think I should die

[saYori2l_ve]

I'm completely lost. I don't understand who I am now, I don't remember what my past was like and I try not to think about the future, otherwise I'll start crying again. I'm at the point where it's not clear what to do and where to fix it. right now even the simplest things are hard for me, and it's incredibly hard for me to write, because I have no strength at all. I don't understand my emotions. when I cry or laugh I don't feel something inside, just a hole filled with something I don't understand. I do not understand why I want to cry sharply to laugh or facial expressions show surprise at random moments even without reason. feelings as if the soul was torn out of the body and let fly and watch from the outside for the body. it seems to me that all things happen involuntarily for example, communicating with people the feeling that I just disconnect and instead of my own self says some other person controls the body as if a puppet and power in their own hands comes only when alone with myself. Looking in the mirror it's just hard to believe that this organism in the mirror is my own body and sometimes lose control of it. i almost stopped sleeping, i have no appetite and no motivation or desire to continue to exist. i constantly feel like my problems are devalued, then i'm sure of it, then a second later i think i made it all up. i want to disappear and be forgotten by everyone as if i never existed. I tried to ctb at 19, wrote suicide notes, but it didn't work. It was too scary, too painful to think about others. at that point, hysteria/psychosis and complete helplessness set in. i live in my own made up world of hallucinations, derealization, confused thoughts, self-hatred and self-loathing. i must have been tired when i was born. i don't want to hurt myself or others anymore. i think i will soon start looking for a better way to ctb. see where it all leads.
Thank you so much for reading this, i think i feel a little better.

 

[zrh389]

I'm sorry to hear that. How old are you now?
Do you find anything meaningful to do?

 

[Wormfood]

Can relate