Those of you who own SN but haven't taken it yet-- why?

[unnamed2]

@dkrw, fear of failure, stupid hope that i can repair my life, my mind.
Years fly by and its pathetic that i dont know how to live. I like when im in work because that absorbs the day and i can feel a little bit less useless.

 

[cait_sith]

that time-frame between ingestion and passing out, estimated 10 minutes, scares me, if only you would pass out immediately after ingestion like n, but that "what the fuck have I done" feeling with nausea and panic and heart-racing that I fear will be there once I took it, this sometimes makes it more scary than hanging which I imagine will be an greater onslaught of emotions and pain but it will "only" last for a minute max. SN really isn't that much greater than the violent methods when i think about it, but my mind flip-flops on this issue a lot.

 

[PinballWizard39]

I plan to take mine after my last therapy session in about 5/6 weeks time. I figure I should at least see it through and have them confirm there's nothing else they're going to offer me before I act.

Saying that, my depression is reaching ridiculous levels so who knows, it could be sooner.

 

[viljalauss]

I have talked to some people on this site who own SN but have not taken it (yet).
I also feel like, even if I had it, I would still be scared of actually going through with this method/drinking it.

So, I am curious to hear your reasons.

[i post a lot on this forum... i'm sorry for bothering some of you. it's because i am depressed and suicidal as fuck and i have no one to talk to anymore because i completely ruined my life, forced to move to another country in a different timezone and lost all my social contacts + deleted all my other social medias because my old life/self is already dead. the only thing i do is fantasize about my ctb these days, so feel free to share anything with me please. and miss me & all my posts when i am dead!!]

you are welcome here <3

i'm definitely relieved i have it now! but i suspect my attitude now is roughly the same as when i didn't know much about illegitimate sn + customs issues and thought that obtaining sn from the one supplier i knew about / had in mind would be straightforward. planned dates multiple times, either just before vacations with family or on going back to uni after them, since i did not want to go through it again but also did not want to put my family through seeing my body (or having an attempt fail and them take me out of uni -> make me live with them full-time). honestly i did the same with n as well before that when i really didn't know about scammers. realising i've been making those plans for about the last 3 years, and only one actually manifested in an attempt, which is rather depressing.. anyway

reasons i've postponed include not wanting to ruin my bf's birthday celebration by dying before it happened, his actual birthday by dying straight before, not wanting to ruin my bf's grades by dying just before summer, when our exams are (especially in third year as a 2:1 is necessary to go on to a master's). sensing a theme here.. and another time (when i thought i had sn secured) when i said smth vaguely (by accident) implying that i wouldn't see him again and i saw him fill with so much fear and desperation for the first time that i vowed to stick around for a while, and err on the side of being deterred even now

in the moment i might think otherwise, but i'm ok with the idea of drinking sn. i like salt a lot, after all :) (i know it's not the same)

reason for postponing now - at the time i successfully got sn, i was close enough (like 2 months) to final exams for uni (which i am nearly done with now! though i do not anticipate feeling any relief), so i thought i might as well do them since my parents/the government had wasted so much money on me to be able to go to uni in the first place
but i suppose a time constraint has been placed in the other direction since i do not want to be around to see the inevitably bad results and my parents receiving them

 

[Onelegman]

that time-frame between ingestion and passing out, estimated 10 minutes, scares me, if only you would pass out immediately after ingestion like n, but that "what the fuck have I done" feeling with nausea and panic and heart-racing that I fear will be there once I took it, this sometimes makes it more scary than hanging which I imagine will be an greater onslaught of emotions and pain but it will "only" last for a minute max. SN really isn't that much greater than the violent methods when i think about it, but my mind flip-flops on this issue a lot.

Just today I saw a video of a young girl taking NS. She did not have audio but her gestures indicated that her throat was itchy. Many have reported that the nausea goes away quickly and that the pain does not go beyond a simple discomfort in the stomach. But each person is different, if you have a stomach ulcer it will be more painful.

My reasons for postponing it are similar to those of @viljalauss
I don't want it to coincide with birthdays, holidays or special dates of any kind, Halloween, Easter and others. I prefer it to be a day like any other and that nothing reminds my loved ones that oh! today is when onlegeman killed himself...

 

[TheLastBoyOnEarth]

I have N since a few months ago, but now that I have it, I've started planning so my death can be as easy as possible for everybody. So that started with choosing a date when my relatives will be in the city so they can have a funeral if they like. And also planning how my money will be distributed and everything related to my death. Last night I wrote the first draft of my suicide note and it was a big step for me. So basically, I haven't taken it yet because I'm planning everything carefully.

 

[unabletocope]

not sure it's what i want to do.

 

[jar-baby]

Knowing that I have a way out brings me relief. But I'm not certain I want to die yet.

 

[SassyGirl52]

My husband is very sick. I've already lost my mom, dad and sister. I'm only 50 and now I could lose my husband. I just can't bear it. I feel conflicted because I don't want to hurt my kids who are grown but I also don't want to be a burden on them. I'm also scared of what comes after. I have my SN and it brings me comfort but what if I make a mistake and I'm still here?

