These burning lights will be out by morning. (My goodbye post)

[1234dave]

Has it thrown you back into acute withdrawal?

I'm the same, I've been abusing my body, knowing I'm going to ctb, I had no fear before. But now I've got anxiety as I'm back in acute and can't find the courage anymore. It's fucked

 

[BurningLights]

Sorry @Kooz I've been raging on about the night night method, it's just to finicky, but I think I have myself to blame, I do wish I had bought the bean bags, who knows, that might have worked slot better than my setup. ( Hopefully some learns from my journey) I still think it's a great method, I probably just buggered it up :/ Been playing about with partial, I think I've found the perfect height, I don't wanna jinx it, but it's given me the drive to try again.
Thank you all
I'm gonna go shower and get some smokes, have more of a tidy up, if anything not doing it last night was a good thing, I've managed to get my numbers back from Google, bit not full account access.
However this means I can send a delayed message now. Maybe it was blessing in disguise.
As it stands, I'm basically copying yesterday, except no pizza, I got some cookies in the cupboard. That'll fucking do. Oh, and a mince pie.
Round 2. Ding ding.

 

[lv-gras]

Absolutely no need to feel embarrassed, this has happened to each and every one of us here, I'd wager.

more than once sometimes

 

[BurningLights]

Wait, I can't send messages, fuck me and my memory...
Also, this a place of sanctuary, away from the hell that is normal life. Please, anyone reading this, don't bring bullshit politics and playground games here. There's enough that shit out there all ready, we come here to escape the stresses of normal life. Please don't make this place stressful. Please.

 

[weedoge]

Wait, I can't send messages, fuck me and my memory...
Also, this a place of sanctuary, away from the hell that is normal life. Please, anyone reading this, don't bring bullshit politics and playground games here. There's enough that shit out there all ready, we come here to escape the stresses of normal life. Please don't make this place stressful. Please.

I just saw this post so I'm really sorry to say it but glad I caught you. Don't apologise or anything please and sorry you're going through this right now, times are really hard for sure.

 

[Cyanide]

Dear BurningLights, I'm sorry that unfortunately your attempt to CTB failed. Please don't be embarrassed about it, such things happen with many of us several times, you can freely express yourself here. Don't worry, just take care of yourself and just try again if you want to, we all learn from our mistakes. May peace be with you. I've never talked to you, sorry for that. Thanks for making sanctioned-suicide.com a better place and best of luck. If you ever wanna talk, please feel free to DM/PM/whatever it is called. I'll also be watching this thread.

Now that you're at it, order a glass of water for me, I don't drink liquor (I'm 16 BTW)

P.S. I suck at writing, sorry.

 

[lv-gras]

hugs

there are almost no words

just hugs

 

[TiredHorse]

Thank you guys, I'm so embarrassed this has happened.

I am so sorry, BurningLights --not that you didn't ctb, exactly, because I admit that I'll be sad to see you go, but because you have to feel the comedown after an attempt. It's awful. I tried three Mondays in a row, and right now, almost two weeks after my last try, I'm still exhausted and wrung out. It feels bloody awful.

But please don't feel embarassed. It isn't like it's a personal or moral failing; you just have a strong survival instinct that's making itself a damned nuisance.

For whatever it's worth, if you think you might find comfort in calling that crisis team, I'd tell you to go for it. It might be worth a shot. I don't think anyone here would prefer death over being happy in life, and if you want to explore a new avenue toward that happiness, more power to you.

In the meantime, take care of yourself. Be kind and gentle and compassionate to you; you're hurting, and beating yourself up won't make the situation any better, either for catching the next bus or for walking away from the bus stop. Take a little while to catch your breath. Imagine yourself floating, buoyed by the good wishes of everyone here at ss. This place is, indeed, a sanctuary.

I'll likely not be around ss very much for the next while, I need to take some time apart from it, but I had to offer you my best wishes and hopes for you. From what I can tell you're a damn good person, and I hope you can find your way to peace one way or another.

 

[Retched]

It's all ok. I hope that you find your peace, whatever way that may be.

 

[BurningLights]

Well time is ticking, I've accomplished very little, I did get my smokes though, I'm having somewhat of contemplative time, I've switched from alcohol to weed for tonight, I was too, excited last night, if that's the right word?
Now I'm on a downer, not sure how to get motivated. It feels like groundhog day, just a different mood, feels strange.
You have all comforted me so much, thankvyou, I shall take your warm embrace with me for eternity.
Not long now

 

[meowcat]

Well time is ticking, I've accomplished very little, I did get my smokes though, I'm having somewhat of contemplative time, I've switched from alcohol to weed for tonight, I was too, excited last night, if that's the right word?
Now I'm on a downer, not sure how to get motivated. It feels like groundhog day, just a different mood, feels strange.
You have all comforted me so much, thankvyou, I shall take your warm embrace with me for eternity.
Not long now

Hey Man.
Whenever it happens,it happens.
And if it does'nt or for some reason you don't feel like going through it,then please give yourself a break.
It's okay.
Me I'm glad you're still here.

