Venting Those last few days I've been crying and grieving the life I never had (even though I always hated my existence)

[letied]

I always hated my existence, but wanted to have good experiences. Of course I never had / won't have them. The worst thing is that they are really basic things like having money, a good family, friends and a partner.

Life is meaningless and random, but damn, sometimes it seems like some of us were just born to suffer over and over again.

Two of the things that it hurts the most: I will die without knowing how being loved feels like and without knowing how affection feels like.

I'm so invisible. I'm a real ghost.

 

[BabyFears]

Being depressed is exactly grieving a life you could have had or a life you'll never have. People think suicidal people just want to die but that's not true. I wish I could live. I'm really sorry you've never been loved and never experienced affection. But that doesn't mean tomorrow you won't find that one person that will give you both love and affection. I really wish you the best and hope life will be kinder to you in the future

 

[letied]

Being depressed is exactly grieving a life you could have had or a life you'll never have. People think suicidal people just want to die but that's not true. I wish I could live. I'm really sorry you've never been loved and never experienced affection. But that doesn't mean tomorrow you won't find that one person that will give you both love and affection. I really wish you the best and hope life will be kinder to you in the future

The grief has been really hard those last few days because there is a high chance of having an opportunity to ctb really soon and because If I choose to stay alive I will be homeless.

 

[BabyFears]

I see, of course it's scary and it's okay to be. But if you don't feel ready to ctb don't rush anything, take time to think about it

Is there anyone you could ask to host you ? Or homeless shelters you could go to ?

 

[FuneralCry]

Life is so unfair, many of us are disadvantaged right from the start through no fault of our own. That is why I see it as better to never be born in the first place. It is painful when we cannot achieve what we want in this life. I'm sorry you are going through this, I wish you the best, I hope you find peace and freedom from suffering.

 

[letied]

I see, of course it's scary and it's okay to be. But if you don't feel ready to ctb don't rush anything, take time to think about it

Is there anyone you could ask to host you ? Or homeless shelters you could go to ?

I feel ready. I'm really tired of everything.

 

[SolomonKado]

i would like to say I'm glad you haven't experienced those things and what comes with them…, but I don't know how it really feels to you since I've had those things.

I've had enough money to live comfortably, but I had to give up my beliefs, sanity, hopes, and dreams without knowing until it was too late. I've been in love multiple times…or atleast thought I was.

I'm still not sure what love is because each one of those relationships I'd give so much of myself to them and get very little in return. I'd find their likes, dislikes, dreams, and do for them along those lines to show them they were important to me and I loved them…it was good in the beginning because I was making someone, I think, happy. Then after awhile I started getting tired because I wasn't getting what I was putting in…that's when it fell apart of the relationships went down hill…I would start to become bitter…

Affection was nice…atleast it seemed like it because after something like Sex I felt more anxious than I did in the beginning. It took me a lot of strength to build up to show affection because they would be angry people and I'd be terrified of getting shot down. Watching them show more happiness around others then me made me feel worthless.

At least being alone I could keep the pain I endure somewhat managed, but we are a social species and are dragged out by our animal instincts for one thing or another…. You ever wonder why you get strong feelings of being social, wanting affection, etc. It's in our dna. It's that and our SI that's made people thrive on this planet for so long.