Venting therapy failed me

[critter]

New here. I've been in therapy since i was 14 years old, took so many different medications cocktails that not only did not work/stop working, but made me experience terrible side effects, including hallucinations, weight gain, and many more, some permanent. I used to have a super fast metabolism which allowed me to eat whatever i wanted in whatever quantity and not gain anything, antidepressants had took that from me along with the carelessness of enjoying a meal without worrying about the consequences. Now i hate my body even more and have developed an ED because I started starving myself in order to go back to what I looked like. Looking at old pictures of myself makes me incredibly miserable and sad. On top of that i have body dysphoria so i literally live in a body that does not belong to me and it doesn't feel right. I see it as a flesh vessel that has brought me nothing but pain, tremors, psychosomatic chronic illnesses, a very limit to my own existence, it's weighing me and slowing me down and i want to leave it behind. I changed many many therapists and I'm actively wasting an obscene amount of money on a therapist that cannot handle me. I can see sometimes she just doesn't know what to say or do and regurgitates the same shitty basic advice in an attempt to look professional. My last therapist directly failed me sending me into my first suicide attempt. It's been a year and it seems i still havent fully recovered from that. The memories and discomfort of the attempt and hospitalization still fully trigger me and now i have to live with that also. The few moments i think of as peaceful are the ones where im heavily sedated, bedridden, unresponsive, and with no one to speak to. I can't stand my parents, who are fully responsible for the way I turned out, I'm mad at the system, because it walked all over me and made me mean and sad, I'm furious at people, who just can't seem to really breach through even when they try their hardest, but especially because they just leave and leave and only tolerate me when I'm masking.
I turned to alcohol to cope and now i have an addiction that is actively destroying my body and frying my brain. All of my math or logical skills are gone. I can't read more than five book pages. My brain literally does not retain information. And when i stop taking medications i go into withdrawal so hard i feel like im gonna die. Life has been especially going downwards very fast in the last three years and i don't know if i wanna pull the brakes. I'm just still too scared of the crash. I'm here because i need to know i'm not alone and i don't want to hear a single minute more of the "shifting focus to positivity or solutions" talk. I'm drained. I tried basically everything to get better and there's so much a person can stand before collapsing. I need real people that aren't afraid to say that yeah, things are bad, and sometimes there's no other way out and that's okay, I don't want to feel alone. I don't want to go alone. I don't want to die surrounded by people who could just not understand and never will. I'm so scared of that. It's so scary to think about.
I wish i wasnt this angry and jealous and bitter i really wish i wasnt. I'm so sorry for my parents because all they wanted in life was probably a loving, successful or just normal child. a child that is easily lovable. instead of this fuckup that i am. i feel like if i CTB i would traumatize them forever, like a final "fuck you" . But besides them im thinking of anyone in my life that i "know" and try to picture them crying to the news i left this world and ... it crushed me to realize that probably no one would. yeah maybe some would be in shock but like, full-on sobbing and crying? let alone GRIEVING? no. absolutely no fucking one. like im squeezing my brains very hard to find just one person that would actually miss me. i'm crushed.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so horrible and tiring what you've had to endure, it's certainly such a cruel world we exist in where people suffer all through no fault of their own, I cannot stand that forced positivity as to me it comes across as being empty, invalidating words.

 

[Tobacco]

It seems like therapy can only help with simple problems and that medications bring more risk than positive outcomes. I've tried antidepressants and the first one didn't worked at all and maybe made me feel worse (sertraline). Then years later they tried with citalopram and it surpisingly made me feel inmediately less anxious and more optimistic, but that only lasted two weeks only to be followed by one of the deepest depressions.

I need real people that aren't afraid to say that yeah, things are bad, and sometimes there's no other way out and that's okay, I don't want to feel alone.

That's one of the reasons I'm here. I've felt some permanent losses in aspects of my life (like not living my youth fully) and no one around me seems to have the understanding to just help me live with the loss.

 

[helicoptero]

I'm really sorry you had such bad experiences. I feel identified with many things you said... Such as trying lots of different treatments and none of them working properly. I feel so tired of everything that I doubt it's worth it for me to keep trying to get better, because I've tried everything and nothing helped.
So I think I understand you. And I feel so sorry someone else is feeling as bad as I do, I think no one deserves to feel like this.
I send you a big warm hug.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

It's awful what you have to go through. Unfortunately therapy isn't a straightforward thing in this complex field of mental stuff and often it's not successful because the reason and the source that lead to the mental problems are not known and therefore can't be eliminated. This is truely tiring and exhausting. I hope you can find peace.