 

[ctoan]

night night method doesnt work guys

maybe theoretically but in reality...

 

[Roulette]

Sorry to hear about your unfortunate dilemma to exit, but nonetheless you're always a welcome addition to this place ♥

 

[lv-gras]

Hey Man.
Whenever it happens,it happens.
And if it does'nt or for some reason you don't feel like going through it,then please give yourself a break.
It's okay.
Me I'm glad you're still here.

seconds

 

[BurningLights]

Not gonna lie, having second thoughts now, I feel like I'm leaning in to the garden of Life rather than death.
This while build up, all the planning, the let downs, the heartache the complete fuckyness of it all. But as write that, I remind myself why I'm doing this .
I'm going to watch a film, its called the eye

'A woman receives an eye transplant that allows her to see into the supernatural world'
Quite fitting I think. Then I'll see how I feel.
I'm thinking, I've got 2 choices.
1. CTB (obviously, duh)
2. Confess everything to...someone, my whole plan, all the prep, (nothing about this place of course) and maybe get bailed out of the shit show I've created. And or sectioned. Tough choice really. Hmmm....
Peace for now

 

[lv-gras]

Not gonna lie, having second thoughts now, I feel like I'm leaning in to the garden of Life rather than death.
This while build up, all the planning, the let downs, the heartache the complete fuckyness of it all. But as write that, I remind myself why I'm doing this .
I'm going to watch a film, its called the eye

'A woman receives an eye transplant that allows her to see into the supernatural world'
Quite fitting I think. Then I'll see how I feel.
I'm thinking, I've got 2 choices.
1. CTB (obviously, duh)
2. Confess everything to...someone, my whole plan, all the prep, (nothing about this place of course) and maybe get bailed out of the shit show I've created. And or sectioned. Tough choice really. Hmmm....
Peace for now

or 3, not sure you have to admit everything, if the consequences would suck for you

 

[BurningLights]

or 3, not sure you have to admit everything

I dunno dude, I dunno if I come back from this, I've chucked everything bar the bare minimum and my posessions, I don't know if I CAN carry on like nothings happened. Its all piling up you know. Something's gotta give.

 

[1234dave]

Not gonna lie, having second thoughts now, I feel like I'm leaning in to the garden of Life rather than death.
This while build up, all the planning, the let downs, the heartache the complete fuckyness of it all. But as write that, I remind myself why I'm doing this .
I'm going to watch a film, its called the eye

'A woman receives an eye transplant that allows her to see into the supernatural world'
Quite fitting I think. Then I'll see how I feel.
I'm thinking, I've got 2 choices.
1. CTB (obviously, duh)
2. Confess everything to...someone, my whole plan, all the prep, (nothing about this place of course) and maybe get bailed out of the shit show I've created. And or sectioned. Tough choice really. Hmmm....
Peace for now

If you are in two minds do.not.do it, simple as that.

I didn't mean to sound all pro life mate. I understand emotional switches and its such a bitch to wrap your head around.

 

[BurningLights]

I've been stalling writing this, I don't know why.
I have decided to not CTB tonight,
Basically, im fucking exhausted after all of this. All I want to do is curl up in bed, but I can't, cos all my stuff is piled up on it. The sofa ain't too bad though :/
I had a very deep DMT trip earlier and now I'm questioning things, on top of all you guys amazing support..well, it all adds up. Unless I tell someone then I still have to ctb, I have untill the end of the month, so got a few more days. I've got a lot of pieces to pick up, and still at high risk of being found out, I really don't want to have put everything back only to move all again in a few days. Predicaments, will have to wing it.
This has been one fucking rollercoaster of emotions. I'm grateful for everyone here, your kindness and wisdom is...overwhelming at times. I'm gonna hang about, adding comments here and there. Thank you kind souls, I'm sure you will find your when the time is right.
Peace for now, and don't forget, the bars always open in the 4th dimension

 

[bigj75]

night night method doesnt work guys

maybe theoretically but in reality...

Idk man. It worked for one guy and Burninglights said he got it to the point where he could make himself passout but i don't think he completely ready to finish yet.

