Venting the world would be a better place without me in it

[encore]

my mom was naive and stupid enough to reproduce with someone who has the worst genes imaginable when it comes to being violent and out of control. he had the kind of explosive, destructive rage that is impossible to ignore or stop until it finally calms down. and of course i have the tendency to be the same way, as his daughter, which is the main reason i want to ctb.

i will never reproduce because i don't want these disgusting genes polluting this world. i don't want my child to go through the hellish experience of both feeling this much rage and having to deal with hurting people they love, feeling like a monster that will never fit in. even if i know their soul will be kind and sensitive on the inside, the pain of shame and suffering from the intensity of their own emotions is as close to hell as it gets.

i am denying myself love and genuine connection because i know who i become when someone gets too close. i know how much pain and suffering i can inflict on them out of fear, even if they were completely honest and genuine with me. my brain is simply not meant for love, and that's okay. there is nothing i crave more than to be loved and love someone in return, but i also realize that i would much rather sacrifice this desire than damage someone i love, again.

i know many people will cheer and be happy once im finally gone, because that means im not going to harm anyone else. and if thats what it takes to make someone happy instead of sad or hurt, ill take it. i want to be free. i want to be free of people's constant judgement, of feeling like im fundamentally broken and irreparable, free of the prison inside of my head.

(please don't advice me to seek therapy or get on medication, there are millions of reasons that i don't have time to delve into why this isn't and will likely never be an option for me).

 

[hellworldprincess]

I'm not trying to invalidate your experience, but I'm pretty sure that violently aggressive behavior is basically not a genetic trait.

It's hereditary because children of violent parents learn to mirror their parents' behavior.

I'm really sorry your father is such a horrible person and I wish you could heal from your experience, but I don't think that genes play any role in this.

Of course I'm still against you or anyone ever reproducing.

 

[lawr]

I know the kind of anger you're describing, my father was the same way, I just didn't inherit the inability to control it as much, but there have been a handful of occasions, such as when him and I got into a fistfight, or during some arguments with my ex. All this is to say, I just felt like mentioning how your post read in my head. I could really feel the anger radiating from it. It reminded me of the way my mind starts to process things when I'm angry. Rage is a unique emotion too in its capacity to induce fear. There was one time I came to realize that someone I was in love with was afraid of my rage. I felt so guilty about it. She was the same way as me, if not worse, and I was afraid of hers too. People being afraid of you feels shitty man.

Also, I find myself heavily relating to A LOT of your posts. They've been helpful to me because you do a better job of describing some of the things I feel. So thanks for that.

 

[Michelstaedter]

The world is not better or worse without someone, objectively speaking. If we seek to find an objective judgment of whether the world would be a better or worse place, it would be better without those who harm others, harm animals, harm the ecosystem, harm criminals, and other "social cancers."

The world could be a better place for you and me, and many others, if society taught us empathy, if our flaws were just "like a small stain" on a completely white shirt, and if instead of being judged, we were accepted as part of the community.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

Many, so many people feel the same. I'm not saying this as a lame "you're not alone" thing to "encourage" you. Your statement is quite rational.

 

[glitterycheese]

Absolutely, I know it would be the same for everyone in my life. My family would be so happy that I finally did something worth of value and probably sigh a breath of relief knowing they don't have to deal with me any longer.

My friend would probably have an easier time getting back to his regular life. Not having to worry or stress about me any longer.