Anarchy
Invisible anarchist
- Jul 9, 2018
- 383
I'm thinking maybe tomorrow morning but I'm honestly not sure. I was kind of hoping to stick around for as long as possible before the holiday ends, and I really wanted to see my favourite band in concert...but everyday just seems like forever. There is no break from the pain. It just gets worse and worse. I can't stand the isolation anymore. It's more likely that I'll die and be reincarnated back in this life and for it to go as it should have, than it's likely for me to find happiness in this life.
I'm really worried about getting caught. My dad's started going back to work now after taking time off, though, so he'll go around 6 in the morning. Then it'll be just my mum and sister in the house. Hopefully I can grab a knife then and sneak out. I'm not sure if I'll try to stab myself to death or use a train or both. I'd rather bleed out as it seems more peaceful but then it'd be so hard to cut myself, and a lot easier to be hit by a train.
Then there's the dog. But my dad will have gone past it to go for work, so that might wake it up, and when it's awake fully then it's less likely to growl and attack.
I doubt that I'd dare to come back to the house after attempting, even if I regret it, because then my mum would probably see me and I'd probably be sectioned.
Getting out of the house is one of the main obstacles. But I'll put my music on after I get out, so it shouldn't be as scary. I seriously have no idea how it will go. If I decide to do it, I can't be certain that I won't chicken out, even when I've got there. But I know logically that death is the best option for me.
Also, I have another appointment tomorrow, which I don't intend to go to, and my mum was already super hysterical when I missed the one today. I don't want to have to deal with that shit.
There're so many appointments. One tomorrow's a blood test, because I was in hospital recently on fluids so they need to check this enzyme in my blood...then there's a mental health appointment and this other appointment to do with this bursary thing that I might or might not have to attend...
I keep thinking maybe I should wait to be home alone but I can't predict when that will be.
It was so freeing when I attempted to run away, even though it eventually landed me in hospital. I loved seeimg the lights from the place I was staying getting further and further away. I thought that I'd never see my family again and that was so weird and freeing.
I want to take as much time as I can to reflect on my life whilst I'm at the tracks. I'm trying to turn the alone time I'll have into my motivation. I keep thinking, if I do chicken out, I could walk close to the tracks for as long as I could, just travel a bit but still have the option there.
I really don't know. I'm panicking about this but then I'd always panic about this because that's how I am. I guess I could sit in a place that is more hidden and take my time, listen to music and stab myself at my leisure, and when I'm in so much physical pain I should hopefully be willing to be hit by a train.
Maybe I could even sneak out whilst it's dark and then get a train somewhere. That would be exciting. But I'd have no idea what to do after that. I'm such a mess.
It would be quite cool to take the train, and then just read a book or listen to music or just think while I travel futher and further from my house. But then I'd end up being in some urban place and I've have no idea what to do.
If I were home alone, there would be a lot less risk but I'd be more inclined to spend the time relaxing, probably...
At night, it would be more risky but then that also makes it more exciting...
I'm so uncertain and anxious right now but I have to do something soon because everything that I come across is a trigger for my pain. Seeing another person, watching TV, hearing the phone ring, hearing people talking, thinking about the future or the past or the present...just thinking in general. Thinking triggers my pain and I can't help thinking, and there's nothing to distract me, just more painful things to think about.
I'm really worried about getting caught. My dad's started going back to work now after taking time off, though, so he'll go around 6 in the morning. Then it'll be just my mum and sister in the house. Hopefully I can grab a knife then and sneak out. I'm not sure if I'll try to stab myself to death or use a train or both. I'd rather bleed out as it seems more peaceful but then it'd be so hard to cut myself, and a lot easier to be hit by a train.
Then there's the dog. But my dad will have gone past it to go for work, so that might wake it up, and when it's awake fully then it's less likely to growl and attack.
I doubt that I'd dare to come back to the house after attempting, even if I regret it, because then my mum would probably see me and I'd probably be sectioned.
Getting out of the house is one of the main obstacles. But I'll put my music on after I get out, so it shouldn't be as scary. I seriously have no idea how it will go. If I decide to do it, I can't be certain that I won't chicken out, even when I've got there. But I know logically that death is the best option for me.
Also, I have another appointment tomorrow, which I don't intend to go to, and my mum was already super hysterical when I missed the one today. I don't want to have to deal with that shit.
There're so many appointments. One tomorrow's a blood test, because I was in hospital recently on fluids so they need to check this enzyme in my blood...then there's a mental health appointment and this other appointment to do with this bursary thing that I might or might not have to attend...
I keep thinking maybe I should wait to be home alone but I can't predict when that will be.
It was so freeing when I attempted to run away, even though it eventually landed me in hospital. I loved seeimg the lights from the place I was staying getting further and further away. I thought that I'd never see my family again and that was so weird and freeing.
I want to take as much time as I can to reflect on my life whilst I'm at the tracks. I'm trying to turn the alone time I'll have into my motivation. I keep thinking, if I do chicken out, I could walk close to the tracks for as long as I could, just travel a bit but still have the option there.
I really don't know. I'm panicking about this but then I'd always panic about this because that's how I am. I guess I could sit in a place that is more hidden and take my time, listen to music and stab myself at my leisure, and when I'm in so much physical pain I should hopefully be willing to be hit by a train.
Maybe I could even sneak out whilst it's dark and then get a train somewhere. That would be exciting. But I'd have no idea what to do after that. I'm such a mess.
It would be quite cool to take the train, and then just read a book or listen to music or just think while I travel futher and further from my house. But then I'd end up being in some urban place and I've have no idea what to do.
If I were home alone, there would be a lot less risk but I'd be more inclined to spend the time relaxing, probably...
At night, it would be more risky but then that also makes it more exciting...
I'm so uncertain and anxious right now but I have to do something soon because everything that I come across is a trigger for my pain. Seeing another person, watching TV, hearing the phone ring, hearing people talking, thinking about the future or the past or the present...just thinking in general. Thinking triggers my pain and I can't help thinking, and there's nothing to distract me, just more painful things to think about.