 

[Chinaski]

I've been stalling writing this, I don't know why.
I have decided to not CTB tonight,
Basically, im fucking exhausted after all of this. All I want to do is curl up in bed, but I can't, cos all my stuff is piled up on it. The sofa ain't too bad though :/
I had a very deep DMT trip earlier and now I'm questioning things, on top of all you guys amazing support..well, it all adds up. Unless I tell someone then I still have to ctb, I have untill the end of the month, so got a few more days. I've got a lot of pieces to pick up, and still at high risk of being found out, I really don't want to have put everything back only to move all again in a few days. Predicaments, will have to wing it.
This has been one fucking rollercoaster of emotions. I'm grateful for everyone here, your kindness and wisdom is...overwhelming at times. I'm gonna hang about, adding comments here and there. Thank you kind souls, I'm sure you will find your when the time is right.
Peace for now, and don't forget, the bars always open in the 4th dimension

It's draining. I too have experienced nights of traumatising failure, as if some cosmic conspiracy is determined to make me stay. Absolutely exhausting on every level, physically and emotionally shattering. I think you're probably doing the right thing taking the night off. Go well.

 

[BurningLights]

Idk man. It worked for one guy and Burninglights said he got it to the point where he could make himself passout but i don't think he completely ready to finish yet.

I must have missed this comment, thank you for highlighting it. By no means does my failure indicate that the night night method doesn't work. I made it too complicated which gave it a very wide margin for error. I should have started with bean bags, with all practice I've had, I can imagine the bean bags being very...how do I say...user friendly. I didn't explore every avenue, and to be fair, skipped over the main factor in its success rate.
Also your right @bigj75 I wasnt 100% ready.

Things changed, since doing the DMT my outlook has been skewered more than usual, i have faced hurdles I was not expecting....Oh what a wicked web we weave.
Peace

 

[Moony21]

Hi, I don't know you but I wish u all the best :-)

 

[1234dave]

But you sound like me and your moods change quickly, and

I've been stalling writing this, I don't know why.
I have decided to not CTB tonight,
Basically, im fucking exhausted after all of this. All I want to do is curl up in bed, but I can't, cos all my stuff is piled up on it. The sofa ain't too bad though :/
I had a very deep DMT trip earlier and now I'm questioning things, on top of all you guys amazing support..well, it all adds up. Unless I tell someone then I still have to ctb, I have untill the end of the month, so got a few more days. I've got a lot of pieces to pick up, and still at high risk of being found out, I really don't want to have put everything back only to move all again in a few days. Predicaments, will have to wing it.
This has been one fucking rollercoaster of emotions. I'm grateful for everyone here, your kindness and wisdom is...overwhelming at times. I'm gonna hang about, adding comments here and there. Thank you kind souls, I'm sure you will find your when the time is right.
Peace for now, and don't forget, the bars always open in the 4th dimension

you classy bas**ard with that tune! Love it

Good to take a step back and eflect

 

[BurningLights]

It popped into my head as I was writing it, originally heard on the film the warriors, loved it the moment I heard it :) one of my top rated films as well.

 

[Chinaski]

It popped into my head as I was writing it, originally heard on the film the warriors, loved it the moment I heard it :) one of my top rated films as well.

The whole soundtrack to that is superb, including Barry De Vorzon's original theme music.

 

[bigj75]

I must have missed this comment, thank you for highlighting it. By no means does my failure indicate that the night night method doesn't work. I made it too complicated which gave it a very wide margin for error. I should have started with bean bags, with all practice I've had, I can imagine the bean bags being very...how do I say...user friendly. I didn't explore every avenue, and to be fair, skipped over the main factor in its success rate.
Also your right @bigj75 I wasnt 100% ready.

Things changed, since doing the DMT my outlook has been skewered more than usual, i have faced hurdles I was not expecting....Oh what a wicked web we weave.
Peace

What was the main factor in its success rate?

 

[Dor]

Friend if you wan't to opt out there is absolutely no shame. I might get banned from here for saying this, hope not, but for every time someone here chooses life I will be happy. Unless you're a child molester, which I know you aren't.

 

[BurningLights]

Friend if you wan't to opt out there is absolutely no shame. I might get banned from here for saying this, hope not, but for every time someone here chooses life I will be happy. Unless you're a child molester, which I know you aren't.

I appreciate that, as long as your not a pro lifer causing trouble, freedom of speech applies greatly here, and pro choice as I'm aware is completely acceptable.
Just my observations. Anyone feel free to correct me.

 

[BurningLights]

The whole soundtrack to that is superb, including Barry De Vorzon's original theme music.

It certainly is, in fact, I'm going to have to watch it now.