needthebus
Student
- Apr 29, 2024
- 109
Someone I know died a few months ago. The person was my only friend. I am just so incredibly lonely now. I don't know if having a therapist would ease the loneliness and pain. I probably don't have time for it anyway or money for it anyway. I work so much and am exhausted and sad when not working. I probably couldn't trust a therapist anyway because my medical privacy was invaded before and I don't feel like I could have a privacy with a therapist anyway.
Even if money and time weren't an issue, any therapist would ask how I am feeling, and the truth is there's a very good change I'm going to kill myself. Perhaps I am being stupid and pessimistic and dramatic, but I would say the odds are 90 percent or higher in the next three years, 80 percent chance in the next two years.
I can't fathom that any therapist wouldn't be under an immediate obligation to have me hospitalized. I'm someone who tried to commit suicide before, it was a serious attempt, I am very suicidal now, and realistically I am likely to commit suicide. If a therapist would probably want to do a suicide risk assessment, the results would be extraordinarily high for risk of suicide. I also do not want to be locked up in a psychiatric in-patient facility. I can't afford it, those places don't allow cell phones or computers, and I would probably lose my job and lose my housing, both of which are precarious. A therapist may not even have discretion under their professional rules to not lock me up based on how suicidal I am.
I also just absolutely don't want to go to a therapist and have to risk it, hoping I don't get involuntarily confined to some locked hell ward. I really hate lying. I can do it if I need to, but it sucks. But it wouldn't be helpful having to lie to a therapist about how I feel, and I wouldn't enjoy lying about certain things and not others, it's a really awful predicament to be in. I certainly wouldn't want to be locked up in an inpatient ward and have to lie to a doctor about not feeling suicidal to be able to get out so I can use the internet or stop being charged exorbitant costs.
I am just so fucking unhappy, every day, and enraged about being the victim of sexual violence, just horrified by everything that was stolen from me in life. I feel like I am just a victim who gets taken advantage of, that's all I am, it's all I ever will be. I am just so fucking unhappy, and I absolutely know if I request help during this process because I am lonely, it's going to result in being forced on drugs that make me shake and twitch and unable to orgasm and I'll be locked up, until I learn to lie well enough to convince them I'm happy or they feel like they have metaphorically drained me of every insurance dollar they can get out of me. It's not worth it, never again will I ask for help. I am just sad about this, I am so lonely and unhappy. No one in fact cares about me. There's people who say they care, but it's bullshit.
My mental health is terrible right now, I can't afford to stop working, and I am so sad I am using illegal drugs to deal with the psychological pain of work, which I would rather not do. The illegal drugs are making my mental health much, much worse. I could stop the illegal drugs if I could endure the pain of work, but I can't do that. I would end up homeless or begging my physically abusive family for even more financial help if I stopped working, so for now I just keep working, trying to cobble together a way to end it that isn't too painful and is done in a way that I find acceptable, that is likely to have a high amount of lethality and low level of pain.
I am so poor and so unhappy. Poverty is a big part of why I'll probably end up committing suicide. The financial stress makes everything so much worse. People say help and support is available, but it's actually a lie. There isn't free therapy where I can just be me without being locked up. The government will not pay my rent if I am hospitalized without my consent despite creating rules allowing me to be locked up. The government will not rescue me from homelessness should I be locked up for being suicidal and lose my job and housing. There are hotlines and they hang up on you if you don't say you are suicidal and there is a risk of being locked up if you do. I work so much and get so little. I am just exhausted. I'm not ready to do it yet, but I am hoping within a year, or at least a few years. I just feel so victimized by society, and the government, and people; everyone just exploits me and doesn't care at all, no one likes me, everyone is mean to me and no one cares about the worst thing done to me. People talk about mental health awareness and removing the stigma of getting help, as though financial exploitation and financial distress were just irrelevant and the government and society were benevolent and just needed to be informed you need a helping hand. I walk past people often who are homeless and I'm too poor to help and those people have terrible mental health. You know what would help those homeless people, miserable and suffering on the street in agony: awareness. Oh, if only there was a poster nearby with a suicide hotline number, that would help those homeless people.
I am just so exhausted from the hollowness of society and the fake empty gestures regarding wellness. Really, I think many in society want the suicidal to die, but it's just not socially acceptable to say it, and it occasionally bothers some people when people commit suicide, so they settle and compromise on posters and empty gestures and buying ad time about the importance of awareness and help. But it's all bullshit.
I really wish I weren't on illegal drugs. I am borrowing from my future health to endure today and causing brain damage to endure today. I know there are things like NA and AA, but they all involve higher powers and religion is discriminatory and terrible. I have had to endure people lying to me and saying AA and NA and higher powers are not about religion and gods, but it's bullshit, of course it's about religion and some made up god. Many of the other forms of non-religious support, like Smart Recovery, rely on closed-source Chinese-made software like Zoom in order to meet. I don't need or want the Chinese Communist Party to be logging that I am a drug user in some database or logging biometric information.
