Those who have attempted and survived

[Phobia_DLW]

What did it feel like? Did you regret suddenly opening your eyes and realizing you are still around? Did you feel shame? Anger? Did it motivate you to try again and actually get it right?

Or

Did it feel like some kind of divine (or whatever you wanna call it) intervention? Did it make you feel like it is not a coincidence that you are still around?

 

[Kayla]

Survived an SN attempt. When I woke up weeks later in the hospital. I was just confused at first. I didn't really know what had happened. I felt angry for a while, so I ordered the SN again. It's been over a year now, and I've realised dying by salt isn't what I really want. I shouldn't have survived what I did back then. Medically, I shouldn't be here. I sometimes feel like I've got a second chance at life, but also sometimes I do wish I had died that day.

 

[SomeoneHelpMe]

I survived two attempts. My last one was via Overdose. I had a seizure, and dislocated my shoulder badly. Dislocated it six more times after that. Then got operated, did physical therapy. When I really realized that I was still there, I bawled my eyes out. Was shipped to the mental ward, left, will try again soon. Almost felt immortal, they way my body just dealt with those pills.

 

[Phobia_DLW]

Survived an SN attempt. When I woke up weeks later in the hospital. I was just confused at first. I didn't really know what had happened. I felt angry for a while, so I ordered the SN again. It's been over a year now, and I've realised dying by salt isn't what I really want. I shouldn't have survived what I did back then. Medically, I shouldn't be here. I sometimes feel like I've got a second chance at life, but also sometimes I do wish I had died that day.

May I ask how you survived? Did you get found?

And how is it that you would like to experience death now (if at all) if not by SN?

Are you just conflicted between having a second chance and wishing it would have ended that day? Leaning towards one side?

Have you managed to process the whole thing (which I assume must be tough and traumatic)?

I guess what I am trying to ask is, has the experienced changed your perspective significantly?

I survived two attempts. My last one was via Overdose. I had a seizure, and dislocated my shoulder badly. Dislocated it six more times after that. Then got operated, did physical therapy. When I really realized that I was still there, I bawled my eyes out. Was shipped to the mental ward, left, will try again soon. Almost felt immortal, they way my body just dealt with those pills.

Sounds awful, I am sorry to hear that.

Are you going to choose a different method this time?

 

[Forveleth]

I was angry after both of my attempts. I genuinely wanted to be dead in both of them. The only positive that came after the first failure was knowing that I could actually do it.

 

[Phobia_DLW]

I was angry after both of my attempts. I genuinely wanted to be dead in both of them. The only positive that came after the first failure was knowing that I could actually do it.

May I ask why they failed? And do you still have the same conviction now as you did after the first attempt?

 

[isthisthingon]

Failed partial hanging, can't find the proper spot with the rope. I want to know it's working. Moving on to Carbon monoxide next. I have a very detailed plan now.

 

[Phobia_DLW]

Failed partial hanging, can't find the proper spot with the rope. I want to know it's working. Moving on to Carbon monoxide next. I have a very detailed plan now.

I hope whatever you choose to do, it works out.

How did you feel after the failed attempt if I may ask?

 

[isthisthingon]

I hope whatever you choose to do, it works out.

How did you feel after the failed attempt if I may ask?

Wildly upset it didn't work. I'm far removed from any feeling of wanting to be around any longer. There's no way I have any "second chance" feelings on life. It's over.

 

[ThePollinator]

What did it feel like? Did you regret suddenly opening your eyes and realizing you are still around? Did you feel shame? Anger? Did it motivate you to try again and actually get it right?

Or

Did it feel like some kind of divine (or whatever you wanna call it) intervention? Did it make you feel like it is not a coincidence that you are still around?

(Please excuse the bad grammar)

I've attempted enough times that I've lost count. Once, I woke up in the hospital a week after I overdosed. I was apparently having constant seizures for a week and was psychotic and unable to control bodily functions due to the drugs. I don't remember a thing. I thought it was a sign that everything would be okay. Same with when I attempted to hang myself once, and I somehow woke up hours later on the floor, the belt still around my neck but untied from the ceiling, and also all the other times I've tried to hang myself, but the ligature was too long to do full suspension (what I wanted to do, as I discovered that partial suspension just doesn't work for me). Other times, I've failed suicide attempts (drowning, partial suspension, more overdoses and more full suspension), and I got annoyed and tried again as soon as I could.

My family says I shouldn't still be on this planet due to all the attempts and hospitalizations, and I agree. It pisses me off that I'm still here. I am getting ready to purchase SN, but I'm scared that it somehow won't work (I'm starting to think I'm cursed or something and am unable to die. I know that sounds stupid and delusional to think I'm immortal, but it feels like the only explanation).

