it's halloween here, and I should probably be doing something. i should be out trying to meet people, trying to make friends, socialising. there'd be something in the night I'd enjoy. or I should be looking for a better paying job, or stretching, or planning what I'm going to eat tomorrow. instead i'm just thinking.
I've been suicidal for 8 years. I hear people say they go in and out of depressions, have highs and lows, but I've never had that. I've just been the same heavily depressed every single day. it started when I was 17 and I stopped talking to the guy I liked. I was borderline obsessed with him and would have done anything to make it work. I think I'd always seen a romantic relationship as a way out of my family, so I think giving up hope that I'd have one is what killed everything in me. I've long moved on from him and caught feelings for other people but the overall deadness has never gone away. my cat died after getting hit by a car 3 weeks ago and I adopted a new cat two days later. And I was a bit sad but I've bonded with the new cat and life has gone on. i change jobs and move house and "friends" come and go, and I don't really care about any of them. I've seen psychologists long-term and just thought they were useless. I honestly think therapy is a huge scam and I don't attend anymore.
I know something is deeply wrong in me but there isn't any real help. the best thing I can do for myself is keep a roof over my head and keep myself fed, which I do. I have no hobbies or interests or passions. I used to have them, I used to love Pokemon, writing fanfic, watching anime, reading books. I used to get excited when a new Skulduggery Pleasant book came out. I remember downloading the demo for Omega Ruby and falling in love with Pokemon again. Binge reading a good book series late into the night was the best feeling ever. It felt like life could be anything. I could be a wizard or a fae or whatever else - I could read a book and step into a whole new world, be a whole new person.
I have symptoms of everything, autism, adhd, depression, anxiety, ptsd. It feels like I'm just making diagnoses up at this point. I have some sort of digestion problem and am bloated constantly, my skin is always breaking out and itchy. I use hydrogen peroxide to clean my tongue and still can't fix my breath. I have a pelvic tilt so have intense back pain pretty constantly. i've paid more than 1k in dental because my braces left some kind of glue residue so teeth whitening doesn't work. I just look quite ugly and off balance. I cringe when I see myself in videos or hear my own voice.
in this super competitive dog-eat-dog world I'm pretty much always treated badly. i quit jobs constantly because of it.
i like being alive and I like other people. I just don't like the 1 million rules I need to follow to fit in. even when I try my best there's always something that someone doesn't like about me. there's always something about me that doesn't stack up. so I've given up to stay sane, because if I kept trying I would have properly killed myself a while ago.
I know if I met myself at a bar I wouldn't like myself very much. I don't like most people, but I especially don't like people who complain but also don't fix anything in their lives. so if I met myself I'd probably feel bad but also just wish she'd go away and take her problems with her. I'm like everyone else, I don't really want to hear about the bad things in the world, I just want to be happy and forget.
i've seen doctors but they never really believe me. I asked for sleep meds, got told no. Asked to get a care plan to see a physio for my back pain, got told no. i'm 25 so young enough that they can just dismiss me. and the whole healthcare system is just based on keeping people alive, not really making people happy.
So I'm dying, just a slow death, one day a time. I'm just one fish in a sea of seven bilion. whether I find love and happiness or not isn't a big deal and doesn't matter to anyone. i can go socialise all day or i can doomscroll tiktok all day, neither option bothers me much, because I know both are fruitless. I've never enjoyed socialising like other people because they get something out of it - they make friends, they feel cared for, they care for others. but I don't bother socialising because I've already given up. I know the friendly bubbly person talking to me is going to leave when they realise the extent of my suffering just like everyone else. but each time I get hopeful and then get hurt and disappointed when they leave. it happened again last week with a work friend who is now avoiding me. i thought maybe this time it would work out, but it didn't. before her there was the other work friend, then the ones from the job before, then my sports team, then the DND group from my old job, and my old flatmates who I went to the snow with... every single one of them, it didn't work out. I can go on and on.
So I've got my cats and my home, and that's kind of it. I still like people, I like seeing people be happy and silly on tiktok or share moments of their day. I like coming on here and seeing the kindness in people even when they're at their limit. i have a few youtubers I follow who I've seen get married and have kids. I laugh at things I see on twitter - people are so clever and witty. i post my cats on instagram every so often and old work friends will laugh react and it's nice to know they don't hate me even though they don't want to talk to me or see me.
