Story Things that are helping

[SanJunipero1]

Hey everyone,
Haven't been on the site in quite a while and dare I say things have been... ok this past month. I don't think it's down to one single thing but rather a combination which I wanted to share here I'm case any of this stuff can help someone else.
Quick background for those that don't know, my fiancé took his own life last August and I tried to take mine as a result of his loss in May.
After the deathiversary I made a couple of decisions:
1) I have cut out from my life anyone who doesn't make me want to live.
2) I just expect everything to go to shit now so don't get disappointed when it does.
3) Per the above, I now just view my life as one big cosmic joke and write about it as such. I'm writing a play about my experiences so my shitty existence is basically material for my show.
4) I've been microdosing truffles.
5) I have started EMDR therapy.

I still would rather be dead but I am no longer actively suicidal, I have way more energy, I sleep better, eat better, leave the house and can have fun.

I hope some of that might be helpful and happy to answer any questions if anyone wants to know more.

 

[Chupacabra 44]

Hey everyone,
Haven't been on the site in quite a while and dare I say things have been... ok this past month. I don't think it's down to one single thing but rather a combination which I wanted to share here I'm case any of this stuff can help someone else.
Quick background for those that don't know, my fiancé took his own life last August and I tried to take mine as a result of his loss in May.
After the deathiversary I made a couple of decisions:
1) I have cut out from my life anyone who doesn't make me want to live.
2) I just expect everything to go to shit now so don't get disappointed when it does.
3) Per the above, I now just view my life as one big cosmic joke and write about it as such. I'm writing a play about my experiences so my shitty existence is basically material for my show.
4) I've been microdosing truffles.
5) I have started EMDR therapy.

I still would rather be dead but I am no longer actively suicidal, I have way more energy, I sleep better, eat better, leave the house and can have fun.

I hope some of that might be helpful and happy to answer any questions if anyone wants to know more.

Would you mind sharing your opinions on the EMDR and the microdosing? I'm considering both for myself and would like to hear your opinions.

Thanks.

 

[BipolarGuy]

What's EMDR and microdosing?

 

[Chupacabra 44]

What's EMDR and microdosing?

I'm last person to try and explain it, but this makes it easy to understand EMDR -

RhymeZone: Use emdr in a sentence

What's EMDR and microdosing?

Take a look at the first two sentences or so of this attachment for microdosing -

A systematic study of microdosing psychedelics

The phenomenon of ‘microdosing’, that is, regular ingestion of very small quantities of psychedelic substances, has seen a rapid explosion of popularity in recent years. Individuals who microdose report minimal acute effects from these substances yet claim a range of long-term general health and...

journals.plos.org

 

[Sinkinshyp]

Hey everyone,
Haven't been on the site in quite a while and dare I say things have been... ok this past month. I don't think it's down to one single thing but rather a combination which I wanted to share here I'm case any of this stuff can help someone else.
Quick background for those that don't know, my fiancé took his own life last August and I tried to take mine as a result of his loss in May.
After the deathiversary I made a couple of decisions:
1) I have cut out from my life anyone who doesn't make me want to live.
2) I just expect everything to go to shit now so don't get disappointed when it does.
3) Per the above, I now just view my life as one big cosmic joke and write about it as such. I'm writing a play about my experiences so my shitty existence is basically material for my show.
4) I've been microdosing truffles.
5) I have started EMDR therapy.

I still would rather be dead but I am no longer actively suicidal, I have way more energy, I sleep better, eat better, leave the house and can have fun.

I hope some of that might be helpful and happy to answer any questions if anyone wants to know more.

I'm happy to hear things are getting better for you. I'm so very sorry for the death of your fiancé. I lost my son in a car accident. They say for the first 2 yrs after a significant loss don't make any important decisions and grief is the worst. I'm going on 3 yrs without my son and it's getting worse. You will always have that part of your heart for your fiancé. I've read grief is all the love we have for that person and cannot share it with them. The greater the love the deeper the grief. Having love and lost your fiancé, having them always in your heart you will always feel some level of pain and grief for their absence. I hope in the future you are able to let someone else into your heart. I hope your continued path of recovery is successful.