 

[Forveleth]

Dope icon btw. Fell out of the One Piece fandom but still have my Zoro figures.

May I ask why they failed? And do you still have the same conviction now as you did after the first attempt?

Copy-pasta answers because I am lazy:

Tried partial. I lost consciousness and, after some time (no idea how long), I snapped back awake (like when you jump awake out of a dream) and I found myself sitting up straight instead of leaned forward. This caused the tension on the rope to go away and blood returned to my head.

Had a half-baked scheme to knock myself out with a chloroform rag stuffed in a CPAP mask. The rag blocked all the openings so I could not breathe. The chloroform would knock me out to where I would not struggle and I would just lay there and suffocate.... Yeah, chloroform does not work like that. I quickly metabolized it and woke up within minutes. I came to with the mask already ripped off and puking on my basement floor. I was an idiot.

As far as the conviction, absolutely. While the active ideation has admittedly subsided a bit, I still genuinely do not want to live the rest of my natural life. I have a rule to not make an attempt until I feel it is time, but when that time comes I am hoping the next attempt will be my last.

 

[MyMomWasMyLife]

Sounds like you're writing an article.

 

[Kayla]

May I ask how you survived? Did you get found?

And how is it that you would like to experience death now (if at all) if not by SN?

Are you just conflicted between having a second chance and wishing it would have ended that day? Leaning towards one side?

Have you managed to process the whole thing (which I assume must be tough and traumatic)?

I guess what I am trying to ask is, has the experienced changed your perspective significantly?

I took SN in front of the police with an ambulance outside.

At the moment, I don't want to think about CTB.

When good things happen in my life, as I went to a festival on Friday, I feel so happy to have survived. When bad things happen, I wish I had died that day.

I'm still processing it, tbh. It was a lot for me and everyone involved. I can't remember much of what happened that day due to the SN which I struggle with I wish I knew 100% what happened.

I spent so long chasing death and attempting, and when I finally reached "death". I've realised it's not really what I want anymore.

 

[Forveleth]

Sounds like you're writing an article.

This thread pops up every now and then here. People are curious.

 

[Phobia_DLW]

(Please excuse the bad grammar)

I've attempted enough times that I've lost count. Once, I woke up in the hospital a week after I overdosed. I was apparently having constant seizures for a week and was psychotic and unable to control bodily functions due to the drugs. I don't remember a thing. I thought it was a sign that everything would be okay. Same with when I attempted to hang myself once, and I somehow woke up hours later on the floor, the belt still around my neck but untied from the ceiling, and also all the other times I've tried to hang myself, but the ligature was too long to do full suspension (what I wanted to do, as I discovered that partial suspension just doesn't work for me). Other times, I've failed suicide attempts (drowning, partial suspension, more overdoses and more full suspension), and I got annoyed and tried again as soon as I could.

My family says I shouldn't still be on this planet due to all the attempts and hospitalizations, and I agree. It pisses me off that I'm still here. I am getting ready to purchase SN, but I'm scared that it somehow won't work (I'm starting to think I'm cursed or something and am unable to die. I know that sounds stupid and delusional to think I'm immortal, but it feels like the only explanation).

This sounds awful, I truly hope you can find the peace you are looking for. Would you say that each attempt motivated you to get it right the next time? Sounds like you have an insensitive family.

Yea SN sounds pretty much guaranteed but if you survive even that then yea that has got to be some sort of divine intervention.

Did you notice any kind of a pattern when it comes to failed attempts?

Dope icon btw. Fell out of the One Piece fandom but still have my Zoro figures.


Copy-pasta answers because I am lazy:



As far as the conviction, absolutely. While the active ideation has admittedly subsided a bit, I still genuinely do not want to live the rest of my natural life. I have a rule to not make an attempt until I feel it is time, but when that time comes I am hoping the next attempt will be my last.

Hehe thank you very much for noticing it, I haven't watched OP since such a long time too, it is definitely one of the things I want to do before CTB, but yea Zoro is just so fuckin cool, he brings out my inner child.

Thanks for the posts you sent and the insight, btw, what method are you considering now?

 

[ThePollinator]

This sounds awful, I truly hope you can find the peace you are looking for. Would you say that each attempt motivated you to get it right the next time? Sounds like you have an insensitive family.

Yea SN sounds pretty much guaranteed but if you survive even that then yea that has got to be some sort of divine intervention.

Did you notice any kind of a pattern when it comes to failed attempts?

