Story There’s so many reasons to end it so wtf

[attheend13]

I get the impression that this is not the right way to post but I've been here for awhile and no matter how I format a post I can see it's nothing new. I can't get through the next 10 minutes so I'm going to write and if it's deleted it's ok it's toxic anyway. Toxic is kind of my brand. I'm completely worthless. I have failed myself and my kids and I'm so selfish I got into another relationship so I guess I'll ruin that now too. When I was a kid my mom used to write me these long letters in red ink while I was at school detailing what an embarrassment I am and what a burden I've been. On my 14th birthday my dad who is in record as hating me picked me up from the home I was living in with foster parents and took me on a tour of his life. He told me I was a thorn in his side, a pain in the ass and again an embarrassment. I did years in a hospital and I listened to all the BS. I guess I wanted to believe it was them and not me. But inside I knew. What's the common denominator? So it is me. So being a selfish disgusting pig, I had children. I'm failing them and if I CTB I may do to them what happened to me. Set up their lives to feel unworthy. My father and my mother say they wish I was never born. And they both have said I should ctb. So why am I here? I've tried and failed at that too. Now I live in the 30th floor, top floor of this building. Sometimes I stand at the rail and look down really force myself to picture the fall. Less than a minute and I'm a stain on the pavement. But what about my girls? Even ending this farce, this joke that is a life would be an act of selfishness. No matter what I do now because it isn't what I do or don't do. It's me. There's something fundamentally wrong with me. I'm not looking for comfort you can't possibly know what a piece of human garbage I am, but I am frozen in place. There are no more options and ctb will mean leaving as the ultimate villain. I can't do that to my daughters. I'm trying now just going to dangerous places, and praying/ putting out to the universe to spare someone else and take me. Don't make me have to do it and hurt people. The sky is silent though.