly been snatched away, isn't it?
Further on and still enjoying my career, married instead of merely "long term engaged", actually further on in life rather than stuck in the same Groundhog Day loop of disappointment, pain and frustration.

These stories sound so scarily similar to mine; you'd think that they'd be better at figuring this situation out by now, given how often it seems to occur!

All the more frustrating that society ignores even common problems, that a certain few are just expected to fall by the wayside on account of being "difficult to diagnose", like it was any of our faults that led us here.

Forever squashed by the unrequited mantle "complex", despite fighting it daily, battling it head-on to articulate and correlate and still be found lacking in some vital way...

Not being alone in this isn't much of a comfort when it feels like something that could be stopped or at least made better quite easily by "the right person" finally taking an interest

 

[Wrennie]

It took getting sick to make me realize that health is everything. Quality of life is nonexistent without it. I am in the same predicament as you are. I'm so sorry to hear that sickness has claimed you in your youth too.

 

[Meditation guide]

My life basically changed overnight and due to stress and inactivity I've developed even more health issues on top of that. I'm only 26 and essentially housebound and can't even enjoy the comfort of my own home because I get no relief here either

I'm so sorry to hear of this. I am in the exact same situation as you, with a sudden undiagnosed illness that leaves me housebound.

 

[the_final_countdown]

I'm so sorry to hear of this. I am in the exact same situation as you, with a sudden undiagnosed illness that leaves me housebound.

I have an undiagnosed illness too that affects my sense of balance and gives me tinnitus, along with a couple other health complications.

Then I had a bad reaction to a medication that was supposed to help that left me with more damage.

It's been difficult rebuilding my life ever since. Physically I can do it, but emotionally it was so devastating I feel like I've lost all the will to live.

 

[Downbylife]

I have an undiagnosed illness too that affects my sense of balance and gives me tinnitus, along with a couple other health complications.

Then I had a bad reaction to a medication that was supposed to help that left me with more damage.

It's been difficult rebuilding my life ever since. Physically I can do it, but emotionally it was so devastating I feel like I've lost all the will to live.

May I ask if you did Lyme disease and co-infections tests? Your symptoms looks like that and if something is undiagnosed it's usually this... if you got treated with steroids it's usually cause more inflammation.

And I know exactly what You feel (except this I saw the tick and got diagnosed soon enough, but nothing helps so far).

 

[the_final_countdown]

May I ask if you did Lyme disease and co-infections tests? Your symptoms looks like that and if something is undiagnosed it's usually this... if you got treated with steroids it's usually cause more inflammation.

And I know exactly what You feel (except this I saw the tick and got diagnosed soon enough, but nothing helps so far).

I did a Lyme test and it came back negative.

My issue is related to a gut infection I have. Possibly. Don't know.

Lyme came be very challenging to overcome. And the antibiotics for it just as debilitating. I researched it too just in case that's what I had.

I'm sorry for all you've been through. I hope you can find peace in this life time.

 

[Downbylife]

I did a Lyme test and it came back negative.

My issue is related to a gut infection I have. Possibly. Don't know.

Lyme came be very challenging to overcome. And the antibiotics for it just as debilitating. I researched it too just in case that's what I had.

Damn, I'm really sorry...

I'm fighting with this shit for 4 months with antibiotics and nothing moving in the right direction, screw that...

 

[Callie Arcale]

I'm genuinely upset whenever I wake up.

There's a moment every morning when I open my eyes and I start feeling sick, and anxiety hits me, and the room starts spinning... that moment it's just as heartbreaking every day. I literally feel a knife through my heart. I know what lies ahead and I just don't want to do it anymore.

 

[killedbypsychiatry]

I could have written all of this myself... I'm in the exact same position. Anything that reminds me of what my life used to be is tortures me. I'm so sorry your health was also taken away from you while still being so young, it's so unfair