Thank you for the well wishes.

Yes, I am becoming more and more motivated to just get it done.

I have not noticed any sort of pattern when it comes to failed attempts. One piece of advice (that I'm sure you've heard before, but I will repeat it) is that you need to make sure you will not be found. My last attempt was stopped before I did anything because my family (I still live with them) guessed something was amiss and found me. Other attempts have failed because somebody else (or even I) called emergency services. Make sure that your phone is out of reach if you overdose, because chances are you will panic and call someone.

 

[Phobia_DLW]

I took SN in front of the police with an ambulance outside.

At the moment, I don't want to think about CTB.

When good things happen in my life, as I went to a festival on Friday, I feel so happy to have survived. When bad things happen, I wish I had died that day.

I'm still processing it, tbh. It was a lot for me and everyone involved. I can't remember much of what happened that day due to the SN which I struggle with I wish I knew 100% what happened.

I spent so long chasing death and attempting, and when I finally reached "death". I've realised it's not really what I want anymore.

Would you say that the good things feel meh and the bad things feel awful?

Did someone call the cops on you? Were you pissed that they did? Did you find out how it all happened?

And more importantly, what is your outlook on the future now? Are you going to attempt again? Undecided?

Sounds like you're writing an article.

What makes you say that?

Thank you for the well wishes.

Yes, I am becoming more and more motivated to just get it done.

I have not noticed any sort of pattern when it comes to failed attempts. One piece of advice (that I'm sure you've heard before, but I will repeat it) is that you need to make sure you will not be found. My last attempt was stopped before I did anything because my family (I still live with them) guessed something was amiss and found me. Other attempts have failed because somebody else (or even I) called emergency services. Make sure that your phone is out of reach if you overdose, because chances are you will panic and call someone.

Does panic set in and you just contact people? Like an instinct kind of a thing?

 

[ThePollinator]

I took SN in front of the police with an ambulance outside.

At the moment, I don't want to think about CTB.

When good things happen in my life, as I went to a festival on Friday, I feel so happy to have survived. When bad things happen, I wish I had died that day.

I'm still processing it, tbh. It was a lot for me and everyone involved. I can't remember much of what happened that day due to the SN which I struggle with I wish I knew 100% what happened.

I spent so long chasing death and attempting, and when I finally reached "death". I've realised it's not really what I want anymore.

That sounds horrible, I'm sorry, Kayla, and I wish you the best <3 /p /gen

Would you say that the good things feel meh and the bad things feel awful?

Did someone call the cops on you? Were you pissed that they did? Did you find out how it all happened?

And more importantly, what is your outlook on the future now? Are you going to attempt again? Undecided?

What makes you say that?

Does panic set in and you just contact people? Like an instinct kind of a thing?

for me, yes

 

[zkk]

My last attempt was via CO...Lit a charcoal grill in my room and fitted a pipe running from my car's running exhaust to a makeshift gasmask I had made initially for cosplay before sealing the windows and door...woke up in the hospital confused....tried to get out of bed and immediately got face planted to the floor. I screamed when I realized I was still around, even tried to fight off one of the nurses when they tried to help me back to my bed but I was too weak. My parents and older brother later came to visit and hollered at me for a while on how I was selfish and how much they'd' done for me only to be an inconvenience to them. I later got admitted to a mental hospital and between the constant surveillance and meds that basically turned me into a zombie, I felt trapped and lost, like I was already dead and this was some sort of purgatory...still do...trying a different method this weekend tho...hopefully it ends.

 

[Kayla]

Would you say that the good things feel meh and the bad things feel awful?

Did someone call the cops on you? Were you pissed that they did? Did you find out how it all happened?

And more importantly, what is your outlook on the future now? Are you going to attempt again? Undecided?

No, sometimes the good things are goooood. I do have eupd, so emotions are all messed up anyway.

Yeah, someone did call the police on me. The ambulance showed up first, and then the police, and in a panic, I grabbed the stuff, locked myself in the bathroom, and the rest is history.

I take things day by day. I try to have things booked in the future to look forward to. Will I attempt again?? I honestly don't know. I hope not. I don't have any plans or anything. I'm just okay, taking it day by day

 

[Phobia_DLW]

My last attempt was via CO...Lit a charcoal grill in my room and fitted a pipe running from my car's running exhaust to a makeshift gasmask I had made initially for cosplay before sealing the windows and door...woke up in the hospital confused....tried to get out of bed and immediately got face planted to the floor. I screamed when I realized I was still around, even tried to fight off one of the nurses when they tried to help me back to my bed but I was too weak. My parents and older brother later came to visit and hollered at me for a while on how I was selfish and how much they'd' done for me only to be an inconvenience to them. I later got admitted to a mental hospital and between the constant surveillance and meds that basically turned me into a zombie, I felt trapped and lost, like I was already dead and this was some sort of purgatory...still do...trying a different method this weekend tho...hopefully it ends.