 

[BrokeN__lil’__girl]

I tried a couple of times and failed
And now it's expired
It's so chunky, and I'm not sure if it still works

 

[Justnotme]

I'm afraid I'm going to have a stroke, a heart attack, while I'm still conscious. I'm afraid of pulmonary edema and brain swelling when I'm conscious. I'm afraid of suffocation when I'm conscious.

ATTENTION:
guys, I'm in the same boat with you and I just would like to hug you all goodbye.
I'm not scaring anyone, remember that.
I just want to be honest about my fears.

I really want our death to pass peacefully and without pain.
We're in a huge trap, guys.

I just don't trust this method completely. Please understand me.

I will only be happy if in our 21st century, one of these days, it is suddenly announced that sodium nitrite is a new painless way of suicide.

I can tolerate abdominal pain, but not very much.
But I can't stand the pain in my chest. Some forum participants talked about her.

Confused.

 

[rainwillneverstop]

i dont know anymore

 

[Unknown21]

I tried a couple of times and failed
And now it's expired
It's so chunky, and I'm not sure if it still works

Please excuse me, did you fail in your attempt with SN? Would you mind providing me with more details about your attempts?

 

[TimetoGo!]

I've had it around 2 months now……want to go more than anything but just dont trust the actual SN .

 

[BrokeN__lil’__girl]

Please excuse me, did you fail in your attempt with SN? Would you mind providing me with more details about your attempts?

Sorry. Cannot

 

[LunarLight]

I don't feel like taking it right now. I've gotten better since I've started taking L-Methylfolate.

 

[divinemistress36]

I'm afraid I'm going to have a stroke, a heart attack, while I'm still conscious. I'm afraid of pulmonary edema and brain swelling when I'm conscious. I'm afraid of suffocation when I'm conscious.

ATTENTION:
guys, I'm in the same boat with you and I just would like to hug you all goodbye.
I'm not scaring anyone, remember that.
I just want to be honest about my fears.

I really want our death to pass peacefully and without pain.
We're in a huge trap, guys.

I just don't trust this method completely. Please understand me.

I will only be happy if in our 21st century, one of these days, it is suddenly announced that sodium nitrite is a new painless way of suicide.

I can tolerate abdominal pain, but not very much.
But I can't stand the pain in my chest. Some forum participants talked about her.

Confused.

Theres a chance of stroke with SN?

 

[feelinggloomy]

I have 2 pups that I love and that my son who CTB loved. I need to wait for them to go … I'll go via SN shortly after and hope someone scatters all of our ashes together

 

[LostSoul1965]

Theres a chance of stroke with SN?

Not that I have heard. But I guess there is a chance for anything to happen depending on method. Those appear to be just her personal fears.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Emotional inertia and scared of the experience/failure

 

[juna]

I recently got SN, got to figure out the AEs. But even if I had everything, I would still wait for the right time. The right time for me is when I am completely tired of life. Yes, I am tired of living right now but some days are ok. I also want to finish the things I started. I started to learn swimming last year, did not manage to learn anything, will try this year too and hopefully learn it.
I feel I will try to live as long as I can and when I feel life is too painful, I will do it. I am hopeful I will be able to handle the survival instinct at that moment and die peacefully.
There is no need to hurry into death. It is a final decision and no one comes back from it. So, I want to try doing all I wanted in my life as much as I can before I ctb.
There certainly are days when I want to do it immediately but I calm myself down. I am living not because I am scared to die but because I have something to look forward to for now. Also I don't want to leave my cat so early.

 

[Chronicoverwhelm]

My plan was to hold off until my senior dog passed, which she did last September. Now the things holding me back are FEAR & GUILT, disorganization with getting my affairs in order, and as others have mentioned- holidays & birthdays, etc... I'm also worried about the quality of my SN as it is 1.5 yrs old now. I don't have enough for the aquarium test in addition to the amount required for the protocol.

I have a severe challenges with executive functioning when it comes to paperwork, phone calls, forms, research, etc... so that is holding up my CTB plans quite a bit. I still have to create a will and take some steps to make sorting out my finances a little easier for whoever ends up with that task.

Another more recent hold up is that I have just discovered that there is a possibility that I qualify for MAID with all of my health issues. So I am going to apply and see if I'm approved or not.

But wow.... I have sure run my life into the ground because I expected to CTB months ago. So many of my decisions on various things were based on the fact that I expected to be gone long before now, so I have new problems popping up daily.

I have truly over-stayed my welcome.

 

[Catch-22]

I'm not holding on to hope like some other people.. I'm glad they're holding on though. There is no one to come and save me from being sick and homeless in the near future. My body is rapidly falling apart. I do not want to spend the next year undergoing painful surgeries and wind up sicker and homeless
The reason why I haven't taken my method which is SN is I have not had any time alone. I'm waiting for that opportunity then I'm gone.