Discussion Those who are masking their ideation more. Do you still think you've dropped enough hints to reveal how you feel? Poll

[Forever Sleep]

I've just read a thread discussing the inference of CTB:

The unspoken inference of CTB?

I couldn't think of a better title for this thread, but I had a nagging thought over the years, with regards to a potential pattern I observed either IRL or through online platforms and spaces outside of SaSu. The thing I observed is where whenever someone is stressed or upset (for whatever...

sanctioned-suicide.net

And, it's inspired me to make a poll.

I suppose it is more targetted at people who have been trying to mask their ideation. Do you still think you've dropped hints that allude to you being suicidal or, wishing you were dead? Did you let those hints out more consciously or, by mistake? Did anyone pick up on them?

I've only told a handful of friends outright that I developed ideation in childhood and have had those feelings ever since. Mostly when I either sensed they felt the same or, that they were pro- choice enough not to go ballistic.

I haven't said it outright to family but, I feel like I've said more than enough around them for them to join the dots. I just think they don't want to. Even under high stress situations at work in the past, I've said more than I should. Again, they just went quiet, more than pushing for clarification. Which was a mercy- really. Maybe they wanted rid of me. Lol.

I'm curious really. How stone walled are you about ideation? How conscious are you to keep it all hidden? Do hints slip out from time to time? Do you have control over it?

It's usually when I'm feeling really stressed, that I'll let something slip. Often when another expectation or disappointment in me is dumped on me. I suppose because it provokes my rebellious side to say: 'No- this isn't reasonable because- I don't even want to be alive!' I am still conscious though- that it's probably stupid to hint at it. Just that, in that moment, I am too frustrated to care.

What are your experiences?

 

[Pluto]

 

[_Gollum_]

I don't think so but I might be underestimating how perceptive my family is. Some of them certainly at least suspect that I've had/have depression, but I doubt any of them have any idea as to the depths of my suicidality. The closest I came to slipping was when my little brother was having a mental crisis and was passively suicidal, and I wasn't participating in the "prevention" of his suicide and was instead saying that if that's his choice, I respect it. It was not a very popular view...

 

[vitbar]

Since I started telling people about my depression (but not ideation) some now look worried by my morbid attitudes and sense of humour.

 

[TAW122]

I'm very honored that you were inspired by my thread and article, especially ones that were pretty thought-provoking and interesting to ponder on. As for the poll, I've answered both as a stonewall and also let slip some hints consciously (albeit indirectly). When I said indirectly, an example would be about a desire to get some fancy goal or aspiration, but without trying to hint at my real intention (if I fail to attain xyz, I will CTB). So instead, I may hint that it will be a very bad thing and I would be very sad, upset, and maybe not really get over it, and emphasize how it is a big deal. I do suppose if someone was curious enough, they could indirectly infer 'CTB' though it would be a very 'tenuous' connection at best (because I would hint, subtly about CTB but just in so many words, or like a word salad).

I would consider that I do drop hints in a way, consciously, but very indirectly for obvious reasons though. Like for example, if at some future time I failed to get whatever goal or aspiration or something (even if I at some point dropped a few hints), and then sometime after the failure (could be months or late into the future), CTB, it is possible some people could connect the dots (even if indirectly or even if they didn't it would be irrelevant as I'd be dead). Chances are, the closer in proximity in time the higher the odds of connecting the act (CTB attempt successful or so) to the real cause. In the end though, I'm only trying to find peace in any way that I could, the best way that I could, but I digress. In a less prohibitive, more pro-choice society, I may not be as discrete or have to mask as much, but sadly in today's evergrowing paternalistic and surveillance world, privacy is more important than ever...

 

[bloodfiend]

(this is my first time posting btw and i felt like this was a good place to start. so, hello.)
i'm pretty acutely aware of how i come off the people, and my tone sounds so sarcastic--even when it's unintentional--that i doubt most people would think i wasn't joking. i haven't ever told anyone irl the true extent of my ideation though, just because of the fallout and potential consequences of that.

I feel like I've said more than enough around them for them to join the dots. I just think they don't want to.

i think it's kind of the same situation for me. people close to me like my mother are probably aware, but they don't want to actually go there because it's too painful.

 

[Ilovemycats]

I think that it's a bit same for me, like during stressful situations I let it slip a little. But normally I tend to hide it behind dark jokes.

Sadly some people did find out during my stressful moments, and now I got forced to get help (ーー;

 

[LettinGooo]

Two attempts within a week. One wasnt a serious attempt but more a breakdown while my most recent Inert Gas via Helium which unfortunately failed would have been successful if I uhh didn't violently convulse and fall over.

Haven't told anyone despite wanting to as it will no doubt prevent me from succeeding.

Having to work nearly immediately after my He attempt wasn't fun.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Two attempts within a week. One wasnt a serious attempt but more a breakdown while my most recent Inert Gas via Helium which unfortunately failed would have been successful if I uhh didn't violently convulse and fall over.

Haven't told anyone despite wanting to as it will no doubt prevent me from succeeding.

Having to work nearly immediately after my He attempt wasn't fun.

That must have been so rough to have to go to work afterwards. You must have felt so physically and mentally disorientated.

I think that it's a bit same for me, like during stressful situations I let it slip a little. But normally I tend to hide it behind dark jokes.

Sadly some people did find out during my stressful moments, and now I got forced to get help (ーー;

Is the 'help' making any difference?

I think that it's a bit same for me, like during stressful situations I let it slip a little. But normally I tend to hide it behind dark jokes.

Sadly some people did find out during my stressful moments, and now I got forced to get help (ーー;

Is the 'help' making any difference?

 

[LettinGooo]

That must have been so rough to have to go to work afterwards. You must have felt so physically and mentally disorientated.


Is the 'help' making any difference?


Is the 'help' making any difference?

Honestly no. The failed attempt gave me a perspective shift and I've stopped caring about anything. 10/10 would recommend.

 

[itsgone2]

I drop hints but it's more that I don't mask anything. I can't anyway. There are suddenly very real problems in my life so it's not borne of nothing but the people I work with know me as some that jokes around. A lot. Now it's hard to stand and I never joke. I've lost a lot of weight. Everyone knows im going downhill fast. But what can they do? What is anyone to do? I sincerely wish I would have ctb already. I hate SI for stopping me. Hopefully it's soon.

 

[calicocat07]

Honestly I realized i kept making too many jokes about wanting to kill me myself lately lol. Oops.