Venting They just don't care, don't they?

[lokiis8]

Today I finally realised that I'm alone. It's a long story but it's mainly my fault, out of bad decisions that led me to be here, with very few friends, some of them online. I don't blame anything, nor my looks (at least, I've been getting out of body dysmorphia lol), nor society, not even my family, at least, I don't blame my fam completely.

Today, however, I realised how alone I got. I realised that I got no one, no one that would consider me to be their special friend. No one that would listen to me and not consider me an attention seeker, even though I'm literally dying within myself and my own paranoid and depressed mind and I'm tired of pushing through, after being internalised for almost two years in a mental institution and after going through heartbreak after heartbreak (especially, a recent one born out of a fwb that made me feel finally understood and happy, like all that suffering was worth it), after having done so many bad decisions that led to all of these awful situations and growing up and having to deal with psychosis, I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting with myself. And I'm tired of fighting with the external world too. I'm simply sad, I'm not able anymore to cope with this shit man. I'm not even able to form meaningful sentences rn just this stupid and cringey stream of consciousness jesus christ

I'm even scared of posting this here because maybe people will think I'm somewhat of attention seeker, idk.

There was this girl, however, as I mentioned earlier, she made me feel like that I wasn't alone for the first time ever, not even previous failed relationships made me feel like that. I was able to connect with her on a deeper level, we were almost the same person. But stuff happened, long story short, she isn't gone and I'm dying because I've never wanted to know that feeling, of happiness, of being understood and not told that I'm just a whiney piece of shit, of finally being close to someone that didn't treat me like shit. And I realised how much I can't cope anymore with being this alone. I've been self isolating again. I've been not talking consistently with anyone. I realised that I'm alone. And it hurts more than ever because now I know what it feels like not being alone and treated right. What I wanna say is that I wanted to be better for her and not do what I did. She wasn't toxic but stuff happened and it's my fault OK lol now im really becoming incapable of formulating a coherent speech fr

 

[Torabol]

I don't think in terms of being an attention seeker or not, being a whiner or not. Your post belongs here. Glad to have you around too.

Being lonely is terrible, we could go on and list so many things it harms. It's a terrible place to be, especially when one already suffers due to mental health problems. Especially when it is exacerbated by a recent breakup. Not sure how much this will help you, or if at all, but every person I've known eventually had a period of extreme loneliness

You have no obligation to continuously push forward, maybe it's actually time to stay temporarily dormant and recoup.

I think the younger generation is also facing issues stemming from society. You are not given pathways that organically lead to socialisation. I'd be pretty skeptical of anyone trying to blame you for your situation

If you find it helpful, socialise with us here on SaSu. The community is very understanding, and we might be able to kill some time together

 

[lokiis8]

I don't think in terms of being an attention seeker or not, being a whiner or not. Your post belongs here. Glad to have you around too.

Being lonely is terrible, we could go on and list so many things it harms. It's a terrible place to be, especially when one already suffers due to mental health problems. Especially when it is exacerbated by a recent breakup. Not sure how much this will help you, or if at all, but every person I've known eventually had a period of extreme loneliness

You have no obligation to continuously push forward, maybe it's actually time to stay temporarily dormant and recoup.

I think the younger generation is also facing issues stemming from society. You are not given pathways that organically lead to socialisation. I'd be pretty skeptical of anyone trying to blame you for your situation

If you find it helpful, socialise with us here on SaSu. The community is very understanding, and we might be able to kill some time together

I'm kinda used to go through periods of loneliness, my worst was years ago where I wouldn't go out for a lot, like months. That, luckily, is past me. However, there's still phases where I'm alone and I would say that my life tended to be that way. But you seem to understand :) and perhaps you went through something similar but I hope not.

Thank you for your kind words, bud. I really, really appreciate them as my "rants" were always seen in that way I described– whining.
Socialising whilst being in anguish is really difficult, not talking about how Im suffering and having to bottle up with my toxic friends is hard asf as well, and I hope this place could become some sort of "comfort" and way to relate to other humans. So yeah, really thank you for being understanding I'll hang around
Or maybe hang myself who knows lol

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand feeling so tired of existing here, I know that for so many people loneliness is painful and hard to deal with, to me existing truly is so dreadful.

 

[bluebird16]

I just wanted to say that I can't do this anymore.

 

[Baron]

I've never felt understood, because I never tried to be understood. I don't think I will encounter someone who understand me or cares about me and If I do, there is no way it's genuine, because there is always some ulterior background involved. Or maybe I am just deluding myself into this way of thinking, maybe all of my thoughts are wrong, instigated by my fucked up mind. I don't know if being not alone is better, since I never experienced any deep relationship. Basically what I want to say is, that there is no reason for craving something that won't last. It's like getting a pet, when it dies you're heartbroken. So just don't get anything, don't attach yourself to anything and you'll never be hurt. Maybe I'm just overthinking this...

 

[lokiis8]

I understand feeling so tired of existing here, I know that for so many people loneliness is painful and hard to deal with, to me existing truly is so dreadful.

This resonates with me a lot. If anything, existing becomes harder and more dreadful by the day...

