Help This week pt 2

[Fire&Ash]

So I posted last time called "this week" and i want to add to it. I've decided to ctb on Friday. I'm currently living with my parents. Idk how I can fix my life or change myself. I am so mentally gone and I don't think I have ever had a "spark" in me. Maybe that's why I'm awkward or people don't like me. There is nothing there. I can't function. I don't brush my teeth or air and I wear sweats everyday. I haven't worked in 19 months. I just can't move anymore. Severe dysfunction. I tried getting help from my psychiatrist on Wednesday. I told her how empty and I feel like I'm doomed and I feel so much pain like betrayal and other things. I told her I can't function. I was hoping she would give me lexapro or up my dose of cymbalta, or give me stimulants or something. I was being really honest but that was a mistake. She sent me to the ER. I went. Obviously nothing happened. I was sent home after a mental health consult told me to stop by and see him and he would get me on the waitlist for therapy. Idk, I tried. I can't change my personality or fix myself. I can't change how people view me. Idk. So I'm done. It's Tuesday and after going through a whole guilt trip of wondering how this will kill my mom, I decided I don't care. I'm done suffering. I'm done with the coldness from my sisters and relatives. I'm done with struggling with people and jobs and basic learning life skills like cooking and other things. I'm just stupid. I can't learn. I have to make myself a notebook on how to send mail or cook food or use washing machine or how to drive or other life tips and I just can't anymore. Maybe I would feel so sorry for myself if I felt like I had a personality or something that people liked but I don't. I never have people. Ever.
This Friday I will do it. I will tell my parents I'm going to the bar. I will go to the nearest hotel and pay in cash. And I will take SN.
Since I overthink, idk what to do about travel. Should I take my mom's car or get a taxi. It will look weird if I get a taxi since this town is so small, and it would make more sense to use my mom's car. But what will happen to it if I leave it at the motel? Will cops take it? Idk what to think I'm not thinking…help?

Pt 1 of This week

This week is crap

I'm terrible at explaining but I'll do my best. I just wanted to write this out somewhere. I feel like my whole life has been a joke. From my younger years of 0-11 my older sister has bullied me relentlessly. Just the way she speaks to me is awful. Like there is this disdain from her. She has...

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