Venting there's too many factors to overcoming this nightmare

[uselessflesh]

okay, say something bad, urgent, terrible befalls me on a whim. i need to end my life quickly before i can think falsely for a moment afterwards that there's hope, before the possibility of si can even come to mind. what method would i even have if half of them are locked away from easy access or just don't work? i'll just strangle myself right then and there. but that won't work because i need a constant pressure. but i can't have a constant pressure because i don't even have the minimal resources required to provide that. so i'll try hanging. but there's nowhere stable enough in this house to support my weight nor access to a rope or knowledge of where a gun is and even then, fear of that ever so slim chance of failing knowing my luck. so then what? by the time i've exhausted all of my ideas, it's too late and i let cowardice take me over again, thus delaying my pitiful attempt in ending it. repeating the cycle until more torturous events occur in my life and the urges get me nowhere. my heart hurts, physically, to where it's getting harder to breathe. it screams in despair and no one is around to hear its cries. i'm really trapped here.
this must be why a long-term plan is so effective, like years far into the future, isn't it. i can't even get a job to even attempt SN if i do ever successfully access it. even then how the fuck would i stomach it if i can't even handle most foods. how the fuck am i going to wait that long for it to just do its thing without regretting it? why was i put here against my own volition with nothing to just opt out of it instantly and why must the possibility of pain be such a horrific fear? if it really came to it i swear i would even drown myself but still why does it have to be made so difficult and traumatizing? and why must i fear a trauma i'd never have to experience again anyway? more than anything i need an easy way out. im tired so tired. my joy is gone. everyone i love is going to leave me for someone else. even my closest friend has an opposite sleep schedule to me and we rarely talk and they already have Their number one person. it must be nice!! so nice to have that person you feel driven to live for alone who loves you unconditionally while i have nothing to be loved for. i have no one that truly understands me nor wants to understand me, no one that wants to listen to my passions and interests and engage with them, delve into them without judgment. nor anyone who really wants to see me happy and living for good reason, for myself to thrive. im suffering in this nightmare forced to watch myself lose everyone and everything precious slowly, little by little, as the things that once brought me joy are now torturous to even think about because of my awful gatekeeping habits on the things so special to me. i've become sour and hateful. i'm a spectacle for the gods to laugh at and watch crumble and i wish to surrender

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I'm sorry for your suffering. Issues like ours makes me so baffled at how some pro lifers think that suicide is so easy to do (whilst they advocate to ban the actual easy and peaceful methods). Some of us really are just trapped in existence unfortunately. Regardless, I hope you find peace soon