I've never felt understood, because I never tried to be understood. I don't think I will encounter someone who understand me or cares about me and If I do, there is no way it's genuine, because there is always some ulterior background involved. Or maybe I am just deluding myself into this way of thinking, maybe all of my thoughts are wrong, instigated by my fucked up mind. I don't know if being not alone is better, since I never experienced any deep relationship. Basically what I want to say is, that there is no reason for craving something that won't last. It's like getting a pet, when it dies you're heartbroken. So just don't get anything, don't attach yourself to anything and you'll never be hurt. Maybe I'm just overthinking this...

This is basically the thought process I had whilst being with this girl, that it was all probably lie and it prompted me into acting in a certain way that made me losing her, especially due to my insecurities. I think that you may encounter someone that will make you feel understood and it's important not to overthink things :(. But yea, you're also right about the not attaching thing, I think it's the best approach, getting too attached doesn't end well

I just wanted to say that I can't do this anymore.

You OK bucko?

 

[peelingbananas]

I've never felt understood, because I never tried to be understood. I don't think I will encounter someone who understand me or cares about me and If I do, there is no way it's genuine, because there is always some ulterior background involved. Or maybe I am just deluding myself into this way of thinking, maybe all of my thoughts are wrong, instigated by my fucked up mind. I don't know if being not alone is better, since I never experienced any deep relationship. Basically what I want to say is, that there is no reason for craving something that won't last. It's like getting a pet, when it dies you're heartbroken. So just don't get anything, don't attach yourself to anything and you'll never be hurt. Maybe I'm just overthinking this...

this makes sense. i can see where you're coming from with the thing about not attaching yourself to anything. though personally i'd still do it. the reason is, past all the hurt that will inevitably come, you'll find that you can look back on old memories and feel happiness from it. there's good and bad, so savour the good while it lasts, and then remember how you felt back then when it's over! nothing lasts forever, including life itself, so cherish what time you have these things for. yk?

Today I finally realised that I'm alone. It's a long story but it's mainly my fault, out of bad decisions that led me to be here, with very few friends, some of them online. I don't blame anything, nor my looks (at least, I've been getting out of body dysmorphia lol), nor society, not even my family, at least, I don't blame my fam completely.

Today, however, I realised how alone I got. I realised that I got no one, no one that would consider me to be their special friend. No one that would listen to me and not consider me an attention seeker, even though I'm literally dying within myself and my own paranoid and depressed mind and I'm tired of pushing through, after being internalised for almost two years in a mental institution and after going through heartbreak after heartbreak (especially, a recent one born out of a fwb that made me feel finally understood and happy, like all that suffering was worth it), after having done so many bad decisions that led to all of these awful situations and growing up and having to deal with psychosis, I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting with myself. And I'm tired of fighting with the external world too. I'm simply sad, I'm not able anymore to cope with this shit man. I'm not even able to form meaningful sentences rn just this stupid and cringey stream of consciousness jesus christ

I'm even scared of posting this here because maybe people will think I'm somewhat of attention seeker, idk.

There was this girl, however, as I mentioned earlier, she made me feel like that I wasn't alone for the first time ever, not even previous failed relationships made me feel like that. I was able to connect with her on a deeper level, we were almost the same person. But stuff happened, long story short, she isn't gone and I'm dying because I've never wanted to know that feeling, of happiness, of being understood and not told that I'm just a whiney piece of shit, of finally being close to someone that didn't treat me like shit. And I realised how much I can't cope anymore with being this alone. I've been self isolating again. I've been not talking consistently with anyone. I realised that I'm alone. And it hurts more than ever because now I know what it feels like not being alone and treated right. What I wanna say is that I wanted to be better for her and not do what I did. She wasn't toxic but stuff happened and it's my fault OK lol now im really becoming incapable of formulating a coherent speech fr

don't beat yourself up so much! it's not cringe to be verbose and detailed, it just gives us a better understanding of how you feel. when we have mindsets like this it can tend to sever relationships we make, and it's really sad when it happens. but there is a future. if you ever need to talk i'll have pms open, at least after today due to the limit. i hope you can pull yourself out of this, i have faith in you.

 

[lokiis8]

don't beat yourself up so much! it's not cringe to be verbose and detailed, it just gives us a better understanding of how you feel. when we have mindsets like this it can tend to sever relationships we make, and it's really sad when it happens. but there is a future. if you ever need to talk i'll have pms open, at least after today due to the limit. i hope you can pull yourself out of this, i have faith in you.

I'm sorry for the delayed reply but I'm also dealing with physical pain and it makes it difficult to write at times. Also diff timezone lol. But I honestly don't know, yeah it's not cringe but I'm still not used to not getting called cringe after writing down a paragraph. Not even to replies that aren't just two words.

so yea. I was pleasantly surprised. And thank u, I just hope not to be annoying if I text u :'

 

[peelingbananas]

so yea. I was pleasantly surprised. And thank u, I just hope not to be annoying if I text u :'

no worries! i promise you won't be annoying, i really don't mind! anything that helps :)