I'm ex-religious and pretty traumatised from religion, but I like the idea of there being a god. I'll pray for myself and everyone else on here tonight
I've been suicidal for 8 years. I hear people say they go in and out of depressions, have highs and lows, but I've never had that. I've just been the same heavily depressed every single day. it started when I was 17 and I stopped talking to the guy I liked. I was borderline obsessed with him and would have done anything to make it work. I think I'd always seen a romantic relationship as a way out of my family, so I think giving up hope that I'd have one is what killed everything in me. I've long moved on from him and caught feelings for other people but the overall deadness has never gone away. my cat died after getting hit by a car 3 weeks ago and I adopted a new cat two days later. And I was a bit sad but I've bonded with the new cat and life has gone on. i change jobs and move house and "friends" come and go, and I don't really care about any of them. I've seen psychologists long-term and just thought they were useless. I honestly think therapy is a huge scam and I don't attend anymore.
I know something is deeply wrong in me but there isn't any real help. the best thing I can do for myself is keep a roof over my head and keep myself fed, which I do. I have no hobbies or interests or passions. I used to have them, I used to love Pokemon, writing fanfic, watching anime, reading books. I used to get excited when a new Skulduggery Pleasant book came out. I remember downloading the demo for Omega Ruby and falling in love with Pokemon again. Binge reading a good book series late into the night was the best feeling ever. It felt like life could be anything. I could be a wizard or a fae or whatever else - I could read a book and step into a whole new world, be a whole new person.
I have symptoms of everything, autism, adhd, depression, anxiety, ptsd. It feels like I'm just making diagnoses up at this point. I have some sort of digestion problem and am bloated constantly, my skin is always breaking out and itchy. I use hydrogen peroxide to clean my tongue and still can't fix my breath. I have a pelvic tilt so have intense back pain pretty constantly. i've paid more than 1k in dental because my braces left some kind of glue residue so teeth whitening doesn't work. I just look quite ugly and off balance. I cringe when I see myself in videos or hear my own voice.
in this super competitive dog-eat-dog world I'm pretty much always treated badly. i quit jobs constantly because of it.
i like being alive and I like other people. I just don't like the 1 million rules I need to follow to fit in. even when I try my best there's always something that someone doesn't like about me. there's always something about me that doesn't stack up. so I've given up to stay sane, because if I kept trying I would have properly killed myself a while ago.
I know if I met myself at a bar I wouldn't like myself very much. I don't like most people, but I especially don't like people who complain but also don't fix anything in their lives. so if I met myself I'd probably feel bad but also just wish she'd go away and take her problems with her. I'm like everyone else, I don't really want to hear about the bad things in the world, I just want to be happy and forget.
i've seen doctors but they never really believe me. I asked for sleep meds, got told no. Asked to get a care plan to see a physio for my back pain, got told no. i'm 25 so young enough that they can just dismiss me. and the whole healthcare system is just based on keeping people alive, not really making people happy.
So I'm dying, just a slow death, one day a time. I'm just one fish in a sea of seven bilion. whether I find love and happiness or not isn't a big deal and doesn't matter to anyone. i can go socialise all day or i can doomscroll tiktok all day, neither option bothers me much, because I know both are fruitless. I've never enjoyed socialising like other people because they get something out of it - they make friends, they feel cared for, they care for others. but I don't bother socialising because I've already given up. I know the friendly bubbly person talking to me is going to leave when they realise the extent of my suffering just like everyone else. but each time I get hopeful and then get hurt and disappointed when they leave. it happened again last week with a work friend who is now avoiding me. i thought maybe this time it would work out, but it didn't. before her there was the other work friend, then the ones from the job before, then my sports team, then the DND group from my old job, and my old flatmates who I went to the snow with... every single one of them, it didn't work out. I can go on and on.
So I've got my cats and my home, and that's kind of it. I still like people, I like seeing people be happy and silly on tiktok or share moments of their day. I like coming on here and seeing the kindness in people even when they're at their limit. i have a few youtubers I follow who I've seen get married and have kids. I laugh at things I see on twitter - people are so clever and witty. i post my cats on instagram every so often and old work friends will laugh react and it's nice to know they don't hate me even though they don't want to talk to me or see me.
I'm ex-religious and pretty traumatised from religion, but I like the idea of there being a god. I'll pray for myself and everyone else on here tonight
