Thanks for asking. I had less SI the last few days, but I am still sad, maybe even more sad than usual. I'm also bored of this hospital, the surveillance, the routine. I'd like to get out from here and have some time alone before I start my new job in September, but I don't think that'll happen.
That is so sad to hear...Yeah Ket does that thing where you kinda dissolve into the world around or into yourself, sorry to hear you had a bad expirience, hope next session will be more pleasurableThanks for the heads-up.
I had a new session yesterday, and I would easily describe that as one of the most terrifying experience in my entire life. It was even worse than my previous bad trip.
I had the strongest derealization symptom ever. It made me sad because as everything was unreal, so were my family and my friend. A doctor came in at one point, and I felt like he was part of the simulation. One section of my brain knew I was just tripping because of ketamine and that it wouldn't last, but the rest of it was boiling and was persuaded this state was my new life from now on. I had less visual hallucinations than last time, but light and sounds were unbearable and very distorted. Had trouble breathing (probably because of the stress). It really felt like dying or experiencing death.
After a while, the effects started to fade out and only left me with nausea. I was hungry like never before, and I ate the hospital's meal tray like a horse. But very soon later, a second wave of ketamine stroke (I still don't explain why, this never happened to me in any previous session). This extra trip was short but very intense. It's best described as a deeply-nested déjà vu. I was living this scene of the nurse checking my vitals in the exact same position and manner for the 1000th time, therefore I thought I was back in the simulation and would never get out. I was suffering. After she checked on me, I took the nurse's hand in mine and it was weird because Ketamine is an anesthesic (so it felt like she had 7 fingers or something), but this tiny corridor to reality felt comforting and helped at diminishing my stress until the effects stopped.
Well, I'm not sure I want to try ketamine again. I know the trip is highly suggestible, but this was out of control. And again, I'm skeptical this is helpful because I don't think my issue is biological.
I tried ketamine for my constant suicidal ideation, and it didn't no shit. It won't change the situation you're in if that's contributing to making you suicidal.
Foreword: If you don't want to read all the context, I'd really like hearing from you if:
Thank you in advance
- You used Ketamine in auto-medication (with Ketamine you sourced illegally). / How did you do it? What safety measures did you take? Did it work? Etc…
- You have specific knowledge on the differences between medical Ketamine (Spravato®) and Ketamine from the streets. How are they different? Will street Ketamine be as likely to be efficient against depression as Spravato®? Etc…
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So, it seems that my recent adventure with the emergency has given my name huge a boost on their ketamine protocol waitlist. The hospital just contacted me to start it on early September. Unfortunately, the protocol begins with a week long hospitalization and I'm supposed to start my new job at the exact same moment, therefore that won't be possible without postponing one or the other. I'm also worried that they'll want me to take SSRIs again (allegedly to potentiate the effect of Ketamine, but I'd like to see some relevant studies showing this potentiation actually exists when SSRIs have no effect in the first place).
I had plans to CTB in August before starting my new job, and I don't think I'll be able to postpone that too much if my current mental state remains like that. So it gave me an idea: what if I sourced Ketamine by myself (illegally) and tried it in auto-medication to see if it has any positive effect? It is said to alleviate depression symptoms and especially suicidal thoughts in just a matter of hours. Almost sounds like a Pascal's wager to me isn't it? Negative outcomes: it doesn't work, or I get scammed, or receive a low quality/hazardous product, then I'll CTB anyways if my brain isn't too damaged for that which would be very unlucky. Positive outcome: it has some efficiency, and I can continue the Ketamine protocol through the official ways (which means I won't have to source Ketamine from shady sources forever anyways). I'll need to watch out for dosages and do the thing as responsibly as possible given the context. And also try to find a reliable source which seems like the hardest part (as I never did drugs in my entire life).
I'm not thinking very clearly TBH, so I'd appreciate your opinions and advices on this. I'm also interested in your experience with auto-medicated ketamine, or specific or unspecific knowledge you might have on this topic. Any other contribution/appréciation/support is also welcome of course. I'll probably also have a chat with my psychiatrist (I can foresee what she's going to say though).
Thanks all!
Got another this morning, and thanks to the lower dose and the anxiolytic, it went nice. We're planning on maintaining this strategy for the next sessions.
Yeah, that's what I profoundly don't understand with drugs to treat depression in general. Sure I've felt 1% better and 10% less suicidal and it might be thanks to Ketamine, but the actual situation really hasn't changed. No wonder why they have to make frequent maintenance doses, such artificial effect is bound to be ephemeral. It alters your brain's chemicals (which are perfectly healthy), and that may temporarily change your perspectives on reality, but reality is still reality. I can't do anything with this life…