I'm going to look at EMDR and this microdosing stuff. I our friend chupracabra 44 posted a reply. Quick view micro dosing isn't possible for me- lack ofknowing where to get it and random urines at pain mgmt grrr.

 

[SanJunipero1]

Would you mind sharing your opinions on the EMDR and the microdosing? I'm considering both for myself and would like to hear your opinions.

Thanks.

For sure.
The microdosing I've been doing for about 3 weeks now. I take one gram of magic truffles every three days and will be doing so for two months. I'm still not 100% certain it's working or just the placebeo effect but I don't really care what helps as long as it does. You don't actually "feel" anything and the main benefit is there are absolutely no side effects. About a week and half into taking them, I noticed that all my physical symptoms of PTSD were subsiding, I started eating better which meant I started sleeping better which meant I had more energy. This is turn has allowed me to start a bit of a routine whereby I go for an hour walk every morning and then write for an hour or so when I get back.

The EMDR I have just started. After surprise, surprise being absolutely fucked over by the NHS, I did extensive research and concluded I was probablly suffering from something called complicated grief disorder which is a form of PTSD. EMDR has been proven to be one of the most effective treatments for PTSD and so I set about looking for a therapist who had experience of using EMDR to treat complicated grief disorder. I "interviewed" about 10 therapist before settling on one who had the experience I wanted and most importantly sounded cool and seemed to get me. It's pretty brutal if I'm being completely honest and if you're suicidal you'll need stabilizing (like I did) before you can really dive in but effectively, it's a therapy based on eye movement which reprocesses your memories so that the trauma is effectively lifted from them so you can recall stuff without getting hit by flashbacks and all the awful physical effects you get when you're body goes into fight, flight or freeze mode. If you're interested in trauma, I highly recommend reading The Body Keeps The Score.

I'm happy to hear things are getting better for you. I'm so very sorry for the death of your fiancé. I lost my son in a car accident. They say for the first 2 yrs after a significant loss don't make any important decisions and grief is the worst. I'm going on 3 yrs without my son and it's getting worse. You will always have that part of your heart for your fiancé. I've read grief is all the love we have for that person and cannot share it with them. The greater the love the deeper the grief. Having love and lost your fiancé, having them always in your heart you will always feel some level of pain and grief for their absence. I hope in the future you are able to let someone else into your heart. I hope your continued path of recovery is successful.

I'm going to look at EMDR and this microdosing stuff. I our friend chupracabra 44 posted a reply. Quick view micro dosing isn't possible for me- lack ofknowing where to get it and random urines at pain mgmt grrr.

Thank you and I'm so very sorry for your loss also. I'm obviously way behind you but I know what you mean about it getting worse. Society has all the expectations around grief and moving on which I don't think help at all, in fact, I know they don't and have contributed to me getting retraumatised all over again when people have abandoned me for being "too much" and "not moving on" etc. It's insane, there is no timeframe for grief. It stays with you forever and if we were allowed to be openly honest about all the ways in which it fucks us over, it might be easier to manage. I'm never going to be with anyone else, we were soulmates and I would rather be alone the rest of my life than with the wrong person. I also wouldn't want to put that on anyone else, being my number two. That aspect I am honestly fine with, it's again, society that has a problem with wanting me to just replace my love, as if such a thing were possible when you've found the other half of your entire being.

 

[SanJunipero1]

Well you can go ahead and ignore all of the above coz I'm right back in the mother fucking hole, desperate to die.

 

[thethatsitboy]

Well you can go ahead and ignore all of the above coz I'm right back in the mother fucking hole, desperate to die.

I'm sorry for you. If you still feel the desire to get out of this, try other things or some of the things you tried that maybe was helpful. I would love to be the person with this solution for you and for me. I just hope you'll get better. And this for myself too. I hope life won't lead we to the end soon. But, who knows?

You can pm me if it would be helpful!