jigsaw_falling
if there’s an afterlife i’ll be pissed
- Jan 25, 2023
- 70
i've been thinking about ctb for a while and that thought hasn't really gone away since the first time i've had it, the urge to die has just continued increasing.
i do have breakdowns sometimes and times where wanting to die is so intense, but recently i think i've kind of been subconsciously nearing a breaking point? like even on days where i feel 'fine', im thinking about ctb as something inevitable. i've recently started stockpiling my meds, with the intention of overdosing.
but here's the thing, it almost feels like something i'm doing on autopilot, a lot of suicidal thoughts and actions i've been having recently feel very normal and causal to me, which is very different to how much these thoughts would usually distress me, even though they're constant.
i don't know, everything's just confusing because i haven't really made any very specific plans for ctb, no proper, well thought out method, no impending deadline i have for killing myself.
but i feel like it's almost happening against my will, like a decision had already been made and it's going to happen inevitably, soon.
this was probably very rambley but i haven't been suicidal for a long time, and honestly not mentally ill for the large majority of my life (although it feels like it's been forever). so although the past 2 years of my life have been consistently unbearable, every new development in the way i feel is unexpected and new, a lot of the time.
i do have breakdowns sometimes and times where wanting to die is so intense, but recently i think i've kind of been subconsciously nearing a breaking point? like even on days where i feel 'fine', im thinking about ctb as something inevitable. i've recently started stockpiling my meds, with the intention of overdosing.
but here's the thing, it almost feels like something i'm doing on autopilot, a lot of suicidal thoughts and actions i've been having recently feel very normal and causal to me, which is very different to how much these thoughts would usually distress me, even though they're constant.
i don't know, everything's just confusing because i haven't really made any very specific plans for ctb, no proper, well thought out method, no impending deadline i have for killing myself.
but i feel like it's almost happening against my will, like a decision had already been made and it's going to happen inevitably, soon.
this was probably very rambley but i haven't been suicidal for a long time, and honestly not mentally ill for the large majority of my life (although it feels like it's been forever). so although the past 2 years of my life have been consistently unbearable, every new development in the way i feel is unexpected and new, a lot of the time.