I am sorry about how disappointing the attempt felt like.

People often talk about how CTB is so selfish but don't realize that hollering you on about it is also selfish.

Can I ask what you are trying this weekend? Regardless of what it is, I hope the best outcome for you.

No, sometimes the good things are goooood. I do have eupd, so emotions are all messed up anyway.

Yeah, someone did call the police on me. The ambulance showed up first, and then the police, and in a panic, I grabbed the stuff, locked myself in the bathroom, and the rest is history.

I take things day by day. I try to have things booked in the future to look forward to. Will I attempt again?? I honestly don't know. I hope not. I don't have any plans or anything. I'm just okay, taking it day by day

What caused this fundamental mental shift?

I am very glad to hear that you are doing better, very much interested in hearing how.

Was the shift caused by the failed attempt?

Again, very glad to hear you are doing better (at least it seems like).

 

[Forveleth]

Thanks for the posts you sent and the insight, btw, what method are you considering now?

I have a couple at my disposal. Seeing how my partial went, I think I would be comfortable attempting full suspension. I also got my hands on some sodium azide (in the PPH) and benzococaine (not in the PPH, briefly discussed here, iffy method). We will see which suits me when the time comes.

 

[Phobia_DLW]

I have a couple at my disposal. Seeing how my partial went, I think I would be comfortable attempting full suspension. I also got my hands on some sodium azide (in the PPH) and benzococaine (not in the PPH, briefly discussed here, iffy method). We will see which suits me when the time comes.

Well, I wish you the best outcome. How iffy is the benzococaine? First time I am hearing about it. Although it kinda sounds cool.

Do you have a timeline in mind?

 

[interna]

it just made me feel incompetent

 

[Phobia_DLW]

it just made me feel incompetent

Sorry.

Can I ask how it made you feel towards the future?

 

[Forveleth]

Well, I wish you the best outcome. How iffy is the benzococaine? First time I am hearing about it. Although it kinda sounds cool.

Allegedly it has the same mechanism as sodium nitrite but has not been extensively tested so we do not actually know if it works. A former user here supposedly succeeded with it:

Benzocaine Powder

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/numbing-oral-sprays-a-alternative-to-sn-and-kn.230262/ Same thing as the numbing spray but with a higher purity and a higher chance of death. The only difference is that your mouth and throat will go numb from the powder amd the metallic taste you will...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Ctb thread with Benzocaine/Cyanotic Fallout

This is a pre-made post for when I know I'll be gone. I plan to have this post on my birthday... the day I'm supposed to turn 27. I took benzocaine powder and oral anesthetic. I'm taking a significant amount way more then I'd actually recommend anyone ever take... but I'm exhausted from making...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Do you have a timeline in mind?

As I said, I do not make an attempt until I feel ready and I have no idea when that will be. So, no specific date in mind.

 

[isthisthingon]

My last attempt was via CO...Lit a charcoal grill in my room and fitted a pipe running from my car's running exhaust to a makeshift gasmask I had made initially for cosplay before sealing the windows and door...woke up in the hospital confused....tried to get out of bed and immediately got face planted to the floor. I screamed when I realized I was still around, even tried to fight off one of the nurses when they tried to help me back to my bed but I was too weak. My parents and older brother later came to visit and hollered at me for a while on how I was selfish and how much they'd' done for me only to be an inconvenience to them. I later got admitted to a mental hospital and between the constant surveillance and meds that basically turned me into a zombie, I felt trapped and lost, like I was already dead and this was some sort of purgatory...still do...trying a different method this weekend tho...hopefully it ends.

You tried the charcoal in your room and the pipe to cars exhaust? Or were these separate attempts? I'm curious about the charcoal grill. Can you elaborate on that?

 

[interna]

Sorry.

Can I ask how it made you feel towards the future?

scared and frustrated - it sucks being so convinced everything's gonna end only to get thrown back into living again

 

[GT Darkarage]

I survived two attempts.. both I felt ashamed.

Wish a third one is definitely.
I'm prove that an overdose on meds will never kill you.

 

[Phobia_DLW]

I survived two attempts.. both I felt ashamed.

Wish a third one is definitely.
I'm prove that an overdose on meds will never kill you.

What method are you considering now?

Why the shame? Friends and family?