Venting This is it?

[Thx4DFish]

Is this all there is to life for me? The endless cycle keeps going on for myself and I can't stand it anymore. Wake up very tired, go to work, interact with people, come home, collapse to the ground due to exhaustion and physical pain, and expect to keep going when it's overwhelming? I already know I'm beyond help, and that's why I came to this place, a place that truly understands. I'm even at the point where therapy is just a colossal waste of time and money that I don't have either of. I can't even remember a large majority of my life anymore. I couldn't even tell you what was the best moment of my life because I can't remember almost anything. My mother gaslights me and says I'm making myself forget even though I genuinely cannot remember. A while ago, I took a trip to one of my favorite places in the world and it was not only one of the worst trips I've ever had, but it was traumatic. I was having a mental breakdown in public and nobody (with me) cared. In fact, they forced me to sit in the car against a broken baby seat that scratched into my leg Because my aunt wanted to sit up in the front seat Just because she wanted to. (Context: I'm pretty tall and the front seat is barely enough to fit my legs, And she's short.) Everybody treated me so poorly and that's when I realized my worth and my priorities.

The world is beautiful. I like seeing the sunrises and the stars at night, Even the beauty of the ocean and its vast depths. But it comes to a point where the beauty of life doesn't mean anything anymore. My fantasies and daydreams can only get me so far before they don't work anymore. On my birthday, if my one last hope doesn't work out that I've been planning for a very long while, I'll be at the bus stop. I really hope things go my way for once. I hope, I pray to a non-existent deity that it does, But I shouldn't count on it. I think that's what my life boils down to: Disappointment.