I hope I don't keep feeling pain like this.
Even if money and time weren't an issue, any therapist would ask how I am feeling, and the truth is there's a very good change I'm going to kill myself. Perhaps I am being stupid and pessimistic and dramatic, but I would say the odds are 90 percent or higher in the next three years, 80 percent chance in the next two years.
I can't fathom that any therapist wouldn't be under an immediate obligation to have me hospitalized. I'm someone who tried to commit suicide before, it was a serious attempt, I am very suicidal now, and realistically I am likely to commit suicide. If a therapist would probably want to do a suicide risk assessment, the results would be extraordinarily high for risk of suicide. I also do not want to be locked up in a psychiatric in-patient facility. I can't afford it, those places don't allow cell phones or computers, and I would probably lose my job and lose my housing, both of which are precarious. A therapist may not even have discretion under their professional rules to not lock me up based on how suicidal I am.
I also just absolutely don't want to go to a therapist and have to risk it, hoping I don't get involuntarily confined to some locked hell ward. I really hate lying. I can do it if I need to, but it sucks. But it wouldn't be helpful having to lie to a therapist about how I feel, and I wouldn't enjoy lying about certain things and not others, it's a really awful predicament to be in. I certainly wouldn't want to be locked up in an inpatient ward and have to lie to a doctor about not feeling suicidal to be able to get out so I can use the internet or stop being charged exorbitant costs.
I am just so fucking unhappy, every day, and enraged about being the victim of sexual violence, just horrified by everything that was stolen from me in life. I feel like I am just a victim who gets taken advantage of, that's all I am, it's all I ever will be. I am just so fucking unhappy, and I absolutely know if I request help during this process because I am lonely, it's going to result in being forced on drugs that make me shake and twitch and unable to orgasm and I'll be locked up, until I learn to lie well enough to convince them I'm happy or they feel like they have metaphorically drained me of every insurance dollar they can get out of me. It's not worth it, never again will I ask for help. I am just sad about this, I am so lonely and unhappy. No one in fact cares about me. There's people who say they care, but it's bullshit.
My mental health is terrible right now, I can't afford to stop working, and I am so sad I am using illegal drugs to deal with the psychological pain of work, which I would rather not do. The illegal drugs are making my mental health much, much worse. I could stop the illegal drugs if I could endure the pain of work, but I can't do that. I would end up homeless or begging my physically abusive family for even more financial help if I stopped working, so for now I just keep working, trying to cobble together a way to end it that isn't too painful and is done in a way that I find acceptable, that is likely to have a high amount of lethality and low level of pain.
I am so poor and so unhappy. Poverty is a big part of why I'll probably end up committing suicide. The financial stress makes everything so much worse. People say help and support is available, but it's actually a lie. There isn't free therapy where I can just be me without being locked up. The government will not pay my rent if I am hospitalized without my consent despite creating rules allowing me to be locked up. The government will not rescue me from homelessness should I be locked up for being suicidal and lose my job and housing. There are hotlines and they hang up on you if you don't say you are suicidal and there is a risk of being locked up if you do. I work so much and get so little. I am just exhausted. I'm not ready to do it yet, but I am hoping within a year, or at least a few years. I just feel so victimized by society, and the government, and people; everyone just exploits me and doesn't care at all, no one likes me, everyone is mean to me and no one cares about the worst thing done to me. People talk about mental health awareness and removing the stigma of getting help, as though financial exploitation and financial distress were just irrelevant and the government and society were benevolent and just needed to be informed you need a helping hand. I walk past people often who are homeless and I'm too poor to help and those people have terrible mental health. You know what would help those homeless people, miserable and suffering on the street in agony: awareness. Oh, if only there was a poster nearby with a suicide hotline number, that would help those homeless people.
I am just so exhausted from the hollowness of society and the fake empty gestures regarding wellness. Really, I think many in society want the suicidal to die, but it's just not socially acceptable to say it, and it occasionally bothers some people when people commit suicide, so they settle and compromise on posters and empty gestures and buying ad time about the importance of awareness and help. But it's all bullshit.
I really wish I weren't on illegal drugs. I am borrowing from my future health to endure today and causing brain damage to endure today. I know there are things like NA and AA, but they all involve higher powers and religion is discriminatory and terrible. I have had to endure people lying to me and saying AA and NA and higher powers are not about religion and gods, but it's bullshit, of course it's about religion and some made up god. Many of the other forms of non-religious support, like Smart Recovery, rely on closed-source Chinese-made software like Zoom in order to meet. I don't need or want the Chinese Communist Party to be logging that I am a drug user in some database or logging biometric information.
I hope I don't keep feeling pain like this.
Last edited:
